Burn for Me
by Kath7
Summary: Set five years after early "Destiny". Liz disappears after she and Max jump off that bridge. ML; ZL and CC - Now COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

Title: Burn For Me  
  
Author: Kath7  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own either the characters, or the concept of Roswell. I'm just borrowing them with thanks.  
  
Summary: This story is taken from a challenge by Lullaby. It is set about five years post-Destiny. Liz disappeared following her and Max's leap of faith off that bridge. This is a dreamer story, but will not start that way. Why, will be obvious pretty quickly. It will not last long.  
  
Soundtrack: Candleburn by Dishwalla; Everything You Want by Vertical Horizon; Here Without You by 3 Doors Down; I'll Be by Edwin McCain  
  
Author's Note: Please don't think that I won't be finishing Born of the Stars and I Am Not Felicity. I fully intend to do so.  
  
Part 1  
  
She screams as the windshield explodes behind them. She struggles to maintain control of the small car, and finally manages to pull it to a stop on the gravel beside the highway.  
  
They are in the trees moments later. She can hear him panting behind her, his physical pain bringing tears to her eyes. She tugs on his hand, willing him to move more quickly. What did they do to you? she wails silently to herself, refusing to let him know just how panicked she is becoming. Realizing that she is the only person standing between him and them brings new determination to her step. They are not going to get their hands on him again. Not while she has breath left in her body.  
  
They are suddenly out of the trees and on a bridge. She can hear the feet of the agents behind them, pounding closer. He is slowing down, just when he should be moving more quickly. She feels the desperation of knowing that they are about to be caught.  
  
They both halt abruptly when a Hummer screeches to a stop in front of them. She looks around frantically; her heart is pounding so quickly, she feels like she is about to pass out.  
  
It is then that she makes the decision. She was not kidding about them not taking him again. It will happen over her dead body. She knows that he will agree. She can feel his trust, knows that he is absolutely depending on her to get him out of this. He will do whatever she makes him do. She knows that he would rather die than return to the torture from which he was so recently liberated.  
  
She grabs him by the hand, pulling him after her toward the edge. "Come on! Come on, Max!"  
  
They are standing on the railing. She feels dizzy as she looks down. The water is far below, churning dangerously - it is so dark, so unknown.  
  
Not darker than the souls of the men behind them. No more unknown than the possibility of a world without him.  
  
They will not touch him again.  
  
She looks up at him desperately, drinking in his beautiful face. If this is it, she wants her last memory to be of his eyes and how they stare down at her so lovingly, even now, when they are about to take such a ridiculous leap.  
  
She reaches up, brings his mouth down to hers for one last kiss. She pulls back, meets his eyes again for a split second. Then, after taking a deep breath, she turns and jumps.  
  
They are holding hands as they go over, but, somewhere between the bridge and the water, she loses him. He is torn away from her. She reaches for him, frantically, the instant her head comes above the water, but she cannot find him. She cannot control herself. She is whirling away from the bridge now, caught in the current.  
  
She cannot fight any longer. He is gone. She has lost him.  
  
Max!  
  
It is her last thought before she strikes the rocks - hard. The water closes over her head.  
  
***  
  
Beth Perkins sits up, gasping for breath, the water still so real, she almost feels wet as she forces her way out of the nightmare.  
  
It takes several seconds for her to realize that she is wet. She is drenched in perspiration, her heart still pounding crazily. She forces herself to take deep breaths in an attempt to calm down.  
  
She hears her boyfriend stirring behind her. "Babe, are you okay?" Turning her head, she sees that he is propping himself up on his arm, reaching for her. "Did you have another dream?"  
  
She nods mutely, unable to answer. Already it is fading, but she knows that, as always, he was in it. That he was in mortal jeopardy and she could do nothing to save him.  
  
"Come here," he insists, taking her by the hand and pulling her gently down into his embrace. She breathes him in, wonders why, as is always the case after the nightmares, it seems wrong. He is wrong.  
  
"I'm okay," he whispers against her ear. "Everything's okay."  
  
For one horrifying moment, the usual thought - the one that always comes after the nightmares - crosses her mind. Who is this?  
  
She barely contains the urge to flinch away from him. But she cannot have him touching her. Not right now. "Can you get me some water?" she manages to ask, looking for any excuse to get him away from her.  
  
"Of course." He kisses her lightly on the temple, slides out of their bed. "I'll be right back."  
  
She is up and sitting in the rocker near the window when he returns. He won't be able to put his arms around her now. She can't see his expression as he approaches her, because he forgot to turn the bathroom light off and now it shines behind him, shadowing his face. He does pause briefly when he realizes that she has moved.  
  
He doesn't say a word though. He never does. He is all that is understanding and good.  
  
She takes the water, drains the glass in three gulps.  
  
"Are you okay?" he asks tentatively after settling back on the edge of the bed. She can now see his eyes, can see how worried he is, even though it is only the moonlight lighting his face.  
  
"I'm fine," she says quickly.  
  
"It's been a while," he says. "What brought it back, do you think?"  
  
"I don't know." She shrugs, turns her face away so that she won't have to meet his eyes.  
  
"Beth..." She can hear the concern. It angers her.  
  
"Don't even say it," she snaps. She already knows what he's going to suggest. He does it every time this happens. "I'm not letting her wander around in my head, so just forget it."  
  
"But, babe, she wants to help you."  
  
She softens, sighs. "I know. But I need to deal with this on my own." She clenches her hands together in her lap. "I'm going to beat this myself."  
  
There is a long moment of silence. He sounds angry when he finally says, "Why won't you let me in?"  
  
Her heart breaks. How can she ever explain it to him in a way that he'll understand? How will he deal with the fact that she knows, inherently, that knowing her is going to kill him? That there will come a day when loving her will be the end of him? That she knows this because she lives it in her dreams almost every night.  
  
"I'm sorry," she sighs.  
  
"I know," he mutters, sounding sorry that he let his resentment show, if even for an instant.  
  
"Go back to bed," she instructs him. "I just want to sit here for a while."  
  
"Are you sure you're okay?"  
  
"Yes." She watches him lay back rigidly, his frustration obvious. She needs to reassure him, doesn't want him to feel as confused and scared as she does. "I love you."  
  
He doesn't reply.  
  
"Zan?"  
  
"I know," he repeats.  
  
For the first time ever, she doesn't think he believes her. 


	2. Chapter 2

Part 2  
  
"Max."  
  
His voice is hushed, shocked, as though he is listening to a ghost over the line. Which he very nearly is. Max Evans has called him because there is no one else. To call the others would be the same as condemning them to death. He has suffered too much over the past years to allow that to happen now.  
  
And, yet, he is free and he has to know. He must know that they are safe, that they are happy. That his captors kept their end of the bargain. He thinks they did. They never believed others existed anyway, never really threatened the others beyond their desire to control him. Once he knows, he will disappear forever; he will leave them all in peace.  
  
But he cannot move on until he knows.  
  
"It's me," he confirms again curtly. "Sheriff, I wouldn't be calling..."  
  
"Tell me where you are," the sheriff orders, no hesitation, no games, as was always Valenti's way. Max still remembers the terror of the days when Valenti was his enemy, when he was always just two steps behind him. It is why Max trusts him now. When the sheriff changed his mind about him, Max knew it was for good, that he could never have a better ally. He never got a chance to thank the sheriff for trying to save him. He had risked his life and his career by doing so. Max hadn't even been sure that, when he called the sheriff's station in Roswell, Valenti would be there.  
  
But he was still sheriff. They had not lied about that. They had told him that if he cooperated, if he gave them no more trouble, they would let the sheriff keep his job. They wouldn't pursue him for the raid on Eagle Rock. They didn't care about Valenti anyway. They did not understand the sheriff's obsession, his absolute determination to know the truth. He had looked for Max for years. Max knew it because they had told him, taunted him with it. But they still left Valenti alone, always staying one step ahead of him. Max understood very quickly that it was almost a game for Pierce, an amusing little past-time, when he wasn't engaging in his favorite hobby. When he wasn't torturing Max.  
  
In the end, Valenti had failed anyway. Max was never found again, partly by his own choice. He shut his mind to Isabel's probes, determined to protect them all, obsessed with making sure that they never risked themselves again to save him.  
  
The first attempt had killed Liz, after all. The one who mattered most to him was already lost. He would not allow any of the rest of them to suffer the same fate. Not for him.  
  
This did not mean that he did not want to escape them. But he knew that the only way he would ever be free was if he saved himself. And the only way to do that was to convince them that he would never try. It had taken five years, but, in the end, it was what he had done. Gradually...very gradually...they became sure of him, thought that he was beyond the point where any sort of escape was likely. They lessened the guard, they became careless.  
  
Now he was free, was ready to confirm that those he cared about were safe, and he could then live out his miserable life with at least that one peaceful thought.  
  
"I won't tell you, sheriff," Max says now. "I just need you to tell me how they are."  
  
"How are you?" the sheriff demands. "Max, let me come and bring you home. Please, son."  
  
"No. Please, sheriff. Just tell me. And then forget I ever called." He should have hung up the instant the sheriff asked where he was. The sheriff is at work. He can trace this call if he wants to. He knows this, but he cannot hang up. Not yet. He is now pleading, hates the sound of it, has not begged in five years - not since he tried to save Liz's life - but he will do it now. He needs to know. If the sheriff bothers to trace the call, by the time he reaches where Max is, he will be long gone anyway.  
  
He needs to know. He cannot survive a life alone unless they are well. He has never grown used to being lonely again. It should have been easy. His entire life he had been alone. But, after Liz, there was no going back. After trusting five people, he could not remember what it had been like before. He must worry about them and, so, he must know.  
  
"They're all fine," the sheriff finally says gruffly. "Actually, they're all up in New York right now. Maria's doing a show up there."  
  
"A show?" Max knows nothing and learning even the slightest little bit is like a man in the desert finding water. He drinks it in, sighs slightly with relief.  
  
"You do know she's a singer?" the sheriff asks. "She's actually made a pretty nice little career for herself. Alex is going to school up there, so the whole gang headed up to have a little reunion at the concert. Kyle just called me a little while ago, actually. They're having a blast."  
  
"Kyle's there?" Max asks, surprised. This is unexpected.  
  
"After your protector..." The sheriff pauses, as though uncertain how much of what happened to Nasedo Max wants to remember. Finally he continues, seeming to realize that Max wants the truth, no matter how strange or painful. "After he died, Tess had nowhere to go. I took her in. She's like a sister to Kyle now. We had to tell him the truth, Max. He needed to know, for his own protection."  
  
There is a long pause as Max absorbs this. The sheriff seems to understand that he needs a moment, or so Max thinks. But Valenti's next words prove him wrong. The sheriff has been building up to what he must believe is the worst news of all.  
  
"Max, three years ago I told your sister that I found hard evidence that you were dead." The sheriff says it quickly, out of nowhere, like it is the worst thing he has ever done.  
  
"I'm glad." Max says it firmly, because he is. He knows they stopped looking for him a long time ago. Isabel stopped coming in his dreams and he understands that she believes he is gone. It was the only explanation for her sudden absence. It was the conclusion he had made her come to, on purpose, by shutting her out. He has gained so much control over his own mind - had to simply to survive - and, so, finally, his sister could no longer fight her way in. He could not allow it. Isabel could not be allowed to know what had been happening to him. She could not suffer that. It reassures him that Isabel has not ever become strong enough to find him again. It means that she has never had to, that she is safe. At least that is what he has told himself over the past five years.  
  
Yes, he is glad that the sheriff lied. It was right. They are better off without him.  
  
"Max?" The sheriff's voice is not as he remembers it. It is tentative now, slightly fearful. Max cannot blame him. He is afraid that it is all going to start again. That Max's return will put Kyle and the others he works so hard to protect back into danger. Max is surprised that, again, he is wrong. "Tell me where you are. Come home, Max. They need you."  
  
"No."  
  
"Max." The sheriff is beginning to sound angry. "They are happy enough, but they have not gotten over it. They never will. Having you back will at least take away some of the pain."  
  
"And put them in danger," Max snaps. He frowns, pauses briefly to let the words sink in, to remind the sheriff of how it used to be. Finally, he asks, because he wants to know exactly what they have suffered, "My parents...What...what do they think..." He trails off, his heart thundering. Because continuing will tell him exactly what [I]did[/I] happen. He will finally learn the truth about Liz's end. They told him what they did to her, but he wants the sheriff to reveal it for the lie he still feels it is, the lie that he saw in Pierce's eyes.  
  
By the end, he knew Pierce's eyes, and how to read them, far better than anyone else's. It was what he had been forced to do, to survive. It was just one more reason that Max hated Pierce. He had not only stolen Liz Parker's young life; he had also stolen her rightful place as the person Max could read most easily.  
  
"Your parents and the Parkers think you both died in a car crash," the sheriff explains quietly. "The Jetta was found in the river two days after you disappeared. There were no bodies. The investigation concluded that you were washed away in the deluge. The river was rough that night."  
  
Max closes his eyes, leans his forehead against the pay-phone. He forces away his memories of the river. He makes himself forget how Liz was swept away from him the instant they plunged into the water. What happened in the river led to her death. He tortures himself with it regularly - with the thought of how she died for him. How he lived and she died and how he will never forgive himself. But, now is not the time. He will have plenty of time later. He will have all the lonely time in the world.  
  
"What about the windshield?" Max asks, remembering the bullets that had blown it apart, a shudder running through him. The memories will not go away. "Wasn't that suspicious?"  
  
"No one ever knew about that," the sheriff replies bitterly. "The cover-up was complete. They never let your parents anywhere near that car. I eventually found it, of course. I looked for you both for a long time, Max."  
  
"I know, sheriff," Max says, understanding that it is he who must comfort the older man. "Thank you for that."  
  
"I'm sorry I never found you." Valenti is almost crying, and is trying to hide it, but Max can tell. He understands that the sheriff has tortured himself with their disappearance for years. It was, of course, not his fault though. It was all Max's fault. It always had been. Who he was put them all in danger.  
  
"You tried," Max tells him. "It's enough."  
  
"Max, come home."  
  
"I can't."  
  
There is another long pause. Max is tempted to hang up. Because there is really nothing else to say. Yet, somehow, he knows that the sheriff is not finished. That Valenti needs closure.  
  
"Max, if you don't come home, then they win." It is Valenti's last-ditch effort. It is a good effort, too. It is an argument that Max has used on himself on occasion, when the side of him that is selfish almost wins out over the side that isn't.  
  
"Sheriff, they've already won," Max says, inexpressibly weary. "Liz is dead. There's nothing left to fight for."  
  
With that, he gently replaces the receiver on the pay-phone. 


	3. Chapter 3

Part 3  
  
She wakes to light streaming into her face. Her head is killing her. Putting a hand to her forehead, it comes back covered in blood. She stares at it, uncomprehending.  
  
How did she get here?  
  
She starts to shiver, in spite of the heat of the mid-day sun. It is only then that she realizes that she is lying in a pool of water. Sitting up, she groans, her head aching even more intensely than moments before.  
  
She manages to look around, stares at the trees around her, frowns slightly. Where is she? She can hear running water nearby, staggers to her feet and finds herself on a river bank. No memory stirs. She does not remember the river, nor why she is next to it.  
  
She searches her mind for an explanation. It is only then that she realizes there is nothing there. All she knows are the following things: she is wet, her stomach is growling, she can smell something burning and she can hear a bird chirping in a tree nearby. She knows for certain it is a sparrow. She remembers going on a bird-watching expedition when she was in sixth grade, that her teacher loved identifying the different calls.  
  
How can she remember this when she cannot remember her own name?  
  
***  
  
Beth sighs heavily as she places the key in the lock to the apartment she shares with Zan. She knows that he is working tonight, and that she will have the place to herself for a while. She is glad. As much as she loves him, she is tired, and needs some time alone. She has deliberately waited to come home so that he will be gone. She cannot bear the concern he seems to wear permanently these days.  
  
She is worried enough herself. She doesn't need the pressure of constantly reassuring him right now. Before pushing the door open, she allows herself to lean her forehead very briefly against the door frame, feels the wood scratch her skin, knows that it is real.  
  
In the beginning, her five senses saved her. She still knew something. She remembered what pizza smelt like, was sure that she liked listening to music, was certain that the taste of Tabasco made her gag, remembered that being able to see the stars in the sky was magical, knew what it was like when someone's fingers lovingly brushed the palm of your hand.  
  
Even now, when she is upset, she returns to her five senses for security. She reaches out to the world around her and concentrates on what is, and not on what was.  
  
Why? Why now? Why have the dreams started again?  
  
She used to have them all the time. When she found Zan - when she fell in love with him - they gradually disappeared, as she began to feel safe and that there was a place for her in the world after all.  
  
He was the first person she remembered. Although, it wasn't a memory at all, was it? Because they had never met. Not before. She dreamed him into existence. Or so he tells her.  
  
And, yet, she thinks that this may not be true. That her dreams are not memories at all, but premonitions of a tragedy still to come.  
  
She needs to know. She needs to know what came before.  
  
Before. Before and After. After.  
  
There is no "in between."  
  
Only before the accident. And after. Only before Zan and after.  
  
She lives in 'after.' She wants to stop yearning for 'before.'  
  
If she cannot remember 'before' alone, then she will accept help. There is no choice now.  
  
Tonight. Tonight she will finally eradicate 'before.' She is determined. This has to end. She can no longer allow the uncertainty; can no longer hurt Zan.  
  
She needs to know.  
  
She needs to know why, if she has found him, does she still dream of finding him?  
  
She will sleep now. She will sleep and Lonnie will come and she will know.  
  
And when Zan returns, it will be over. Lonnie will help and, finally, she will be able to live in 'after.'  
  
***  
  
It is not to be.  
  
When she enters the apartment, she cannot call Lonnie because Zan is home. He has not gone to work. Beth stares at him, uncertain. Why has he chosen tonight of all nights to call in sick? Does he not know that she needs to do this alone?  
  
Of course, he knows nothing. How can he know? She has not told him. She has planned to call Lonnie on her own, not wanting to get his hopes up.  
  
But not tonight. It is too late. Because he has a surprise. They are going out.  
  
She cannot help it. She is happy. She is relieved. She does not yet have to give up on 'before.'  
  
"Where are we going?" she asks, teasing him, trying to get him to give in. But he will not.  
  
"It's a surprise," he whispers into her hair. "Go get dressed."  
  
"Casual or dressy?" she demands, kissing him lightly.  
  
"Casual/dressy," Zan replies, grinning. Beth smiles back. They share the private joke.  
  
At one time, Zan and dressy would not have mixed. Zan and casual/dressy would not have mixed. In fact, he is still mostly 'casual.' He is no longer 'punk,' like he once was, but he always needs a shave, and sometimes Beth wishes he would cut his hair a little shorter. But, he is Zan, and he now knows what casual/dressy is. She has taught him this because he wanted to learn it for her. How she knew enough to teach him, she is unsure, but it is one of the things she does know. Since the moment they met, Beth knew who Zan could be.  
  
And, yet, she knows that, though he likes who he is now, he will never change entirely. He will always be a little rough around the edges. She deals with it, although there is something that feels wrong about it. Just like last night, when she could not allow him to comfort her after her nightmare, there is always something a little [I]off[/I] about Zan.  
  
Beth stares into the mirror over her dresser, frowns a little.  
  
She is a bad person for even thinking such a thing. He loves her. She knows that she loves him. He is literally the man of her dreams. It is why she has finally decided to go to Lonnie for help. She can not stand living with this wrongness any longer. She knows that when 'before' is gone, it will all feel right.  
  
They are on the back of his motorcycle, and well on their way, before she begins to suspect where they are going. She realizes that she never had a chance to be alone tonight, that he has planned this for weeks. Because the concert has been sold out for that long, since the day the tickets went on sale.  
  
He is taking her to see her favorite singer. The one whose voice speaks to her soul in a way she has never experienced before. The new star whose latest hit is at the top of the charts, but who, for Beth, sings to her alone.  
  
It is like him to have done this. He has dedicated his entire life to making her dreams come true, since the day he saved her two years ago. Ava once told her that he was always waiting for her, that they all knew it, and it was a relief when he finally found her. That they knew she was the one from the very beginning, because Zan changed entirely, as soon as he met her.  
  
Before Beth, he was sullen, moody, restless, but mostly he was afraid. Always afraid. Afraid that she did not exist. Now he is content, at peace. They are all happier since she came, because she has helped Zan become the man he was meant to be.  
  
Or so Ava says. Beth sometimes wonders if Ava really believes it. She sees the way Ava looks at him, the love that shines from her blue eyes for the man she calls 'brother.' It is not sisterly, this love, is not like what exists between Lonnie and Zan.  
  
But tonight is not about Ava and, so, she pushes her friend from her mind. Tonight is about Zan and what he has done for her. Not just the concert, but everything. He has given her a home; he has given her love. The least she can do is let him know how much it all means to her. She lays her head against his back, wraps her arms more tightly around his waist.  
  
Zan manages to squeeze his bike into a parking spot near the entrance to the Garden. Excitement is in the air. Beth can feel the electricity of it come over her. It is as if the entire world is waiting. She laughs slightly to herself that she should feel so energized by a concert. Maybe it is because this feels new. She expects that she has been to concerts before, but she does not remember. In 'after,' this is her first time.  
  
Zan is eager too. She can feel him trembling slightly when he takes her hand, starting to pull her through the crowd, toward the gate. Beth feels a flash of affection for him. He does not like the same kind of music as her. He is excited because she is. It is why he bought the tickets, even though they really can't afford them. He knew how much this would mean to her. How much it does mean to her.  
  
Their seats are good ones. They are near the front, but up off the floor. He knows her well, knows that she would not like to be among the crowded masses below. It was why he had taken her hand outside, too. She does not do well in large groups of people. She has never shared her fear that she will be confronted by her past - that in a large crowd, someone who knows her may jump out at her, bringing reality back to her life before she is ready. But he has always understood her.  
  
He, of course, does not know that she is finally ready. That, at last, she wants to deal with 'before,' so that they can move on in 'after' without the haunting fear that this cannot last.  
  
Zan's arm is around her, as the lights go out in the arena. Beth nestles more closely into the security of his embrace, closes her eyes briefly, waiting for her idol to emerge, to take her away with the purity of her voice, with the deep feeling and mystification of her lyrics. Beth does not know why they speak to her so, but they do, as though they were written for her.  
  
She is ready for one last night in the unknown. Tomorrow 'before' will no longer be a mystery. For now, she is happy to have Maria Deluca provide the enigmatic soundtrack to her life.  
  
Tomorrow it will all change. There will be no more need for the songs that have sustained her. She will, finally, know.  
  
Later, looking back, Beth knows that it was Zan who noticed them first. She doesn't realize it at the time, but it is the reason that he tenses under her. Her eyes snap open and she looks at him curiously, but her attention is attracted back to the show. A lone searchlight is sweeping the stage, then jumps back into the crowd. It is being followed by a camera, the faces of the spectators, under the light's glare, projecting across a giant screen at the back of the stage.  
  
Then it happens. The spotlight is panning across the section in which they are seated. For one, brief, moment it stops directly on them. Beth closes her eyes against the glare, but she cannot help but smile. It is as if she has been sitting in the dark forever, and the spotlight is like being pulled out into the sun.  
  
As the light moves away, Beth realizes that she is, indeed, literally being pulled to her feet. Zan has her firmly by the upper arm. He is, in fact, hurting her, as he drags her past the others in their row, and onto the stairs leading to the exit.  
  
"Zan!" She does not understand. What has happened? The concert is only beginning. They are going to miss Maria's entrance. In fact, she can hear the crowd cheer, as the singer they love takes to the stage, breaking immediately into her most recent hit.  
  
As always, Beth is transported by the haunting lyrics. She fights against Zan, turns on the stairs, and takes in the superstar, Maria Deluca, who is even more ethereal and beautiful in real life than she appears on the cover of her C.D., than she seems in her videos. The singer is standing alone in the middle of the giant stage, the single spotlight now trained on her alone.  
  
Gone, but not forgotten, You left us alone. You were the best of us, always. Your loss still hurts to the bone.  
  
We know you're gone forever, But we'll see you again someday. Even though it cannot happen in this world, We still wish it could and pray.  
  
Beth feels her heart crack down the middle, as it does whenever she listens to "Gone". She is frozen on the steps. Zan is still tugging on her arm, but she wrenches away from him, taking two steps back toward their seats, her entire attention focused on the singer.  
  
The song is so much more raw sung live. It is, in fact, a living thing, tearing into Beth, making her weak in the knees, so that she simply seats herself on the stairs.  
  
She knows the story behind the song, of course. Everyone does. She has seen Maria interviewed enough times about the lyrics, knows that it is dedicated to two friends who died in a car crash in high school. One of the victims was Maria's best friend, the other, the best friend's boyfriend. The loss the singer reveals in the song pierced Beth's soul from the moment she first heard it. She has known loss too, if in a different way. She has lost everything that existed before the accident, just as Maria lost her friends. The singer expresses Beth's own innermost despair, in a way Beth has never been quite able to understand.  
  
The song is about hope, too, though. It is about going on. It was the deaths of her friends that prompted Maria to pursue her singing career, knowing that life was short. That it had to be lived. It was this song, even before it became a hit single, which prompted Beth to take a chance with Zan. After everything that has happened to her, after being alone for so long, she was able to trust again.  
  
She feels her heart enter her throat as the song continues.  
  
We have survived without you, In spite of all our pain. We would give it all up to see you, For even one instant in the rain.  
  
You would not have wanted tears. You would not have wanted grief. You would be happy that we are living, Because your lives were all too brief.  
  
"Babe, please. We need to go."  
  
She feels Zan's gentle hands under her elbows, helping her to her feet. She allows him to lead her out into the concourse, too weakened by the power of the song to resist him any longer.  
  
Later she knows that she was mesmerized for a reason. It was fate stepping in, fate giving them a chance to make their way through the crowd, fate bringing her back to them.  
  
She does not know this now. All she knows is that she and Zan are abruptly confronted by a small group of people, all of them staring.  
  
Taking them in, Beth realizes there are three who should not be staring as though they have never seen them before. After all, she just spoke to Ava on the phone several hours before. She, and Lonnie, and Rath, knew that they were coming to the concert.  
  
Why are Rath and Lonnie at a Maria Deluca concert, anyway? They hate the singer, tease Beth mercilessly about her, until Zan steps in and makes them stop.  
  
But it is not Rath, nor Lonnie, nor Ava who speaks. Instead it is a tall, dark-haired young man. He steps forward, looking as though he has seen a ghost. It is only later that she understands that he has.  
  
He reaches out a shaky hand, touching her face gently. She knows that she should take a step back, that he is being far too familiar, but she does not. She feels at peace, does not feel threatened. Suddenly, she understands why. Because he speaks, his voice cracking slightly. He calls her by a name that tells her all she needs to know.  
  
This young man knows who she really is.  
  
And, finally, so does she.  
  
"Liz." 


	4. Chapter 4

Part 4  
  
Eventually she starts to walk. She still has no idea who she is, or what has happened to her. She is cold, even though the sun is still high in the sky when she comes out of the woods. She finds her way to the highway. She knows that she needs to follow it to the next town, that she should go to a police station, and that they will help her. It is basic common sense. Her lack of memory has not affected this facet of her character. She feels that she has always known exactly what to do in a bad situation, and this is what she should be doing. There must be people looking for her. Going to the police is the only way to find out what happened to her. And, first, she must hail down a car to take her there.  
  
That she knows this is the best solution is why she finds it very odd that she keeps hiding every time she hears the approach of a vehicle. She cannot stop herself though. Some instinct of self-preservation is prompting her action, so she keeps doing it.  
  
Finally, as the traffic picks up, when the sun goes down, she remains in the ditch beside the road, wading through the ankle deep water there. Why is her heart pounding like this? What is she afraid of? She knows that she is scared of her lack of memory, but also knows that it is not her true fear. There is something dark lurking in the back of her mind, some threat that she knows she must avoid at all costs.  
  
She has, by now, guessed that she did not end up beside the river by accident. Someone was responsible for what happened to her. This is confirmed when, after a few hours, she comes to a bridge. There is activity and she ducks into the foliage at the side of the road, watching and listening.  
  
There are men pushing a red car off the span across the river. She watches, somehow knows that this is where she started from. The dark vehicle belonging to the men is parked near the entrance to the bridge, where she is hidden, so, when they return to it, she hears the tail-end of their conversation.  
  
"...why now?" one of the men asks the other.  
  
"Pierce says the car doesn't matter anymore," the other man replies. "He only wanted us on it in case they doubled back for it. He has what he wants."  
  
"How is he planning to explain this?" the first man asks. "I mean, the girl..."  
  
The second man cuts him off, sounding impatient. "Since when does Pierce explain anything? He tells the police what to do, not the other way around."  
  
Moments later, they drive off, leaving her knowing that she must put as much distance between herself and this Pierce as she can. His name is familiar. She does not remember anything, but somehow she knows that he is not someone she ever wants to meet face to face. She cannot go to the authorities. He will find her if she does.  
  
Since she cannot remember who to trust, she will trust no one. She will get as far away from here as possible. She knows that the most important thing, at this point, is to survive. She will follow her instincts. With no memory, it is her only choice.  
  
***  
  
It is half an hour later. Beth now knows that the short blonde is not Ava. The shaggy-haired young man is not Rath. And the tall, golden-haired girl is not Lonnie. She is identical to Zan's sister and, yet, it means nothing. Her name is Isabel, and she is now crying in the brown-haired young man's arms. Beth feels bad for her. She can understand how painful it is for Isabel to have thought that her brother was back from the dead and, then, to find out so quickly - so cruelly - that it is not true.  
  
It did not take them long to accept that Zan is not Isabel's brother. In fact, they do not seem at all surprised to have come face to face with him. They are not shocked that their exact doubles exist and have been living in New York for many years. But, then, three of them are also aliens. The others seem to know it, too. Very little is shocking to any of them, Beth is certain.  
  
The room is tense. Strangely, Beth is sitting on a couch in Maria Deluca's dressing room, beside Zan, who is entirely too calm. She is suspicious of this. For someone who was so desperate to get her out of the arena earlier, he has apparently now changed his mind. He seems resigned, as though none of this is a surprise to him either.  
  
After the initial interrogation at the hands of the brown-haired young man called Alex, after they all understand that she has no memory of them, they are waiting in silence for the singer to finish her concert. The Rath double - his name is Michael - has gone to wait for Maria, to explain what has happened.  
  
They have told Beth little about who they think she is; nothing beyond her name, which is Liz Parker.  
  
Liz. Elizabeth. It is a familiar name, a comfortable name. It is the name she chose for herself, in this new life. It is obviously more than just coincidence. Apparently she has always known who she is, deep down. The truth has been hidden inside her stubborn mind, could have been unlocked long since had she allowed Lonnie to do it. She wants to know why she didn't, why she stayed away from these people, these people who are all obviously glad to see her.  
  
She feels a moment of panic. What if they are somehow involved with Pierce, the man she has feared for the past five years? She has no recollection of him, but she knows that he is at the root of all of this. She has always known it, but has always been too afraid to try and find out why.  
  
Now there is no choice.  
  
As she slowly trains her eyes over all of them, meeting their gazes because they are all staring back - even Isabel now, with tears still reflected in her dark eyes - she finds that she does not fear them. These were her friends. She knows it, just as she has instinctively understood many things over the past years. As usual, she lets intuition lead her and, so, she relaxes slightly again.  
  
What happened to her? She begins to feel impatient, clenches and unclenches her fists on her thighs. She suddenly feels Zan's hand on her back. She can tell that he is trying to calm her, but she flinches away from him. There is no thought behind it. It just happens, and everyone in the room notices. She sees the Ava double - Tess - exchange a look with the other dark-haired young man, Kyle, who is standing near her, and is quite obviously her boyfriend.  
  
Instinct again. Even without Isabel's upset over her brother, Beth would have figured out that because there are two Lonnies, two Raths, two Avas, there must also have been two Zans. And it is not hard to make the leap. There can only be one truth. It is the only thing that makes sense.  
  
She realizes that the reason that Zan has always felt slightly wrong was because he is wrong.  
  
He is the wrong person. He is not the one in her dreams. He is not hers.  
  
Beth bites her lip, closing her eyes, and taking a deep breath. Zan was not surprised to see them, is not shocked that they exist. He has known the truth all along. Somehow he knew who she was, and he has never told her.  
  
Beth considers whether she should ask to speak to Zan privately. Glancing at him out of the corner of her eye, she can see that he remains expressionless after her rejection of him, but she can read him anyway. He is hurt, but still resigned.  
  
Oh, yes. He knew something, maybe not everything, but he knew these doubles existed. She understands abruptly that he has been waiting for this to happen the entire time they have been together. He has been dreading it.  
  
She feels herself softening slightly. He loves her. She knows he does. But she still needs to know why. Why did he never tell her? Why did he never guess that the reason she has always felt she knew him was likely because she knew his twin?  
  
She is about to ask him, when the door to the dressing room flies open, making Beth jump back against the sofa in surprise, her heart pounding. The famous singer, Maria Deluca, flies through it, coming to an abrupt stop in front of her. Tears are in her large blue-green eyes. Beth feels a tug of affection, a sense of familiarity, and suddenly understands why this woman's music has been so important to her. She knew her once upon a time. They were friends.  
  
"Lizzie?" It is a question, but not. Beth knows that Maria is sure that she is Liz Parker. They are all sure. In spite of all the doubles running around, about her they have no doubt. They know who she is.  
  
Beth feels slightly frightened. It is all about to come out. She will finally know what happened to her, how she ended up living this life when, from the way they have all reacted, she should have been with them all along.  
  
"Maria." This is Alex again, sounding stern, the apparent leader of the group, or at least the most able to influence the rest of them. He seems to understand Beth's wariness, because he hurries forward and places a hand on Maria's shoulder.  
  
The singer seems to settle slightly. Beth can tell that Maria's first instinct upon entering the room is to hug her. The understanding of this fact sends a tendril of warmth through her extremities, just as Maria's music has always done.  
  
"I can't believe it's really you!" Maria says, her voice low. "When Michael told me..." She swallows, reaches blindly behind her. Michael has re- entered the room, and he quickly takes her hand. He is breathing heavily, as though he has run the entire way from the stage to keep up with Maria. It almost makes Beth smile. Somehow this seems familiar too.  
  
"She doesn't remember anything, Maria," Alex tells the singer, sounding slightly aggrieved. He looks at Michael. "Didn't you tell her that?"  
  
"She didn't exactly give me the chance," Michael growls.  
  
Beth watches Maria's gaze shift to Zan, who is still sitting silently beside her. Her eyes widen even further. "I can't believe it. I just cannot believe it. I mean, he's identical."  
  
"They're duplicates, Maria," Michael snaps. "Of course he's identical."  
  
Maria ignores him, and looks over at the other Zan's sister. For the first time, Beth realizes that she does not know the other Zan's name. They have not said his name. Not once. "Are you okay, Isabel?"  
  
"Yes," Isabel replies shortly. "It was just a shock at first." Her eyes narrow, and she steps away from the wall, where Alex left her when he came to barricade Maria from jumping on Beth. "I can tell he's not Max."  
  
Max. Isabel's brother. They have very carefully refrained from saying his name, but Isabel has now slipped. The name slams into Beth with the force of a run-away train.  
  
"Max," she whispers to herself, her dream from several nights before returning in vivid detail. She remembers calling to him in her dream.  
  
"Come on! Come on, Max!"  
  
She failed him. He died because of her. And these people thought she died with him. They do not even need to tell her. She knows it is true. They have not said so, but she knew it immediately, anyway. Maria Deluca's song, the one that Beth loves more than any other, the one that entranced her tonight, is about her. It is about her and Max, because they thought they were both dead.  
  
But she, Beth, is not dead.  
  
And, finally, she understands exactly what her dreams have been trying to tell her. 


	5. Chapter 5

Part 5  
  
She hitches a ride. She knows that it is not safe, but she cannot believe that the young couple in the Honda Civic are more dangerous than Pierce. Even his name implies what he will do to her should he find her.  
  
The girl in the passenger seat turns her head, then shifts her whole body around so she can look at Liz over the seat. "Are you from Roswell?" the girl asks. "You look familiar."  
  
"No," she replies curtly. She does not want to admit that she does not know where she is from. "Is that where we are?"  
  
The girl looks at her boyfriend, frowning slightly, then answers, "Close to there."  
  
"I'm from Albuquerque," she says quickly. She knows that Roswell is in New Mexico, and that it is famous for aliens. She also knows that Albuquerque is the closest big city, that it will be the best place to lose herself for a while. How she knows all this, when she does not even know her name, she still cannot answer.  
  
Of course, this is the next question out of the girl's mouth. Or at least it is implied that she should know her own name when the girl introduces herself. "I'm Lisa, this is Jake."  
  
She swallows, frantically searching her mind. Why can't she remember? Finally she settles on the most innocuous name she can think of. "I'm Beth."  
  
And, from that moment on, that is who she becomes. She adds Perkins at the women's shelter, where she spends her first night, directed there from a homeless shelter. She lies to get in, saying that she is eighteen, and that she is running from an abusive boyfriend. She does not feel that it is an untruth, exactly. She might be eighteen. She has no idea how old she is. And they believe that she was abused, based on the state in which she presents herself on their doorstep. Somewhere deep inside, she knows that, though she has not been the victim of any boyfriend, if she allows herself to be found, her fate will be even worse. She somehow understands that her life depends on staying hidden until she can figure out a way to get out of the state. She needs to put as much distance between herself and Pierce as she can.  
  
She needs money. The shelter gets her a job at the university. She works as a file clerk in the back of the office of the Dean of Students. Her coworkers understand that they are not to give her name to anyone, not that anyone would know Beth Perkins anyway. She keeps to herself at the shelter, and at work. She does not think that they suspect that she has no idea who she is. This is important. She must remain unknown until she can find a way out of the city. A girl with no memory would not remain anonymous for long.  
  
Within a month she has enough cash to buy a ticket to some far-off destination. She decides on New York City, because she remembers that she has always wanted to go there. She feels frustration at this. Why does she remember such things? Why can she not remember who Pierce is? Why can't she remember what he wants with her?  
  
She leaves for New York, on the bus, two months after she woke up on the river-bank. She does not remember who she is, suspects that she never will, and decides that it is time to start a new life.  
  
When the bus crosses the state line, she does not look back at New Mexico.  
  
***  
  
"Max." Beth says it without thinking, stands up, the truth of it so obvious, she can't believe that it took her so long to realize it. He is the one. He is the one she needs. She has lost her memory, but she knows this to be true. He is the only one who can help her. He is the only one she wants.  
  
She needs to find him.  
  
"Do you remember him, Liz?"  
  
"No," Beth says quietly. She sees Isabel wilt slightly, as though this is a disappointment she cannot bear. It is as if the thought that Beth does not remember Max has killed him all over again. But Beth knows that none of it matters. Isabel will understand soon enough. She continues urgently, "I don't remember him, but I don't have to." She glances at Zan, knows that if she pursues this, she will be irrevocably changing everything between them.  
  
This seems to upset Isabel even more. "Because you've replaced him?" she snaps, moving forward slightly, almost threatening. Beth does not move, just stares at her. "He's dead, so you just replace him with another model?"  
  
"Isabel," Alex says, moving to hold her back, but Michael has beaten her. Max's sister collapses again, this time into the Rath look-alike's arms.  
  
"I..." Beth is overwhelmed by the taller woman's grief. She can no longer understand it. Not after what she realizes her dreams have been telling her. She has not known that she has been grieving Isabel's brother for five years, but now she understands that she doesn't need to. She also knows that she doesn't need to remember him because she never forgot him. Not really. Finally, she simply blurts, "He's alive."  
  
She turns her head, meeting Zan's eyes. He is staring at her dully, the light that she has always seen in his gaze when he looks at her, extinguished. "He's alive," she whispers. "He is alive and he is not you."  
  
***  
  
Maria insists that Beth spend the night with her at her hotel, and Beth gratefully accepts. She feels safe with this woman, is sad to realize that she no longer feels that way with Zan. She knows that, by not going home with him, she is running from her problems again, but before she can decide about him, she needs to know exactly who she is. She needs to know what happened to her.  
  
She also wants to know the truth about the doubles. It seems clear that the Roswell aliens have known about the New York foursome for years, although no one says this, nor explains how. Beth does not quite understand any of it. She knows how lonely Zan, and Ava, and Lonnie, and Rath have always been. It would have been good for them to know others like them.  
  
But, then she remembers that she suspects Zan knew about Michael, and Isabel, and Tess, all along, too. That Zan has kept this knowledge quiet because, perhaps, he knew that she belonged in Roswell, and not with him.  
  
Michael, their general, seems to suspect this as well, because he demands to accompany Zan back to meet the others. Tess will go with him. Zan accepts this without argument, although Beth can tell that he knows that they are suspicious of him, that they want more information about how long he has known her. Kyle decides to go, too, but Isabel and Alex will stay with Maria and Beth. Max's sister wants to know more about Beth's gut feeling that her brother is alive. Beth senses that, for Alex, the reason for staying behind is much more simple. He doesn't want to leave her. Not when they have just found her again. It makes her feel warm inside.  
  
Before he leaves the hotel, Zan asks to speak with Beth alone. In spite of the fact that she now knows she has been wrong to trust him, something in his face makes it so that she cannot refuse him. She accompanies him into the hallway.  
  
"I never knew for sure, you know," he says quietly. "I swear I didn't."  
  
"But you knew about them? You saw them on the big screen at the concert, and you knew they'd recognize me, too." Which is almost as bad. Because she has always told him that she feels like she has known him forever. She has told him that the first time she laid eyes on him, she almost recognized him. He has to have known, somewhere inside, aware of the duplicates' existence - aware of Max's existence - that it wasn't him she knew. That he was not the right person. "You tried to hide me from them."  
  
He does not answer the last, because it is obvious. Instead, he says, "Our protector told us about them." He sounds bitter. "Before he left."  
  
"Do you think they knew about you?"  
  
"Since he deserted us for them, I'm thinking they probably knew," Zan replies. "Their protector was killed somehow. Looking after them was a promotion for him. He couldn't get out of here fast enough."  
  
"A promotion?" Beth is confused. Both by the existence of the doubles, and by the idea that one set might be more important than the other.  
  
"He told us that if anything ever happens to them, we will take their place. But that it was his job to make sure that was never necessary, because we were such failures." Zan's jaw is clenched. She can tell that their protector's disdain hurts him still. Because, after all, whatever they lacked before had been entirely because their protector had not 'protected' them at all, but had left them largely to their own devices. She feels a tremor, remembering the first time she met Ava...and Zan. She pushes it aside, because now is not the time for sympathy.  
  
For once, it has to be about her.  
  
She returns to her questions. "Take their place?" she asks. "Take his place, with me? Why?"  
  
"No, not with you." He looks at the ground. "I didn't...I mean, I hoped that it wasn't like that." He swallows visibly, and Beth feels her heart go out to him in spite of herself. She knows that he loves her. She has always known it. And, she does love him too. Of course, she does. She has lived with him for two years.  
  
But she still cannot go home with him tonight. Nor can she say anything to reassure him.  
  
"They have the granolith," he adds, seeming to want to change the subject. Somehow they are both aware of the fact that, until she knows the absolute truth about who his double, Max, was to her, they cannot discuss anything about their relationship.  
  
"What does that even mean?" Beth asks. She has overheard Zan, and Lonnie, and Rath discussing the granolith, but they have never explained it to her.  
  
"It means that he was the real king," Zan snaps. "It means that I'm just the sub waiting on the side-line, in case something happens to him. That's why Langley left. He wanted the real deal, not the copy."  
  
Beth decides to ignore the implication that he thinks that she must feel the same way, now that she knows that there is another. She refuses to allow him to make her feel guilty. She can not feel guilty - not for being who she is. She does not know anything about Liz Parker, but she does know that she wants to find out. And she has every right to.  
  
"Did you know that they thought he was dead?" Beth demands. "Isn't there some way you should have known? I mean, if you are to replace him, shouldn't there be some kind of signal between all of you? Or at least between you and him?"  
  
"You'd think," Zan mutters flatly. He then looks up. "How are you so sure he isn't? Dead, I mean," Zan demands.  
  
"He's not," Beth replies. "You know he isn't. You've known it all along, and you didn't do anything to help me find him." The words escape her lips before she can stop herself. She sees them pierce him, like the daggers she somehow knows she has meant them to be. She feels instant remorse, but it cannot be taken back.  
  
She cannot change that she has always felt that he was wrong. She cannot change that he has always known it. She cannot change that they both now think they know why.  
  
She cannot change that what has happened has changed everything.  
  
"I didn't know for sure," Zan replies, his voice even. He is not angry. He is good. He knows that she did not mean it. He also knows that there is no going back. Not now. So he goes forward and says what they have both been trying to avoid having to say. "I swear I did not know that you and he were..." He trails off, as though, suddenly, he loses his nerve, and cannot acknowledge what must have been.  
  
"I don't know either," Beth reminds him. She gestures behind her. "That's what I'm here to find out."  
  
For a long moment, their eyes meet. Finally he says, "You know."  
  
With that, he turns on his heel, and walks away. 


	6. Chapter 6

Part 6  
  
It is the middle of the night when she arrives in New York and, because of it, the worst happens. She is barely off the bus and out on the street, looking for a hotel, when she is mugged. Her assailant is short, and blonde, with a pierced lip - and a knife.  
  
For a moment, she considers fighting. This is not Pierce, after all, and she survived him. Even if she is unsure what this means, she knows that it means more than a girl with a knife. Beth needs her money more than this person needs it. But, when she meets the short blonde's eyes, she senses that this is untrue. She cannot be any older than Beth, but there is a hunger in the other girl's blue-eyed gaze that she knows she has never felt. She knows this, even though she has no memory of who she really is. Crazily, she suddenly feels sorry for the other girl. Without another thought, she hands over her money, and the blonde disappears down a nearby subway staircase, not looking back.  
  
She is unhurt, but everything she expected to use to support herself, until she finds a job, is gone. She returns to the bus station, and spends the night on a bench, trying not to close her eyes, because she is now frightened. What has that other girl seen, what has she lived, that has made her desperate enough to do what she did? What has Beth gotten herself into by coming here? She has not expected to find fear in New York. She was sure that she left fear behind in New Mexico; that by getting as far away from Pierce as she could, the cold hand, which has wrapped itself around her heart since she awoke beside the river, would finally unclench. She is disappointed.  
  
She has another fright, close to dawn. Her eyes have finally drifted shut, but she jerks out of her half-sleep state when she senses that she is being watched. She is not wrong. He has spiky dark hair, side-burns, a pierced eye-brow, and a goatee, and is sitting on a bench across from her. She feels her heart start to thump in dismay. But, when she meets his gaze, it is kind.  
  
For one, heart-stopping moment, as their eyes lock, she feels a sense of recognition. She literally feels the urge to throw herself into his arms.  
  
But, when he opens his mouth, the feeling goes away. The voice she, strangely, expected to know does not come.  
  
"You okay?" he asks, his New York twang heavy, even in those two words.  
  
"Yes, thank you," she replies, getting quickly to her feet. "I'm just waiting for my ride."  
  
"All night?" he asks, making her heart jump again. He has obviously been watching her for a while.  
  
"Yes," Beth snaps, looking around nervously. She knows that there is a security guard in the bus station. Where is he?  
  
"Need this?"  
  
She looks back at the strange young man, sees him holding out a wad of bills. Her eyes widen. "What is that? I can't take that!"  
  
"It's yours."  
  
"Thanks, but I can't," Beth replies, moving away. She is surprised that she does not wrench away when she feels a hand on her shoulder. Instead she stops and looks back at him.  
  
"I ain't kidding. It's really yours. That girl, who took it... She's my sister."  
  
Beth cannot believe it. The guy is associated with her mugger. She reaches out, and takes the money, counting it. It is all there. "But, why...?"  
  
He replies seriously. "I don't hold with taking money from girls."  
  
"Well, thank you." She does not know what else to say. Because his comment implies that he doesn't mind taking money from others.  
  
He grins slightly. "Welcome to New York." With that, he turns on his heel and walks away.  
  
She does not see him again for three years. At least not in the flesh. Because he starts appearing in her dreams - and sometimes in her nightmares - that very night.  
  
***  
  
"So, you've been in New York this whole time?" Maria asks, sounding amazed. "God, Liz, I just can't believe it."  
  
"Yes. For five years," Beth replies. She does not contest them calling her Liz. It is, after all, her name. She will adjust to it, will hopefully start to think of herself as the mystery that is [I]Liz.[/I] She quickly tells them the story about waking up beside the river, and all that led to her arrival in the city.  
  
She is sitting on a couch in Maria's hotel suite, alone. Maria, Alex, and Isabel are lined up on another sofa, across from her. Maria's stiff posture indicates that she is over there under duress; that Alex has somehow convinced her that she should keep a distance from Beth, until everything is cleared up. Beth is not sure how she knows that this must be Alex's idea, but somehow she does. She feels bad that they do not think that they can be natural around her. She senses that Maria's place is beside her; that, before, it was where she would have been.  
  
There is a long moment of silence. They do not seem to want to pressure her for answers. She is certain that the ones she has to give them will prove disappointing anyway. Her life has not been particularly interesting, or exciting, or dangerous. She has not been unhappy, since arriving in New York. Sometimes, yes, but not all the time. She wonders if this will hurt them. She wonders if they have expected her to pine for them, as they have clearly done for her.  
  
"Can..." she pauses, then forges ahead. "Can you tell me about myself?"  
  
"What do you want to know?" Maria asks. "I've known you for your whole life. I can tell you anything!" This is not the calm, collected, famous singer that Beth has seen interviewed on television. This woman is nervous, afraid of making a mistake, desperate to do the right thing.  
  
It makes Beth feel warm again. She relaxes, which seems to signal to the other three that they can do so as well, because the tension in the room eases noticeably.  
  
"I want to know everything," she admits. "But, start with the night I..." She glances at Isabel. "We," she amends meaningfully, "disappeared."  
  
Alex and Isabel exchange a glance. "Okay," Alex finally agrees. "But, first, we need to know what you know." He grimaces slightly, obviously still a little uncertain. "I mean, it's pretty clear that you know the truth about..." He trails off, looking frustrated.  
  
Beth smiles slightly. She then raises her index finger and points upwards. "You mean, how do I know about this?"  
  
A strange look crosses Alex's face. Beth's smile falters. "Is something wrong?" she asks, wondering what has gone amiss. If there was one thing she was certain they have all acknowledged, it is the fact that there is a reason that there are two Zans, and two Lonnies, and two Raths, and two Avas.  
  
"Sorry," Alex says quickly. "It's just...You did that exact thing when you first told me about Max." He quirks a wry grin. "We were in jail at the time."  
  
Beth's eyes widen. Her heart starts to thump. "Because of Pierce?" she demands.  
  
The trio across the table all tense, in unison. But all Alex says is, "No."  
  
Beth frowns. "Who is Pierce?"  
  
"How do you know that name?" Isabel demands. "He...I mean, he didn't hurt you, did he?" She sounds horrified.  
  
"No," Beth replies quickly. "Not that I remember. But you know who he is?" She feels amazed that, after all this time, she will finally understand why she fears this name so much.  
  
"Yes," Isabel whispers. "He's the head of something called the Special Unit. They're alien hunters. They..." Her voice cracks slightly. She continues, after Alex takes her hand. "They kidnapped Max. They tortured him. I dream-walked him, though, and we found him. We managed to get him out, because you told Kyle's father, Sheriff Valenti, what had happened. He helped us. Anyway, after we rescued him, we split up. You took Max with you..." Her voice hitches again. It is clear that she cannot go on.  
  
"We never saw you again," Alex finishes. There is another long pause, as Beth absorbs this. Finally, she becomes aware of Alex's intense gaze on her face. She meets his eyes. "Lizzie, how do you know about Pierce, if you don't remember any of this?"  
  
"I woke up beside the river, and after I started walking, I eventually came to a bridge," Beth replies quietly. She looks at Isabel. "There were men there, pushing a red car off it. They said they didn't need it anymore, because Pierce had found what he wanted."  
  
When she hears Isabel gasp, Beth is prepared for it. Because she has finally understood exactly what - exactly who - Pierce had found.  
  
"Oh my God," Isabel moans. "You said that you know that Max is alive," she says, leaning forward. Isabel's tone suddenly implies that this might not be the miracle she is hoping for. "How? Liz, how do you know this?"  
  
"He's in my dreams," Beth replies, choking on her own tears now. "When I met Zan, I thought it was him, but I know now that it wasn't. It was Max. He has always been with me. He left for a little while," - she decides not to explain that her dreams - that Max - left when she committed to Zan, knowing that Max's sister will not understand - "But last week he came back." Maria has moved now, and is sitting beside her, her arm around Beth's shoulders. Beth barely notices though. She touches her heart. "He's here. I know he's alive."  
  
"But from what you just told us, Pierce found him again. He must have!" Isabel is beginning to sound a little hysterical. Beth understands. She is starting to feel that way herself. Even though Max is still simply a name, a figment of a dream, not really a recollection, he is already more than that.  
  
No, not already. He always was.  
  
She knows, quite simply, with no memory of it, that he is, was, and always will be, her heart. She has been mislead by Zan, probably not on purpose, but it was enough that, for a time, she lost her way. She lost Max. The guilt of it is almost beyond her comprehension.  
  
How could she have forgotten him? How could she have forgotten someone who, it is now so clear to her, means everything?  
  
And, if they are right, then Max has spent the last five years in captivity, under the control of the one person she crossed the continent to evade. She ran away. She was the one they trusted to get him to safety, and she had failed him.  
  
She knows he is alive, and she knows that he has haunted her, and she knows why. She left him behind, but he is still depending on her to free him. He has been calling to her for help for five years, and she has ignored every cry. She has lived with his double, mostly happy; he has lived in misery, alone and forgotten.  
  
Beth reaches out, grabs Isabel's hand. The tall blonde meets her eyes. "Isabel, he is alive. I know he is. We've found each other for a reason. I know it. It's fate. We are meant to save him. It's not too late."  
  
"But where do we even start?" Isabel wails.  
  
Beth trembles slightly, finally understanding why she has never let Lonnie into her dreams. It is because Lonnie does not belong there. This woman is the one she has been waiting for. Lonnie would never have understood Beth's dreams anyway. But this woman will.  
  
Her dreams are the key.  
  
And, when she tells Isabel this, the other woman simply nods, as though she has known it all along. 


	7. Chapter 7

Part 7  
  
Two years pass in the blink of an eye. With her returned money, she manages to find herself a small apartment in Greenwich Village. It is a closet, really, but it is all hers. She finds a job close by, serving tables in a large and busy café. How she knows that she will be good at this, she has no idea, but she is proven right. Soon she is well known in the neighborhood. She has a good memory for details, and the customers like that she can greet them by name, which means that her tips are excellent. She recognizes the irony that she can remember complete strangers, but cannot remember who she is.  
  
The guy from the bus station continues to haunt her dreams. She knows it is him, although she does not remember any of the details in the morning. She simply awakens, gasping for breath, in a cold sweat, and knows that he was there, and then he wasn't. That, in the dream, she has failed him somehow, and he has left her because of it.  
  
She reads books on dreams and decides that he represents her lost memory. That she is mourning the loss of her life before, and that he is a figure symbolizing her past.  
  
And, yet, in spite of the fear and sadness that accompany the dreams, she also welcomes them. She endures the nightmares, and does not try to stop them. They are the only true thing she has. The life she has built for herself, while mostly content, is lonely. She chooses not to get close to anyone, fearing that, without her memory, she might allow her enemies to enter her life. The boy in her dreams represents her loss, but she also feels that she is found when she sees him there. In real life, for one moment, he was kind to her. With him, for an instant, she felt safe. And, so, in her dreams, simply being with him, is a comfort.  
  
After the first few months, she stops looking for him in every crowd. Somehow she knows that there is no need. He will come to her nightly anyway. But, she also understands that the dreams are temporary. She feels that there will be a reckoning someday. She will see him again.  
  
When the time finally comes, she finds that she is ready for him. She feels relieved that the waiting has ended. The circumstances are not even shocking to her, although most would find them to be so. None of it is unexpected.  
  
She is in the alley, behind the café, throwing a garbage bag into the bin. She senses danger, even before she hears anything, and, so, she is half- turning when she is grabbed from behind. She stumbles into her assailant, causing him to lose his balance. For one, brief instant, she is sure it is Pierce. That he has finally found her. But, when the knife pierces her flesh, she knows it is not.  
  
She knows that if Pierce ever found her, he would not kill her quickly. Oh, no. He would take his time, making each moment leading to her end count for all the years that she has evaded him. She does not know how she knows this, but she is certain of it.  
  
This is not Pierce. This is an accident. Another random tragedy in a city full of them. Looking up into her attacker's face, she can see that he is more surprised than she by what has happened. He intended to hurt her, but not like this. Later, Beth remembers that she was not surprised by any of it. She knows that what happened in the alley was fate.  
  
Because, he leaves her lying in a pool of her own blood. As the light dims, she gasps slightly, the pain almost unbearable. She can feel a name forming on her lips - knows that she wants to cry out to someone - but her memory will not allow her to form the word. It is the worst part of the whole experience. That she cannot even remember who she wants while she is dying.  
  
Three days later, she opens her eyes again, and she is found.  
  
The ceiling above her is white. It sends a shiver down her spine. She senses that she is not alone, turns her head to the right, and sees a dark head resting on a pair of folded arms beside her on the bed. She slowly reaches out, touches the silky strands.  
  
Strangely, her first thought is that he needs a haircut. Her second is that he has finally come for her.  
  
Her movement awakens him, and he raises his head. The dark eyes that meet hers are as familiar to her as her own. It is the guy from the bus station. She drinks in his face, can see that he looks different, although she is completely certain that it is him. His hair is long now, just brushing the collar of his jacket. The goatee is gone, replaced by scruffy stubble. All the piercings are gone, too. She feels her forehead crease slightly, as she takes this in. She recognizes him, but she no longer feels the sense of familiarity that accompanies his visits in her dreams.  
  
Something is wrong. And, yet, there can be no mistaking him, so she pushes the momentary doubt aside. Because, after all this time, he has come.  
  
He swallows visibly. She can tell that he is nervous. She wonders at it. Does he not feel what she feels? "You're awake."  
  
"Where am I?" she asks, buying time, trying to understand why he is afraid of her.  
  
"In the hospital. Do you remember what happened?"  
  
She nods. "Did you bring me here?"  
  
"Eventually," he says. A strange answer. "After we were sure that you were going to be okay."  
  
"After?" Shouldn't she have been brought here before?  
  
"It's a long story." He looks away, as though thinking, then back. "Do you remember me?" he finally asks.  
  
"The bus station," she replies, earning a lopsided smile that makes her stomach rumble. The longer she looks at him, the less she feels the sense of wrongness that first came over her when she opened her eyes.  
  
"That's right."  
  
"Who are you?" she whispers. "Do you know who I am?" She does not mean Beth. She knows Beth. She means before. Who was she before? Because, for some reason, she feels that he can tell her.  
  
But he does not tell her. Instead he says, "I'm Zan. And you are the one I have been waiting for my entire life."  
  
***  
  
Zan has called ahead, and so Ava, Lonnie, and Rath are waiting for them when they arrive at the apartment he shares with Beth. The door is locked, but he can sense that they are there.  
  
The others have barely spoken on the cab ride over. The human, Kyle, is a mystery to Zan, as are most humans. Beth has always ever been the exception. The originals are easier to read. In fact, being in their presence is like being in the company of heightened versions of his own family. He can feel the barely contained rage the Rath's original emits. This man misses his king, and he is not at all willing to accept Zan as his brother's replacement. In fact, he is ready to murder Zan before he will even contemplate it. The Ava double is slightly nervous, but calmer; more curious than confrontational.  
  
"Where's Beth?" It is Ava who asks, when Zan leads his three companions into the living room. He clenches his jaw at the sight of the woman he calls sister anxiously standing in the center of the room. Her question is too eager, as always. The act that she puts on, that she is happy for him, has always made him feel more guilty than any show of jealousy or anger would have. She is too good.  
  
"She's staying out tonight," Zan replies. He glances at the three Roswellians. The Rath original - Zan realizes that he will have to start thinking of him by his name, Michael - has his arms crossed. He is glaring at Zan, his expression easily readable. As far as Michael is concerned, Beth is not staying out tonight. Beth is staying out forever, if Michael has anything to say about it.  
  
But Zan knows that it is not up to either of them. It is up to Beth, and Zan's heart breaks anew; the ice he has frozen around it, since he left her in that hotel, cracks, as the truth that she has already chosen forces its way in.  
  
He is alive and he is not you.  
  
With those simple words, she has changed their idyllic world. She has destroyed his entire world. Because she is it. She is everything.  
  
And she is not his.  
  
Ava steps forward, forcing Zan back to reality. She takes her original's hand. "I'm Ava. I'm so glad to finally meet you!"  
  
The expression on Tess's face is hard to read. She looks mildly ill, but also fascinated. "I'm Tess."  
  
"I know," Ava replies. She smiles, releasing Tess. She gestures at Rath, near the window, and Lonnie, who is seated on the couch. "That's Rath, and that's Lonnie - it's short for Vilandra."  
  
"I know," Tess says, sounding so exactly like Ava did moments before, it erases any comfort that Ava's friendliness has managed to bring to the room. Tess continues quickly, "I mean, Langley told us. About you. We know that Lonnie is short for Vilandra," she finishes lamely, before pressing her lips together. The human, Kyle, puts his arm around her, and she leans into him gratefully. Zan sees Ava watch this, a bemused expression on her face.  
  
"Let's cut to the chase here," Michael growls. "I want to know how long you've been lying to Liz about who she really is."  
  
Since entering the apartment, Michael has not even looked at his dupe. It is as though, by ignoring him, Rath does not exist. It makes Zan angry, for the first time this evening. Before, he was guilty - rightfully. But Rath deserves recognition. He is standing against the wall near the window, his arms crossed in a mirror image to Michael's. Zan recognizes his brother's attempt to project a lack of concern. It reinforces more than anything else that Rath is afraid. He does not know what this means, the fact that they are being confronted by their originals, after so long, and it frightens him. Rath, more than any of them, is happy with their simple life in New York. He has never wanted to go back, and Zan understands that he fears that this is what the originals' arrival in New York means.  
  
Because why are they here? Langley went to them years ago. Why has he not taken them back to Antar? This is what Rath wonders.  
  
But Zan knows why. It is because they have lost their king. They have lost Beth's Max, and they have waited five years for him. They will accept no replacement, obviously. And now they will not have to. Because, they have found her. And, now that they have, they can find him.  
  
She is the key. She is his, so completely, that she is the only one who can ever bring him back to them. Everything that has not made sense, over the years that Zan and Beth have been together, crystallizes into complete understanding. What has been wrong is so clear, he does not know how he avoided the truth of it for so long; how he managed to lie to himself - and her - for years.  
  
She belonged to another him first, and, in her heart - in her dreams - that has never changed.  
  
It is in that instant - with the final acceptance of what is true and what cannot be changed - that Zan starts to feel him. He can sense Max - his original - and he knows that Beth is right. He is alive somewhere. With his acknowledgment of Max's existence, the king lives again.  
  
Zan wonders how he could ever have forgotten what it felt like to know Max. The king has been a part of him for his entire life. How has he managed to ignore Max's pain so completely? Because, now that he feels it again, it is almost overwhelming.  
  
But Zan knows how. Beth. She muted everything. His love for her made him so happy, he was able to easily ignore his original's suffering.  
  
The guilt of it is almost unbearable.  
  
He wonders if the others can feel each other in the same way he can feel Max. He glances at his sister, then at Michael. Is this why the general is standing so stiffly? Can he feel everything there is to know about Rath? Can he feel Rath's fear of him, and so he is playing the part expected of him?  
  
"Liz?" Lonnie asks leaning forward on the couch. She looks at him questioningly.  
  
"Beth's real name is Liz," Zan tells her, through gritted teeth, forcing himself to focus on the matter at hand. He does not appreciate Michael's arrogance, but he thinks he now understands. It is not all about Rath. After all, the Roswellians have grown up knowing that they are the real deal. They are the Royal Four, and they are meant to rule. "She grew up in Roswell, apparently. These were her friends."  
  
Lonnie closes her eyes for a moment, then opens them and meets his. "Zan, I told you it was a mistake, taking her to that concert."  
  
He knew it, knows it still. But he couldn't resist. Not when he knew how much it would mean to Beth. He tried to pretend that he did not understand why his girlfriend loved Maria Deluca's music so much. He deliberately ignored the fact that the singer came from Roswell, New Mexico, the same place he knew the Royal Four lived. He pretended to himself that there was no connection. He tells himself now that he only wanted to help her find a little peace. He was certain that going to the concert would do that.  
  
It is only now, after the worst has happened, that he knows what he was really doing. Going to that concert was not about Beth at all. It was about him.  
  
He had been testing her. Once and for all, he had been making sure that it was him she wanted; that his innermost fear, the barely acknowledged paranoia that she had known his original, and that she didn't want him at all, was unfounded.  
  
He has gambled, and he has lost. And, because of it, he is going to lose her. Finally, the knowledge that he has held all along - that this could not last - has borne fruit.  
  
She is not his, and never has been. His heart has always told him as much, although he has tried to ignore his doubts. He has stood in her way for too long, keeping her for himself, because the happiness she brings is more than he ever imagined he deserved.  
  
It has been a stolen season.  
  
And, now, because of it, he is going to have to give her up. 


	8. Chapter 8

Part 8  
  
Zan stays with her for another hour. There are too many questions, so she asks none of them. Instead, they stay silent, and she revels in the fullest sense of security she has felt since waking up on the river bank over two years before. Before he leaves, he squeezes her hand, and tells her that he will explain everything when she leaves the hospital. In spite of the years she has waited for him to return, she is satisfied with this explanation.  
  
No nightmares come that night. She sleeps in true peace for the first time since she arrived in New York.  
  
It is only in the morning that she even begins to question how it is possible that the knife has not done more damage. She stands on the edge of the bath tub in her hospital room, lifts her gown, and stares at the perfect skin on her abdomen. There is no bandage, nor is there a mark. It as though there was never a knife at all. She frowns.  
  
When Zan returns to accompany her home, she is sitting in a chair near the window, staring out. She does not turn her head, knowing that if she meets his eyes, she will not have the courage to ask him what she must. "Why am I here?" she demands quietly. "I know it's not because of what happened in the alley."  
  
"No," Zan agrees. "It was because you wouldn't wake up. We were worried that you hit your head when you fell."  
  
"We?" She remembers that yesterday he also implied that he was not the only one who brought her to the hospital.  
  
"My sisters and me."  
  
She remembers one of his sisters from that day in the bus station. It reinforces to her just how much he has changed since then. She finally turns to look at him. "You sound different." She knows that it is a strange thing to say at this moment, but it is true. His accent is nowhere near as pronounced.  
  
Zan looks down for a moment, then shrugs. "I've been working on it. I'm in school."  
  
She frowns slightly. "Really?"  
  
"Yeah," he continues. "That night...with Ava...I just didn't want her to feel like she had to do that anymore. I want a better job, and to make more than minimum wage, I need school."  
  
She knows that he means the night at the bus station, but she asks anyway, because she can't quite believe it. "You decided you wanted a better job after that night?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
His honesty reassures her for some reason. She decides to go with her gut instinct and will trust him. After all, in the two years since the river, instinct has not failed her yet. She feels that he will explain the mystery of the alley when they are alone.  
  
She is right. The instant she closes the door of her small apartment behind them both, he turns to her and says, "You must have a lot of questions."  
  
Beth simply nods, trying to decide what to ask first. Who am I? Why am I not dead? Why have you haunted my dreams? Why do I feel this way, when I barely even know your name?  
  
"I'll start with the easy one," Zan says, after she continues to stare at him helplessly, incapable of choosing. "I found you in the alley. You had lost a lot of blood, so I took you back to where I live, to let you rest, and to make sure that you were okay. When you wouldn't wake up, my sister, Lonnie, told me I should take you to the hospital."  
  
"Why didn't you take me right there?" she asks. "I must have been close to dead." She remembers the way the blood felt, as it oozed out. She knows that he is right. She lost a lot of it, quickly. The cut was deep.  
  
He grimaces slightly, then says, in a rush, "You weren't. I healed you."  
  
She knows that this revelation should be shocking, but it is not. For some reason, she is not at all surprised. But, since he seems to expect it, she asks, "What do you mean?"  
  
"I can heal things," he says, shrugging. "You weren't going to make it to the hospital, so I had no choice." She can tell also that he feels that he has no choice but to tell her the truth. She wonders at it. Would it not have been easier for him to have just taken her to the hospital, and then never seen her again? She never would have known the difference at all.  
  
And, yet, here he is, telling her that he has healed her. Nor is she surprised to hear him say it.  
  
She asks instead, "How did you find me?"  
  
His shifts uneasily. "I sometimes hang around that neighborhood. I saw you go into the alley, and when you didn't come out, I went after you."  
  
"You follow me?" She wonders why this does not frighten her. She knows that it should, but, instead, it makes her feel safe, to know that he has been like a guardian angel.  
  
He swallows, then laughs a little, obviously embarrassed. "Only for a couple of days. I saw you on the street. I found out where you worked and I was trying to get up the nerve to come in to talk to you." He sighs. "We didn't exactly meet under the best of circumstances last time. I was afraid that you'd..." He trails off, not uncertain exactly, but careful.  
  
"Not want to see you?"  
  
"I guess."  
  
She wonders how it is possible that he can be nervous around her. She feels anything but in his company. But, then, for two years, her dreams of him have been her touchstone. He cannot know this. It is clear, from his behavior, that they do not know each other, that they never did.  
  
And, yet, she knows him anyway.  
  
"I wanted to," she says, hoping to put him at ease. He looks up at her, smiling in that slightly lopsided way that sets her heart racing. "I've never forgotten you."  
  
They stare at each other for a long moment. Finally, he says, "Don't you want to know how I healed you?"  
  
It is odd that she has forgotten about this. "Do you want to tell me?" Because, she realizes, if he does not want to tell her, she does not mind. She does not understand why she is so willing to ignore what is normal where he is concerned.  
  
"I want you to know everything," Zan replies, sounding amazed that this is true.  
  
And, after that first night, she does.  
  
***  
  
"Have you done this before?" Isabel asks.  
  
They are lying in separate beds in the bedroom of Maria's hotel suite. Alex and Maria are waiting in the other room, not wanting to make either of them nervous by watching them. Beth feels her heart thunder in her chest, knows that Maria and Alex are the least of her worries. They have been nothing but supportive, and she feels completely comfortable in their company. The real problem is that she has no idea how to fall asleep. She is so eager to do so, she knows that it might be many hours before she actually can.  
  
Her brain is working a mile a minute. There is too much to process, too much new information. Even though she has told them not to tell her anything more about herself until they have found Max - she does not want her mind to become any more jumbled than it already is - what she knows already is almost overwhelming. How is she ever supposed to calm down enough to sleep?  
  
"No," Beth replies. "Lonnie never tried. I asked her not to."  
  
There is a long moment of silence, and then Isabel asks quietly, "And you believed her? You believe that she never did?"  
  
Beth frowns up at the darkened ceiling. "Of course I believed her. Why?"  
  
"I just know what I would have done," Isabel replies.  
  
"Lonnie's not like that," Beth says, feeling a little annoyed.  
  
"Not like me?" Isabel asks, sounding slightly amused. It is the first time Isabel has bent at all in Beth's presence. Since the moment they have met, she has felt that Max's sister is more pained than anything, by her return. "You've always been too trusting, Liz."  
  
Beth smiles in spite of herself. She recognizes the irony. Isabel's comment has also made her wonder, for the first time, if Lonnie has not, perhaps, taken an uninvited wander through her mind, once or twice. Because, after all, Beth's friend and Isabel are the same.  
  
"Is that how you knew you could trust me? You dreamwalked me?" She still does not know exactly how she first found out that Max, Isabel, Michael, and Tess are aliens. It is one secret that will be kept until Max is found, so that she can stay focused on the task at hand. But she feels that this question will not reveal too much.  
  
"No," Isabel replies. There is a long pause, and then she continues, "Max always felt like he could trust you."  
  
"And that was good enough for you?" This amazes Beth. She remembers how angry both Lonnie and Rath were during the first months after Zan let her in on their secret. She frowns again. They did eventually learn to like her. Is this more proof that perhaps Lonnie has dreamwalked her, after all?  
  
"Of course not," Isabel is saying. "But he connected with you, and it confirmed it. I believed him then."  
  
Beth is confused. "Connected?"  
  
There is another long silence in the darkness, and then Isabel says, "You've never connected with Zan? Didn't you say that he healed you, and that's how you found out?"  
  
"Yes." She still does not know what Isabel is getting at.  
  
"He has to have connected with you to have done that, Liz. He saw inside you. He saw your thoughts."  
  
She feels like an idiot, but she still has to admit, "I have no idea what you're talking about."  
  
"It's the only way our gifts work. We have to connect mentally with the other person. I mean, that's obvious with me and Tess, but it's true of the guys, too. Like, Michael can randomly blast people, but if he wants to actually kill them, he needs to be inside their head. The same was true of Max when he healed. When he heals," she amends quickly, the past tense obviously anathema to her, now that she has hope that her brother is alive.  
  
"As far as I know, Zan's never done that with me," Beth replies, frowning again. Is this something else he has kept from her? Has he seen inside her head and never told her? Is this just more proof that he has known who she is all along?  
  
"That's not the only way to connect, Liz." Isabel sounds tentative, as though she doesn't really want to know what she is about to ask, but she goes ahead anyway, "You guys...I mean, haven't you...?" She cannot finish her question, but Beth knows what she means.  
  
She swallows, feeling a flash of guilt. Because, of course, by confirming this, she will be admitting to Isabel that she has betrayed Isabel's brother. "Yeah," she whispers.  
  
"Then, this makes no sense at all," Isabel says, sounding brisk, as though she can dismiss Beth's admission. "When you're making love...it just happens. That's just the way we're made. There has to be a reason you haven't connected with him."  
  
Beth feels slightly nauseous, unable to even register what Isabel is saying. When they find Max, how is he going to react to this, if Isabel can barely acknowledge the truth of how far she has committed to Zan? She does not remember what it means to know Max - he is still only someone who exists on the dream plain for her - but, somehow she is aware that he will be devastated. She feels devastated, and she has no memory of what they meant to each other. But, then, when it comes to Max, she is already learning that memory means little. She simply knows. And it means everything. She remembers all that she has shared with Zan, and it is no longer as comforting and sweet as it was only a day ago.  
  
"He won't care."  
  
Beth blinks into the darkness. "What?"  
  
"Liz, if he's alive, trust me. He will not care. He loves you." Isabel has recognized Beth's tortured silence, and the other woman is kind enough to offer comfort, even though, inside, she must be angry. Because, how can she not be? Beth knows how Lonnie would react if she ever cheated on Zan.  
  
She chooses not to reflect on the fact that, in many ways, simply by being here with Isabel, about to go in search of another man, she has already done so. It is just too complicated. At this time, Max is the one who needs her, and she cannot desert him again. Zan, and everything to do with him, including even thinking about him, will just have to wait.  
  
So, instead, she returns to thinking about the connection in general. "So, I did connect with Max?"  
  
Isabel snorts slightly. "All the time." Beth wonders why she sounds annoyed, although it seems to be mixed with affection. "I swear, half the time you two were having private conversations in your heads. All you had to do was look at each other, and you were goners."  
  
Beth feels warm, a blush creeping up her cheeks. She wishes she could remember! She clears her throat, then continues her line of questioning, trying to bring the bud of understanding that has opened in her mind to full flower. "So, you connect with Alex?" The question is actually a private one, nor does Beth particularly want to know, but she needs a few full, clear facts on this "connecting' business before she will voice her hypothesis.  
  
"Yes, Liz," Isabel replies, sounding amused again. "I "connect" with Alex. We've been going out for over five years."  
  
"Can you connect with other people?"  
  
"Sure. Michael, Tess..." She trails off, as though realizing where Liz is headed. "Do you mean other humans?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"I can dreamwalk them," Isabel replies.  
  
"But do you "connect" with them?"  
  
"No," Isabel whispers. "How could I have forgotten about this? Langley told us all about this. I guess it makes sense though. We've tried to forget we ever knew him. But no wonder Zan has never connected with you."  
  
Beth thinks that she has already worked out what Isabel is remembering. "It's because Max did it first, isn't it?"  
  
"I guess it is," Isabel replies, sounding a little amazed. "Wow. I never really believed Langley about anything, but he was obviously right about this." Beth hears Isabel shift on the bed and, moments later, the light flips on. Beth blinks against the glare, but soon can see that Isabel is crying.  
  
Beth sits up quickly, staring at the other woman in consternation. "What's wrong?"  
  
"Until this moment, I didn't quite believe you, but now I do," Isabel replies, smiling through her tears. "Langley told us that once we connect with a human, as long as that human lives, we will never be able to connect to another. And the same thing applies the other way. So, basically, you've just confirmed that Max is alive." She shakes her blonde head. "It still doesn't explain how Zan was able to heal you without connecting to you, but who cares about that right now?" She meets Liz's gaze head-on. "We need to find him. Liz, we have to find him."  
  
"I thought that's what we were here to do," Beth tells her, confused. She is not nearly as elated by all of this as Isabel, because she has known all along, since the moment his name was mentioned, that Max is still alive. She feels mildly upset that Isabel did not believe her.  
  
"You were," Isabel says, sounding a little guilty. "I can't say that I really was. I wanted into your head to see if you were really Liz, actually."  
  
"What?" Beth exclaims.  
  
Isabel sighs. "I'm sorry, Liz. You have to understand, though. We've thought you were dead for five years. We know for a fact that shapeshifters are running around on this planet. After what happened..." Isabel's eyes fill with tears again. "It's really hard to trust anything anymore."  
  
Beth feels her heart go out to the other woman. Again she is filled with remorse that these people have spent five years mourning her death, while she still cannot even remember why they should have done so. "It's all right," she says, hoping to comfort Isabel. "Are you really ready to do this now?"  
  
Isabel reaches out and clasps Beth's hand. "I am. I'm absolutely ready to bring my brother home. Thank you."  
  
Beth stares at her. "For what? I haven't done anything yet!"  
  
"Yes, you have. You've reminded me what hope really feels like. I'd forgotten how you always did that. Some things don't change, I guess."  
  
Beth glances down, guilt weighing down upon her again. "But a lot has, Isabel." She thinks about how she is soon going to be forced to make a choice, about how this moment of closeness with Isabel might not last. Because, what if Max comes back and wants nothing to do with her? And, if that happens, can she just turn back to Zan, as though nothing has happened? She doubts that either of them will be able to do that. She doubts that Zan will want to be second best, and she does not think that she can settle for it any longer either.  
  
Everything has changed. Everything will change. And, finally, Beth understands why she has feared finding out about "before." The past is a frightening proposition. Pursuing it makes the future even more of one.  
  
"Liz." Beth raises her eyes to meet Isabel's. "Some things don't change. My brother's feelings for you...They won't have. I promise."  
  
"Isabel, how can you know that?"  
  
"Because you're Liz," Isabel replies simply. "Everything has changed, you've changed, but you're still Liz. You are all he has ever wanted - ever."  
  
"But..." Beth feels tears fill her eyes, reflecting Isabel's. "After everything...I mean, I've been living with Zan!"  
  
"No, Liz, you haven't," Isabel tells her. "It is so obvious. Every single one of us sees it, including Zan. He knows it, Liz. He's known it since the moment he set eyes on us and realized that we knew you. You haven't been living with Zan. You've been living with Max. In your heart, he has always been Max. You might not have called him that, but that's who he was. To you."  
  
The worst part of it all is that Beth does not feel reassured by Isabel's words, even though she knows that Max's sister means them to be comforting. They only make her feel worse. Because she knows that Isabel is right. And, she also knows that the truth of it means that she there is only one road open to her. She has no choice now, and she dreads what has to be.  
  
Because, whether her heart thought that Zan was Max or not, her head chose to ignore this fact. Her mind, feeling safe and secure for the first time since the river, allowed herself to have a relationship with him, even though her heart told her in every way - through her dreams, through her doubts - that it was wrong.  
  
And, even if her heart knew the truth, Zan's did not. Zan loves her, and his heart has nothing to do with Max, or with Beth. She cannot control the way he feels and she knows how he feels. It has not changed. And, so, the worst thing of all is that, whether she ends up with Max or not, she is going to break Zan's heart - and there is absolutely nothing she can do to stop it. 


	9. Chapter 9

Part 9  
  
When he is allowed to sleep, he dreams of her.  
  
He has always dreamt of her, since the first day he laid eyes on her when they were children. Those dreams - of touching her soft hair; of meeting her eyes across a room and knowing that she is feeling for him everything that he feels for her; of kissing her, not once, but whenever he wants to; of falling asleep with her delicate body wrapped in his arms, feeling her heart beating steadily in time with his own; of letting her see exactly who he is, and her accepting it, and loving him anyway - came true. For several shining weeks, he lived a dream, until the day it all became a nightmare.  
  
Until Pierce.  
  
He would give almost anything to have those dreams back. He can not regret leaving the dreams behind when he did, can not deny that the living of them was much sweeter than the dreaming, but he would love to lose himself again in their comfort and hope.  
  
His dreams of her now are not comforting. He cannot believe it - that any dream of her could make him more miserable - but it is what is. He can no longer live in fantasy, in "what-if." Because "what-if" has been, and it destroyed her. He is faced with this cold, hard truth every day. Because, when he is allowed to sleep, she haunts him.  
  
He knows that he deserves it. That living the dream was what killed her. But he hates that dreams of her now force him awake in a cold sweat, his heart thudding, the harsh reality of the torture he will face in the day more welcome than a night on the dream plain with her.  
  
Now, in the dreams, he is forced to witness every horrible way he has imagined her death. Pierce's version of it - the car accident that goes unexplained - is a common nightmare, but it is not the most terrible. His own mind comes up with far worse scenarios on its own. As though unsatisfied with the punishment that Pierce and his minions inflict on his body, his mind tortures him every night. No matter what they do, they can not torment him more than he torments himself.  
  
In the two years since disaster befell them, he has refused to forgive himself. He could have ended his own life many months ago, but he will not allow himself that solace. He will not allow himself the joy of being with her again, even if only in death.  
  
He continues to live because he deserves to suffer. And, so, suffer he does.  
  
In the dreams, always, he is on the verge of saving her, but, always, he fails. And, always, she blames him for it.  
  
Tonight is no different.  
  
He is on the dream plain, with Liz. She is standing on the ledge, gazing at the tumultuous river below. He is standing below her, on the bridge, staring down, unable to climb up to join her.  
  
She glances at him. "What? Are you afraid?" She sounds disdainful. "Don't you love me enough?"  
  
"I love you," he tells her desperately. "Please come down." He reaches up to grab her, but his arms go right through her, as though she is already a ghost.  
  
Her dark eyes meet his. A flame flickers in their depths, something new, something he does not recognize. "Will you burn for me when I'm gone?" she asks, her tone suddenly kind.  
  
"Liz, please!" He does not understand, does not know what to say to make her stay. Because, somehow, he knows that tonight is good-bye. That if he lets her slip away this time, he will never see her again.  
  
"Burn for me, Max."  
  
With those final words, she turns and jumps off the bridge. He tries to climb up, tries to follow her, but he is held back by something unseen, by some fear that he cannot name.  
  
All he can do is stare down at the river - at the raging river - and know that she is gone.  
  
When he wakes, he knows that the haunting is over. That, after two years, she has finally, truly left him all alone.  
  
Because, in the end, he would rather that she hate him in his dreams, than leave him altogether.  
  
He does not dream of her again. At night, she is gone.  
  
But, in the day, he burns for her.  
  
***  
  
"Why did you bring her tonight?"  
  
Zan focuses on Tess. Ava's original has become curious because of Lonnie's lament that he never should have taken Beth to the concert.  
  
He shrugs. "She loves her music. She hasn't been feeling well lately. I hoped it would cheer her up." He cannot admit that it was a test, that he hoped to lay his fears to rest once and for all. Because saying it aloud would mean admitting it to them - that he suspected that he was not the one she dreamed of, that she did not belong with him.  
  
"It was more than that," Michael snaps. "You were trying to get her out of there when we found you. You knew somehow that, when we saw her on that screen, we'd recognize her."  
  
"I didn't even know you were there," Zan replies lamely. He does not dispute that he was trying to leave with her though. Because what is the point? It is obvious.  
  
"I'm even more curious as to why you told him not to take her," Michael continues, ignoring Zan altogether. He addresses this to Lonnie. "You knew, too, didn't you?"  
  
Zan starts, stares at his sister. He did not think about Lonnie's warning, but now that Michael says it, he realizes that her concern might have indeed been about more than Beth's strange mood lately. His sister does not meet his eyes.  
  
"She's been sick," Lonnie replies evenly. "I was worried."  
  
Zan eyes her, a bad feeling taking hold in his gut. "Lonnie..."  
  
Michael interrupts again. "You've dreamwalked her, haven't you? You've known who she was all along."  
  
There is a long moment of silence. Zan watches his sister's face whiten. She backs up, her eyes wide. "No."  
  
"No, you haven't dreamwalked her, or, no, you didn't know who she was?" Michael demands. He advances on Lonnie threateningly.  
  
"Hey, buddy! Back off!" Rath finally steps forward, shoves Michael roughly. Zan is frozen, cannot move to help his sister, who is caught between them.  
  
"Stop it!" Tess shrieks, thrusting her way into the group. "This isn't helping anything!" She grabs her Rath by the shirt and shakes him, not hard, because she is small, but enough to fight her way through the general's rage.  
  
Kyle has grabbed Rath, and is trying to hold him back, but Rath is having none of it. He is still yelling. "You ass! Why's the hell are you even here? Go back to that shit-hole planet we come from and leave us alone! Beth belongs with us!"  
  
"She doesn't," Zan says quietly, but Rath hears him. He freezes in his tracks, gapes at Zan. Zan feels the usual affection for his loyal, hot- headed brother. He continues gently, "She belongs with him." He glances at Lonnie for a long moment. She starts to tremble under his accusing gaze. "And you've known it all along, haven't you? She trusted you."  
  
"Lonnie!" Ava gasps.  
  
"I didn't see anything!" Lonnie exclaims defensively. "All I saw was you, Zan. That's all. All I ever saw was you!"  
  
"You saw him," Zan replies. "And you knew it, didn't you? That's why you told me not to go."  
  
Lonnie presses her lips together, swallows convulsively. "I don't know what the hell I saw! I thought it was you!" she repeats mutinously.  
  
"Lonnie..." He is losing patience with her. He does not know what he will do to make her admit the truth, but he knows that they must have it.  
  
She senses his resolve, and wilts. "She called you Max in the dreams," she whispers. She steps forward, her hands outstretched, pleading. "Zan, I was trying to protect you."  
  
Because he knows it, now that she has admitted it, he can no longer feel angry. All he feels is empty, to have it confirmed.  
  
She has never dreamt of him.  
  
"I know," he says, willing to comfort his sister, even though he will never find solace himself.  
  
It has all been a lie, every last bit of it, but he cannot blame Beth. She is innocent, could not know that she was allowing herself to love the wrong person. She has no memory of before. Yet, all along, they have both known that something was wrong.  
  
Her connection to him - to the other - is deep. So deep that, even living with his double, she knew something was amiss. When she was distant, when she pulled away, her heart was trying to warn her that she was making a mistake.  
  
His poor, loving Beth.  
  
Silence has fallen, as the others absorb what has been revealed. But the quiet is broken by the ringing of a cell phone. Zan blinks, glances at his sister. Lonnie is the only one who owns one. He wonders if it is Beth. But she would call the land-line, not his sister's cellular phone. If she wanted to talk to him. Which he is sure she does not.  
  
Everyone else is looking at Kyle, who fumbles in his pocket, pulling out a small phone. He glances at the call display, then frowns. "It's my dad," he tells Tess and Michael. "What do I tell him?"  
  
Zan looks at Michael, who grimaces. "Crap. I don't know! Just see what he wants, then decide."  
  
Kyle rolls his eyes, aggrieved, but he answers the phone, trying to sound casual. Trying to sound like all of their worlds have not completely changed in one evening. "Hey, Dad." The two originals wait tensely.  
  
Zan looks at Tess, not understanding why this is a big deal. "Kyle's dad is the sheriff in Roswell. He was really involved in the investigation into Max and Liz's deaths," she explains quietly.  
  
Zan feels his heart start to beat more quickly. He wonders at it. It is just a phone call. There is no way for this sheriff to know that Beth has been found. And, even if he does, no one here has committed a crime. He and Lonnie have suspected the truth, but they did not know. They have not kept Beth with them against her will.  
  
The silence is tense. Kyle has not spoken since his original greeting. Zan watches his eyes widen as he listens. Finally, Kyle speaks, but all he says is, "Holy shit. She was right."  
  
His father obviously asks, "Who was right," because after a pause Kyle says, "Liz. Dad, she's alive, too."  
  
"Too?" Michael demands. "Too?"  
  
"Dad, Michael's right here. Talk to him," Kyle says, when it seems that Michael might just rip the phone out of Kyle's hands anyway.  
  
"Sheriff, what's going on?" Michael barks impatiently. Zan frowns, beginning to recognize Michael's ferocity as the same defense Rath uses. Michael is frightened. Zan watches him tense even more as he listens. He then glances at Zan, and turns away, starting to speak in a low tone, urgently.  
  
But Zan does not need to listen any longer. Kyle's blue eyes are looking at him strangely, and Zan suspects that the other man is eager to tell him what is going on. That this phone call affects Zan, and Kyle is not trying to hide his satisfaction. Zan senses that Kyle is not a vengeful person, but that he does not like Zan, nor does he trust him. Zan can not blame him for any of it.  
  
"What is it?" Zan asks patiently, ready for the bomb that he knows is about to drop.  
  
"My dad got a phone call last night. It's taken him a day to figure out what to do about it, but he finally decided tonight that he only has one choice, and he needs all of us in on it."  
  
Zan does not speak, just continues to wait, knowing that Kyle is nowhere near finished.  
  
"Liz was right. Max Evans is alive. And my father needs us to help him find him to convince him to come home."  
  
"Why doesn't he want to come home?" Ava asks, sounding scared. Zan does not look at her though. Instead, he closes his eyes, and continues to wait.  
  
"Because he has spent the last five years being tortured by the Special Unit of the FBI," Kyle replies grimly. "But now he's escaped, and he thinks if he comes home, then those bastards will come after us."  
  
"Is he right?" Ava's voice is trembling. Because, after all, this is their worst nightmare. Before he left, Langley's most strident command was that they must stay away from the FBI at all costs. Because Langley knew exactly what the FBI would do to them, if they were caught. Langley had lived it.  
  
"He's right," Michael answers for Kyle. He has now finished talking to the sheriff, and has hung up. "But I don't give a shit. My brother has been alone for five years. That ends - now."  
  
Zan meets Michael's eyes, and knows what the other man is thinking. And you are not going to do anything to keep him away from the only person he really needs.  
  
"God, Michael! The sheriff was so sure he was dead!" Tess exclaims. Her expression is a mixture of joy and sorrow. "Five years with Pierce! If we'd known..." She trails off, tears spilling from her blue eyes. "Michael, we stopped looking!"  
  
Zan watches as Kyle moves to comfort her, then closes his eyes again, wondering if the pain of it will ever stop, for any of them.  
  
Because, in spite of Michael's bravado, Zan understands his original's fear. Now that he is aware of Max again, now that Beth is no longer blocking the bond that exists between them, Zan knows exactly what Max has survived. He also knows exactly how much Max is willing to give up to make sure that the people he loves never live through what he has.  
  
He is willing to give up those he loves to save them. Zan senses that Max would even be willing to give up Beth, if he knew that she was alive. If Max knew that he would be putting her in danger, by allowing himself to be found, Zan knows that his original would manage to stay hidden forever.  
  
Because, they are the same, and Zan knows that it is exactly what he would do.  
  
And, to Zan's eternal shame, for the first time since Beth's nightmares returned, he feels hope. 


	10. Chapter 10

Part 10  
  
The first meeting with Rath and Lonnie does not go well. Zan does not beat around the bush, informing them up-front that he has told Beth the truth. They are cold, and Zan is guilty - but not sorry - and Beth wonders why all of it feels so familiar. Since her memory loss, deja vu is not uncommon. But the scowl on Rath's face as he storms out of the apartment, and the pinched expression Lonnie exhibits before retreating to her bedroom, are so unsurprising, she wonders if they have made appearances in her dreams of Zan. She does not remember Rath or Lonnie, but she does not recall clear details of all her dreams either, so it is possible that they have been there.  
  
It is not that she does not understand their reaction. They have spent their entire lives hiding their secret, and, in one evening, by healing her, Zan has changed it all. They do not know that they can trust her. They do not know that after Zan told her the truth, all she felt was a rush of protectiveness toward him that she still can not explain. Because Zan seems like the last person on Earth who needs protecting. He is capable, and strong, and open, and she trusts him implicitly. Just as he has trusted her. She is not entirely certain why he has chosen to share himself with her, but she will not betray him. She will not betray any of them. Because, to her, the alien factor is a mere detail.  
  
But, they do not know this. Not yet. She does not blame them for not understanding. She knows that, to anyone else, the truth about Zan would be frightening, would change the way they look at the universe. But, to her, it is truly no more strange than the fact that she once lived a life of which she has no recollection.  
  
"Maybe I should go," Beth suggests. Ava is still curled up on the couch, and she is watching Zan anxiously, as though she wants to follow either Lonnie or Rath, but feels like she needs Zan's permission first. She does not seem angry, but is resigned.  
  
"No," Zan says firmly. "It will be all right. They'll come around."  
  
And, eventually, they do.  
  
With Lonnie, it is sudden. One day she accompanies Zan to Beth's apartment, and she is talkative and friendly. Beth glances at Zan in bemusement. He just rolls his eyes and grins.  
  
Rath takes more time. He barely seems to notice Beth's presence when he is in her company, as though ignoring her will make her disappear. But, slowly, she starts to notice small things. First, he turns up the radio when a song she likes comes on the air. Then she finds an empty notebook in her bag, after she has told Zan that she needs a new journal. She thanks first Zan, and then Ava, and then Lonnie, and they all deny surprising her. She does not mention it to Rath, but returns the favour by starting to leave CDs or books she thinks he will like on his bed. For most of the first year, their entire relationship is covert, unacknowledged, until he starts to speak to her as he speaks to the others, as though she has always been there.  
  
Ava is accepting from the first. She is a cheerful girl, much different from the waif Beth first encountered in the bus station. Beth understands from the beginning that Ava does not consider Zan to be her brother, but she never seems to mind Beth's place in his life. She truly seems content that he is happy.  
  
And he is happy. They both are. Things move quickly between them. Beth understands why. They have both been lonely. Beth does not know who she is, and Zan has not been able to let others see who he really is, until her. But she does not allow things to truly progress until his family accepts her. Because, even though she knows he will not let Lonnie, or Rath, or Ava stop them, she refuses to come between him and his family.  
  
One night he reveals to Beth that, although he has Lonnie, and Rath, and Ava, he has always felt like he was waiting for someone else - that his life was not yet complete. She tells him that she understands, because she has been waiting for him, too. That her dreams have been preparing her for his arrival in her life. That, with him, for the first time since she lost her memory, she feels perfectly safe.  
  
Later that same evening, they make love for the first time. She does not know if she has done this before, but whether or not she has, in every way that counts, she is untouched. She does not remember. She knows that he is not inexperienced, and she finds that she is nervous, but he is all that is gentle and loving.  
  
After, at first, she feels close to him. But, as she lays with her head on his chest, her eyes closed, she feels tears well. She opens her eyes, and instinctively, runs her finger-tips down his bare arm.  
  
A vision momentarily blinds her. It is of the two of them, and she is trailing her fingers down his bare chest, her heart pounding as a pathway of light burnishes where she has touched.  
  
She blinks, then frowns. She wonders if the illusion is a dream she has forgotten. But, she senses that it is more than that. Something is wrong. Something that was supposed to exist between them is not there. She fears hurting him, but she knows that she is tensing, and, so, she shifts onto her side, pulling the sheet more tightly around her body.  
  
He is stroking her hair lightly, but does not resist when she pulls away. She cannot look at him, does not want him to see her confusion, so she buries her face in her pillow. She cries herself silently to sleep.  
  
When she awakens, she is still empty inside. She knows he is gone. Pulling on her robe, she shuffles to the window, feeling as though she has aged fifty years over night. She is surprised to find him sitting on the fire escape, smoking a cigarette, which he has never before done in her presence. For the first time since they've met again, she does not know what to say to him. He, as always, seems to understand, so he shoulders the burden.  
  
"It was your first time," he says gently.  
  
"I guess it was," she replies.  
  
"It's okay to be emotional."  
  
She feels angry, instead of comforted. She knows that it is irrational, but she snaps, "Well, I'm glad you think it's okay."  
  
He gazes at her steadily, until she closes her eyes to evade his penetrating stare. For the first time, she does not like that it sometimes seems that he can see right through her. Because, this time, she is absolutely certain that he is seeing the wrong thing.  
  
It is not the first time that she feels the wrongness of Zan. But it is the first time that she remembers it later.  
  
***  
  
She awakens to sunlight streaming in her face. Sitting up, Beth shades her eyes, gazing around the strange hotel room in confusion. Where is she? Where is Max?  
  
The thought of Max brings everything rushing back. Because, already, the first thought of the morning has gone from "Where is Zan?" to "Where is Max?" She still does not remember him, but her heart has already made the change. She wonders if her poor, scarred mind is rejoicing at the release of the burden of hiding Max for so long.  
  
She feels guilty. She knows it is wrong to love two people at the same time, particularly when she cannot even remember one of them, but she cannot fight what is. All she can do is accept and hope that, once Max is found, her heart will lead her to the right decision.  
  
Finding Max is the first priority. She wonders why Isabel did not wake her after the dreamwalk, because Beth has clearly been allowed to sleep through the night. It is strange. She feels her heart start to pound. What if Max's sister saw something in her mind that made her so angry, she could not bear to face Beth again?  
  
Looking around, Beth takes in the state of the room. The bed beside her is rumpled. Frowning, she picks up the pillow and recognizes the scent of Maria's perfume. She shakes her head in wonder that her best friend from "before" spent the night next to her, and she slept right through it. Isabel's bed is still made, although the impression of the blonde woman's body is visible.  
  
Moments later, Beth is out in the sitting room area of Maria's suite. They are all there, waiting, although they are trying to mask that this is what they are doing. Michael is watching the sports highlights; Maria, Alex, and Isabel are eating bagels and croissants at the table near the window; Tess is at the mirror near the door, braiding her hair; and Kyle is on the phone.  
  
"Liz, you're up!" Maria exclaims, after catching sight of her. She jumps to her feet, hurrying over and giving Beth a hug.  
  
"What time is it?" Beth demands, pulling away.  
  
"It's ten," Maria replies.  
  
"What! Why didn't you wake me up?"  
  
She watches Maria glance over her shoulder at Isabel. Max's sister takes her cue. She is not looking at Beth. "The dreamwalk didn't work, Liz. I tried to wake you, but you were totally gone. We decided to just let you sleep. You had a tough day yesterday."  
  
Beth ignores the last part, stares at her. "What do you mean, 'it didn't work?'" she asks, her heart falling.  
  
"Nothing happened," Isabel explains. "I saw you" She swallows visibly, keeping her eyes averted. "But I couldn't find Max."  
  
Beth wonders what Max's sister saw that was so horrible, she cannot meet her eyes. "Tell me, please! What did you see?"  
  
Isabel finally raises her gaze. "Liz, he is alive. But he's completely shut himself off. I couldn't get in, even through you, and with the connection that exists between you, I should have been able to." Her dark eyes are shining with tears. "He's obviously been shutting us all out for years. I don't know how he became so strong, but it's why...it's..." She drops her face into her hands. Alex moves to comfort her.  
  
"It's why we finally accepted that Max was dead," Michael finishes roughly. "Iz couldn't find him on the dream plain anymore. But now we know that he just made sure we couldn't."  
  
"Why?" Beth demands. "Why would he do that?"  
  
"To protect us," Michael replies simply.  
  
"He knew we'd never stop looking if we thought there was even a chance that he was still alive," Tess explains quietly.  
  
"Well, we have to keep trying," Beth insists. "Now that we know what he's doing, there's got to be some way around it." She bites her lip, thinking hard. "I know! I'll ask Zan!"  
  
She says it without thinking, and a stony silence falls over the group. She sighs. "Listen, I know you're all not his biggest fans, but in some ways, he and Max are the same. He's got to know what Max is doing, and he's got to know a way through it."  
  
"You'd really ask him to do that?" Tess asks, incredulous.  
  
"He'll help," Beth replies. "What's between us...I can't explain it. It's all so complicated now. But he won't take what's going on between us out on Max. I know he won't. He's not like that."  
  
"I don't buy it," Michael tells her firmly. "That guy knew deep down who you were. We know for a fact that his sister definitely did..."  
  
"What?" Beth interrupts. "What do you mean?"  
  
Isabel, having mostly regained her composure, shoots Michael an exasperated look, and then says, "You just explained it to yourself, Liz, when you said that Zan and Max are the same. I told you last night what I did when Max first brought you into our secret."  
  
Beth stares at her. "Lonnie?" She feels slightly ill, but she realizes that she cannot fault Lonnie for the betrayal. She did what she thought she had to do. And, in the end, wasn't Beth proving Zan's sister right? She was, in many ways, betraying Zan simply by being in this room.  
  
"Lonnie," Isabel confirms. "She admitted it last night."  
  
"What time did you get back?" Beth asks Michael, realizing that she does not know what happened between Zan, his siblings, and the Roswell group who accompanied them back to their apartment.  
  
"Around one," Michael replies. "After Kyle got the phone call from his dad. That's how we found out that Maxwell is definitely alive."  
  
Beth stares at him, perplexed. "What do you mean?"  
  
Kyle explains, "Max called my dad. Two days ago now."  
  
"Why did he do that?" Beth asks, realizing that the relationships existing between these people are far more complicated than she ever imagined. She decides that it is time to find out exactly what they all meant to each other, because it doesn't seem that it will interfere with finding Max any longer. He will not allow them to locate him on the dream plain anyway.  
  
"It's a long story," Kyle replies, sighing. "You better sit down."  
  
Beth allows Maria to push her into the sofa nearby. The entire group looks at Alex, who does not seem surprised that they expect him to tell the story. He looks momentarily taken aback, but eventually begins readily enough. He pulls his chair forward, taking Beth's hand in his own.  
  
"Isabel told me that you and she had a conversation about connecting last night," Alex starts. His cheeks are turning slightly red. "She also told me that she explained to you how that comes about between a human and a Czech."  
  
"A what?" Beth interjects, staring at him, completely bewildered by why he is talking about sex, when he should be telling her about the past. And, so, she addresses the most inane thing of all.  
  
"Oh, Czech! It's a joke now," Maria explains quickly. "But we still say it all the time without thinking. It was the code word you and I came up with a long time ago, so that we could talk about aliens in public."  
  
Beth just nods her head, as though she understands. Now that she is about to find out exactly who she is, she wonders if she is truly ready. Glancing around the group, she realizes that they all know more about her than she does. She had relationships with them all. They shared jokes. They are not strangers exactly, have never felt that way to her, but in so many ways they are. Being told everything will not change that. She will be informed, but she will not remember any of it. It saddens her.  
  
She wants to know. She needs to know.  
  
"Okay," Beth says. She looks back at Alex. "You were talking about the connection? About how you have to be committed to a Czech," she glances at Maria, smiling slightly, "for it to happen?"  
  
"Yeah." He grimaces. "The reason I'm mentioning it at all, Liz, is that you have to understand that things have always been different with you and Max. That's not how you two first became connected...through that kind of commitment. I just thought I should clear that up before I got started."  
  
The truth, when he tells it, is more difficult than she imagined. It is not surprising, it is not horrible, but it is not comforting either.  
  
Because, with every word, the suspicion that she has betrayed her own soul for the past three years, becomes a certainty. 


	11. Chapter 11

Part 11  
  
After he loses her in his dreams, he begins to play the old game of "what- if" during his many sleepless nights . He knows that all his "what-ifs" are just fantasies, daydreams in the dark. But during the long periods of solitude - when Pierce bores of him, or is preoccupied by something else, and leaves him in peace for days at a time - he indulges himself.  
  
"What-if" she lives? "What-if" their connection has been severed because she thinks he is dead? "What-if" she is out there alone, missing the flame of his presence in her soul, just as he misses hers now?  
  
"What-if" she is out there, alive, and not alone? "What-if" she has moved on without him?  
  
Some of the "what-ifs" have easy answers. If she is alive, he is overjoyed. If she thinks he is dead, he is glad, because he does not want her to suffer the worry of knowing that he lives on in this horrible place. If she misses him, he regrets it, knowing that he is undeserving.  
  
What he feels when he reflects on "what-if she is out there, alive, and not alone" is more complicated, and it takes him many days to decide that, were it true, he would be relieved. He would be happy. Because, he loves her enough - loved her enough he reminds himself, when he is getting too comfortable with the fantasy that she might truly be alive somewhere - to not wish a moment's sorrow upon her.  
  
He remembers with agony the two times he made her cry.  
  
The first was when he told her that he needed to take a step back, that they were moving too quickly, that being with him was too dangerous for her. Her tears were resigned then, but her determination was not quenched for long. The flame continued to burn between them and roared to life again within weeks, because he had been unable to resist her. She was his dream come true. He was young and foolish, then, and if she wanted to be with him, then who was he to say no? He loved her. There had been too many years of "what-ifs" to deny, too many dreams to live, for those few happy weeks before Tess.  
  
The confusion over Tess marked the second time. He recalls the loss of control those days heralded, how Liz's faith in him wavered only briefly, before it strengthened again, burning on loyally throughout that awful time.  
  
He remembers that she almost cried the last night he saw her. He remembers the tears in her voice when she stroked his neck briefly, lovingly, her fear and pain and anger over what Pierce did to him making her emotional. But his strong Liz did not fail him, even then. She died for him that night. And he can never forgive himself for it.  
  
He can not bear the thought of even one more tear being shed for him. Not from those dark eyes he loved so well.  
  
If she is alive, out there, not alone, and smiling, then there is still a God out there, too, somewhere, in spite of all evidence to the contrary.  
  
***  
  
The others remain in the main area of the suite, waiting for Kyle's father. He is arriving any minute, having taken the first plane from Roswell that morning. They are uncertain if he knows where Max is, but the chances are good. Kyle says that his father will have traced the call. Sheriff Valenti has spent too many sleepless nights since Max and Liz's loss to not have done so. He has struggled with Max's request to forget him, but he knows what is right. He is determined to bring Max home.  
  
They are all determined to bring Max home, Beth most of all, now that she knows exactly who he was to her, how much he meant to her, and that he saved her life.  
  
She will save him now.  
  
She knows this, but it is still overwhelming. Because of that, Beth is sitting on the bed she slept in, staring at the wall. The entire story of who she was before, how she and Max first connected, and exactly how much she has lost over the past years, is now told. She needs a few moments alone to collect herself, and they all seem to understand. They have been kind and patient with her over the past twenty-four hours, as she adjusts to the strangeness of it all, and she is grateful for it. She understands easily why these were her closest friends, even if she still cannot remember.  
  
That she cannot remember makes her angry. She has never felt so frustrated by her lack of memory, even in the first days after it disappeared. She feels that if she could only remember, she would know exactly what is troubling her. She suspects that she would be able to find Max with no problem, and that she would even be able to figure out exactly why Zan was drawn to her from the first moment he laid eyes on her three years before.  
  
She is not stupid. She understands that there is a reason that Zan and Ava found her in the bus station that day. She only wishes she knew what it was. She does not understand how fate could be so cruel as to put her in a position where she is going to break the heart of someone she loves. Because there is no avoiding it, and it is not fair.  
  
Beth glances at the clock. It is close to noon. She knows that she must call Zan soon. In spite of everything, she is being unfair to him. She realizes now that she cannot continue to ignore him until Max is found. She cannot make him suffer uncertainty on top of everything else.  
  
She presses her lips together, then closes her eyes, taking a deep breath. Her stomach is clenched with dread. She cannot remember a single instance in three years where she has not looked forward to talking to Zan. She hates it, but understands that it is what is going to be from now on. She must learn to accept it.  
  
Her entire life for the past five years has been about accepting things that she cannot change. She can do this, too.  
  
She moves around the bed, picking up the phone there, and dialing out. Moments later, her own voice on the answering machine sounds in her ear. Beth sighs, but leaves a message for Zan to come see her at the hotel. She hangs up, and tries Lonnie's cell phone.  
  
"Yeah?" Lonnie picks up after the third ring. She sounds out of breath, and not a little harassed. "Just a sec," she continues. "Rath, turn that racket down!" she screams. There is loud music pounding in the background.  
  
Beth reflects in amazement at the normalcy of it all. Is it a just a regular day to them? Will they not miss her at all? She realizes that, if this is true, it is a good thing.  
  
Deep down, she knows that it is not true. They are all playing a game that nothing has changed. But, everything has. It will never be the same again.  
  
"It's me," Beth says quietly. She is unsure what to say to Lonnie. While she understands why Lonnie dreamwalked her - that it was the price she had to pay for her friend's acceptance - she still feels hurt, and not a little betrayed.  
  
But, in the end, maybe it makes them even. Lonnie betrayed her, but Lonnie also knows that Beth is going to betray her brother. She has always known it, and she accepted her anyway.  
  
There is no innocence on either side. And, perhaps, because of it, they can stay friends. For now anyway.  
  
There is a long pause. "Hi," Lonnie says now, sounding careful. "Are you okay?"  
  
"Yes," Beth replies. "I'm still at the hotel." There is another long silence. Beth wonders if she should say something to Lonnie about what she knows, senses that Lonnie is considering broaching the subject too, probably aware that the Roswellians have told her the truth. Finally, though, Beth simply continues, "Is Zan with you?"  
  
"No," Lonnie sounds relieved, as though Beth's silence, on the matter they are both thinking about, means that she is forgiven. Beth knows that it does. Because she has no right to judge anyone. Not with what she knows that she is going to do.  
  
"Isn't he there?" Lonnie asks. "He said he was coming to see you."  
  
"He's not here." Beth frowns. "I guess I'll just wait for him then. If he calls you, tell him I'm looking for him."  
  
"Okay," Lonnie agrees. "Beth, do you want us over there?" she asks tentatively.  
  
Beth cannot tell if Lonnie wants her to answer yes or no. So, she says, "Do you want to come?"  
  
Lonnie is good at this game. "If you want us to."  
  
Beth sighs. "Maybe later. I need to talk to Zan first."  
  
"Did you have any luck finding him?" Lonnie asks, her voice low, as though she doesn't want Rath to overhear. Beth knows that she means Max, wonders why Lonnie even cares. Maybe she thinks that if Max is never found, things can just go back to normal. That they can pretend that none of this ever happened.  
  
"No," Beth replies curtly. They cannot go back.  
  
"Okay, well, call if you need anything," Lonnie replies. "We'll be here."  
  
Beth feels a moment's affection for the other woman. She understands that Lonnie does not mean just in their apartment. She means that Lonnie, and Rath, and Ava, will be there for her no matter what she decides.  
  
It only increases her guilt. Because Beth is almost certain that there will come a time when she is going to have to make a choice of friends as well. This isn't just about Max and Zan. This is about all of them.  
  
There are two of each of them. But there is only one Beth. She is only one person and she cannot be divided in two. She is not an alien. She is only a girl and she is undeserving of all this love and support.  
  
Because, even without her memory, she knows which choice she is going to make. Even without having laid eyes on Max, she now understands why she never felt entirely comfortable with Zan. He was wrong. They were all wrong. She loves them, but they are not hers. She cannot take them back with her. She knows this deep inside, it makes her feel guilty, but she does not belong with them. They are not the past, and, she somehow understands that, they are also not the future.  
  
She is Liz Parker, not Beth, and, she will always be Beth with them. She no longer wants to be Beth. She wants to be Liz. She does not remember Liz, but Liz is more comfortable in a day, then Beth is after five years.  
  
Roswell came first. Max came first. She has made her choice, she feels the guilt of it, but she cannot regret it.  
  
For the first time in five years, she knows exactly what is right. She no longer needs to use instinct. Instinct has not failed her in five years, but it is no longer necessary. The truth of what she must do burns within her, a flame she suspects is the connection to Max reestablishing itself as her heart turns back to him. Even if her head doesn't remember, her heart does.  
  
She is surprised that knowing what is right does not reassure her, that it does not make her happy. Whenever she felt the "wrongness" before, she was always sure that to know what was truly right would be liberating. That it would be empowering.  
  
It is not.  
  
She finds that knowing what is right does not mean that she does not ache for what is wrong. 


	12. Chapter 12

Part 12  
  
Zan moves in with her shortly after they first make love. The strangeness of the morning after quickly evaporates, but only because Beth decides to ignore it.  
  
But she never quite forgets.  
  
Zan goes along with it, making Beth question whether he ever felt that there was anything wrong at all. She is relieved because for the first time since the river there is no instinct to guide her. She does not understand the wrongness, so she will not talk about it. There is no reason to discuss something that neither of them will acknowledge, and so they just move on.  
  
In time, they are closer than ever - a real couple. They make each other happy. It is a good relationship. They both feel that they were meant to find each other; that they both felt the same sense of waiting until they were in each other's life; that there is a reason that they are together.  
  
It is only after almost two more years, when the dreams she once had of him return, that she understands that it is not necessarily a goodreason. Because she now recognizes the dreams for what they really are - fearful nightmares of what might be.  
  
She begins to wonder if the reason they have found each other is because she is meant to destroy him. But how can she possibly destroy someone she loves so much? She refuses to accept that this might be true.  
  
She ignores the nightmares at first, pushes them away, lives in the day. But she learns to dread the night. She tells him the truth about the dreams, because she often wakes gasping in his arms. She is afraid all the time. Certainly not of him, or that she will lose him. She knows that he will not reject her. It is not in him to do so.  
  
No, she is afraid for him. She is afraid what having her in his life will do to him.  
  
She also knows that it is not in her to leave him.  
  
She does not want the nightmares to come true. If she leaves him, they will not. But she is a coward. She cannot face the world alone. She has lived that, and she cannot go back. Not yet. Maybe never.  
  
She knows that it is wrong that she does not love him enough to do what is best for him. She is selfish, though. She cannot give him up. She knows that they have found each other for a reason. She cannot leave him until she knows what it is. In spite of everything, she feels that it is not entirely about what she envisions in her nightmares.  
  
She is right.  
  
It is only later - much later, after all that was meant to be has been - that she understands that they did find each other for a reason, but that it was not about her at all. That she is not the one destined to destroy him.  
  
No, in the end, it is not about her, but she plays a part.  
  
Because, in the end, for her, he chooses to destroy himself.  
  
***  
  
Zan is on his way across the lobby of the hotel, when he becomes aware of a man standing near the elevators. He is an unremarkable middle-aged man, casually dressed, with sandy blond hair, craggy skin, and a capable air about him. He does not look at all dangerous.  
  
Zan feels a shiver descend his spine anyway. Somehow he is already aware that the next few minutes are going to completely change everything.  
  
The man is quite openly staring at him, his mouth hanging slightly ajar. He looks as though he has seen a ghost. Zan sighs, already understanding why.  
  
The man composes himself and moves forward. "You changed your mind," he says. "You heard about Liz."  
  
"I'm not who you think I am," Zan replies quietly, aware that the man is going to be disappointed. Zan remembers Tess's explanation about this man, Kyle's father, who blames himself for what happened to his original. "I'm not Max Evans."  
  
Jim Valenti's eyes widen. "Good God. You're Zan. Kyle wasn't exaggerating, was he?"  
  
"I guess not." Zan shrugs. He feels weary. He is tired already of being mistaken for his original. He knows that he will never live up to what they all remember Max Evans to be. What Zan knows Max still is. Because he has felt him, and he knows why his original stays away. And, even without the bond that exists between them, he would know it anyway. Max has told this very man exactly why he will not return. It is to protect those he loves.  
  
And, yet, this man standing before him has flown across the country to make sure that Max comes home anyway. They miss him enough that they are willing to take the risk of having him back, rather than do without him any longer.  
  
But Max will never agree. Zan knows it. He feels it.  
  
He has spent the night embracing the connection he now acknowledges to that other him. It has existed for years, but he is finally accepting it, opening himself to it.  
  
He is finally accepting it because there is no choice. He has spent three years refusing to accept what is truth. What he should have known from the night he healed Beth without any sort of connection. What he should have understood from the moment they first made love, and she remained closed off from him. He and Max are connected in a way beyond what Lonnie, and Ava, and Rath feel for their originals.  
  
It is because Beth is the link between them. Zan does not quite understand how it is so, but he knows that it is true. They have both chosen her and, because of it, their connection is stronger than it was ever meant to be.  
  
Zan wonders if Max feels him, too. He wonders if Max knows that Beth has not been alone these past years. He wonders if his original hates him as much as Zan hates Max.  
  
He hates him for having found Beth first, hates him for being the king Langley really wanted. Zan hates him because he knows that he is weaker than Max, that he is unable to give up Beth without a fight. Zan knows that he would not have survived five years in captivity. He hates that Max did, and he does not understand how it was possible. Thinking Beth was dead, as the sheriff told Kyle was true, should have made Max realize that there was nothing left to live for.  
  
Zan's original lived. He lives. He lives, he is staying away, but he is still coming between Zan and Beth, and Zan hates him for it.  
  
Zan hates that he loves Max for it. That he admires him, and that he knows that Max deserves to come home.  
  
He hates that he knows that whatever hope he had that Beth might choose him is fruitless. Because Max staying away will only make those who love him more determined to bring him back, out of his solitary hell.  
  
Zan knows that Max is living in hell. He knows that he cannot bear feeling it for the rest of his life. Even if he does win Beth in the end, Zan will always feel Max, and know that he has won his life only because another was stronger.  
  
"It's dangerous for you to be here," the sheriff tells him gruffly. Zan blinks, forcing himself to pay attention to the older man.  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"One of the reasons that Max isn't coming back is because he's scared the FBI is watching his friends. They might mistake you for him," the sheriff tells him. "You're putting yourself in jeopardy by being here."  
  
Zan feels a rush of horror. The sheriff is right. How has this thought never crossed his mind? He is not scared for himself, but he is frightened for his siblings. Until now, the FBI has thought that Max is the only alien, or so Michael told him last night. If the FBI thinks he is Max, and follows him home, they will see Ava, and Lonnie, and Rath. They will know that Tess, and Isabel, and Michael are living in the hotel. They will understand that they are all different. They will all be exposed.  
  
Everything that Max has done, everything he has survived to keep his friends safe, will have been in vain.  
  
The sheriff seems to sense Zan's shocked bewilderment, because he grasps him by the arm and propels him into the elevator. "We'll just go upstairs. It's all right, son. We'll figure this out."  
  
As the elevator climbs to the top floor, Zan begins to feel a mounting dread. If they have been watching Max's friends, the FBI must already be aware that Beth is alive. She is in more danger than anyone, because they must know that she is the one person they can threaten who will bring Max out of hiding. In fact, it is likely that they believe that it is Beth that has caused Max to break out of his prison. Because, after five years, why else would he have done it?  
  
It is a question that Zan has already asked himself. Why now? Why, after five years, has Max Evans finally decided to free himself? Zan senses that his original is unaware that Beth lives. In fact, the sheriff confirmed it to his son on the phone last night. So, why now? He wonders if he will ever meet Max, because it is a question to which he would like an answer.  
  
"Do you know where Max is?" Zan asks the sheriff, because he is beginning to realize that it is only a matter of time until he meets his original face to face.  
  
"I'm sure he suspected I was tracing his call," the sheriff replies evenly. "He's likely gone by now."  
  
"Where was he?"  
  
"Up north," the sheriff tells him. "We'll start there."  
  
Zan is aware that the sheriff is watching him. He does not look back, but stares at the numbers as they climb steadily. The doors of the elevator open a moment later, and Zan steps out.  
  
The sheriff follows. "Zan."  
  
Zan pauses, grimaces before turning around. "Yeah?"  
  
"I've learned my lesson about judging things I don't understand," the sheriff tells him carefully. "Those kids have, too. If you're anything like Max Evans, then I know that you're going to do the right thing."  
  
Zan feels momentarily angry. "You mean give Beth up." He knows that he has no say in the matter, really - that the choice is up to Beth. But it still hurts that they all are so sure about what will happen; who she will end up with. She does not even remember Max Evans!  
  
"That's not what I mean," the sheriff says patiently. Zan stares at him, surprised. "What's between you and Liz is your business. I'm talking about something different. I have a feeling that you know how to help us find Max."  
  
Zan looks down, then shrugs. "Maybe."  
  
"If you know anything, you need to help us," the sheriff tells him firmly. "Max is stubborn. He won't let us find him. We need help."  
  
Zan meets the older man's piercing blue eyes. "What if Max doesn't want to be found? He told you that. I feel it."  
  
"What Max wants, and what he needs, are two completely different things," the sheriff replies grimly. "That young man has been through enough pain to last ten lifetimes. I, for one, will not allow it to continue. If he stays alone, it will. I took an oath to protect people. Even if it's from themselves. Max Evans does not deserve to lose everything. Not forever. Not because of a scumbag like Pierce."  
  
"But isn't Max right? Won't Pierce just come after everyone Max cares about?" Won't he come after everyone I care about? Zan reflects. He is in tune with his original; thinks that, were he in Max's position, he would do the same thing.  
  
"I've had five years to think about how to deal with Pierce," the sheriff tells him. "Don't you worry about him. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it." He eyes Zan, who does not feel reassured. Because who is the sheriff, really? He has not found Max in five years, and he will not be able to deal with Pierce when the time comes.  
  
If Max Evans has not dealt with Pierce, then how can Sheriff Valenti ever hope to?  
  
Zan wonders, why has Max never escaped before now? He has refined his gifts enough that he shut out Isabel's dreamwalks, made them all think he was dead. Why has he not taken care of Pierce?  
  
There can only be one answer. Max chose to stay in captivity. And Zan is even beginning to think that he knows why. It has been confirmed from the phone call to the sheriff that Max still thinks Beth is dead. He blames himself because of it. He is punishing himself. He is doing exactly what Zan would do if he were in his position.  
  
Max Evans needs to know that Beth is alive so that he can take care of Pierce once and for all. But Max will never know unless he is found. And, yet, Zan suspects that Max already does know, if only subconsciously. Because why else would he have chosen now to escape?  
  
He is being drawn to Beth like a moth to a flame, even though he doesn't know it.  
  
"Will you help us?"  
  
Zan looks away, then shrugs again. Because, really, he already knows that the choice has been made. His own conscience has already decided for him.  
  
The connection has already decided for him. His understanding of Max has already decided. His fear for his friends and family, if Pierce is not dealt with, has decided. Max will not take care of Pierce until he knows that Beth is alive. And Max is the only one who can do it.  
  
In that instant, complete understanding floods Zan's mind. He feels his heart start to thud in his chest.  
  
He and Max are the same. Max is not the only one who can do it.  
  
The sheriff seems satisfied that Zan has not rejected his request outright. He strides away, then knocks on the door of the penthouse suite.  
  
Zan stares after him, frozen. He knows that if he steps through that door, he is crossing the point of no return. When he sets eyes on Beth again, the truth will be irrevocably exposed. He will know, before she even speaks, that she has already chosen Max.  
  
He cannot bear it. And, yet, he cannot stand in the way. He has to find Max, because he cannot allow Beth to be unhappy either. Beth has never really known happiness in the three years they have spent together. Zan knows this. Deep down, he has always known it. He was never quite right for her, although she always tried to hide it.  
  
But Zan also does not know if he can just step gracefully aside when Max returns.  
  
Understanding begins to take root. He must do it now. He must make the break.  
  
He cannot see her again.  
  
Which leaves only one option.  
  
Abruptly, Zan returns to the elevator, punching the button to close the door.  
  
As the elevator starts its descent, he closes his eyes, slumping against the back wall. For one moment he allows himself to feel weak.  
  
He misses her already. Which makes him realize that he has finally understood exactly what is supposed to happen here. Because he can not live like this. He knows that it will not get better. He will not get over her. He will not be able to just let her be with someone else - even if it is another him. And he knows already that she will not choose him.  
  
He finally understands exactly what it is that drew him to her, from the first moment he laid eyes on her. He finally understands exactly why he always felt like he was waiting for her.  
  
It was not about her at all. It was decided long ago, on another planet, before he was even created.  
  
He is the second. He is meant to take the king's place. Just not with her.  
  
In the end, he was meant to love her, so that he would change. So that he would be ready.  
  
He was meant to love her so that he would want to do exactly what he is doing.  
  
He was meant to love her so that he would not want to live without her.  
  
He is fortune's fool.  
  
But it is his destiny and he will embrace it. Because, even if he understands that he has been set up, he does not want to live without her.  
  
It is what is.  
  
Zan stares into the mirrored walls of the elevator. He reaches up and runs a hand through his long dark hair. He tilts his head, examines what he has done, wonders if it is right.  
  
It has to be. It is destiny. The wrong hair cannot screw up what is meant to be.  
  
When he steps out of the elevator, Zan's eyes are drawn to the man sitting in the lobby. He wonders how he did not notice him before. The man pretends to be reading a newspaper, but Zan knows that he is not.  
  
As Zan walks over to the man, he remembers when Langley first told them about destiny.  
  
"You are the replacements, the duplicates, the back-ups. You have no destiny unless their destiny is compromised. Only then will you take their place."  
  
He meets the man's eyes, and says firmly, "I'm ready to go back." 


	13. Chapter 13

Part 13  
  
One morning, he wakes up after another dreamless night and knows that this is the day he will escape.  
  
He has sensed for a while that Pierce is tired of him; that he is no longer invested in making Max's life a living hell. He has been prodded, dissected, tortured for even existing. But he has provided Pierce with no real answers. Which means that, soon, if he stays, Max will be dead.  
  
He is not ready to die. He does not deserve the peace that death will provide. This is his first understanding of why he decides to escape.  
  
But, deep inside, there is also another small part of him. Eventually this small part wins out over the part of him that insists he feel guilty. This part truly wants to live, and it is not all about self-blame over what happened to Liz. It is the small part that knows Liz would be angry if she knew that he is punishing himself. This small part also knows that the dreams that used to come - where Liz haunted him and blamed him for her death - were not really of Liz at all.  
  
Liz loved him. Liz would not want him to suffer. Liz died so that he could be saved.  
  
It is then that he truly understands why he feels so much culpability. He has allowed Pierce to keep him for five years, and he has made no attempt to escape. Liz sacrificed her life to make sure that this would never happen. By allowing Pierce to keep him, he has failed her again. It is because of this sudden epiphany, when he stops feeling sorry for himself, that he decides he must flee. He must get away because it is what Liz would want.  
  
He has always known that he is not meant to die in the White Room. He is meant to suffer here. He is meant to be punished. But, now, he senses that he is meant to live. That his time here is done.  
  
Life out there will not be the life he has always wanted. It will not be the life of dreams and "what-ifs," but it will be a life that honours Liz Parker and exactly how much she gave up to make sure he survived.  
  
He will not go home. Home is not safe. It is not safe for anyone if he returns to Roswell. He has always hoped that his other loved ones are living happy lives; that they have moved on. If he returns to them, if this is true, it will stop being so.  
  
He will escape, he will live. He will not let Pierce kill him, which would make Liz's ultimate gift meaningless. He will not allow Pierce to win in that way.  
  
He will live. He will live, but he knows that he will not be happy.  
  
He knows it is what Liz would want - for him to feel joy again - but it is the one gift he cannot give her. Because, the irony of the gift she gave him - her life - is that he can never be content without her.  
  
But, he can live.  
  
***  
  
"What do you mean he left?" Beth stares at Kyle's father in disbelief. "You asked him to help, he agreed, and then he just left?"  
  
She does not understand. It is not like Zan. She has told these people that he will help them. She has trusted him to help them find Max. She knows it is asking too much of him, but she also knows that he will do it. It is not in him to refuse her.  
  
Was he upset that the sheriff asked, and not her? How can he not know that she would have asked him herself, if he had come to see her?  
  
Does he think that she does not want to talk to him? Because it is not true. She loves him still, in spite of everything. She dreads having to tell him that it is not enough - that she has never been able to completely give herself to him because Max already holds the place in her heart that Zan wants - but Zan must know that, at least, she loves him.  
  
She knows that something is wrong. She knows Zan. He would help. He is not selfish. He never has been. He always thinks of his family first, and she is part of his family. He is not cruel. He knows how much they want to find Max, and he knows how much Max must need them. He would not turn his back on any of this, even if he is upset and hurt.  
  
"Just what I said," the sheriff replies, sounding sad. He does not seem angry, like the others do. But the others do not know Zan. The sheriff, though - even from their short interaction - seems more understanding of him. He meets Beth's eyes, his concern obvious.  
  
"We need to find him," Beth says firmly. "He's going to do something stupid."  
  
The sheriff closes his eyes briefly, taking a deep breath. "I was afraid you were going to say that."  
  
"Something stupider than pretending he didn't know who you were? Maybe he's hiding, so that he can keep up his stellar record of being completely selfish," Isabel snaps. Max's sister is pacing across the room, obviously upset, her last hope that they will find Max beginning to dwindle again.  
  
"Isabel." Beth says the other woman's name softly, but in a way that makes Isabel stop in her tracks. "You told me that you and Lonnie are mostly the same. It has even been proven, I think. Why is it so hard for you to accept that Max and Zan might be, too? Would your brother just hide when someone was in trouble?"  
  
Isabel glances at Michael. It is Michael who replies, sounding angry. "You already know the answer to that, Liz. Max exposed himself to save you. And, you're wrong. We're nothing like them."  
  
"You are," Beth replies, beginning to get angry, too. She has done her best to understand these people - to understand why they are so resentful of their duplicates - but they have made absolutely no effort to try to do the same. They have made no effort to try to understand that she loves Zan, and Lonnie, and Rath, and Ava for themselves, too. That, in spite of Isabel's insightful words of the night before - words Beth acknowledges - the past three years have not just been about replacing those she lost.  
  
How can they understand, when you yourself have decided that you must completely reject them to go back to your old life?  
  
Beth feels a flash of guilt, understanding that it will never be that simple. Because, in the end, she does love them all. She loves them differently, but they are all important to her.  
  
And, because of it - because they are all going to be a part of her life - they are just going to have to learn to accept each other.  
  
"You just grew up loved," Beth continues, more gently. "That's the only difference."  
  
"That is the biggest crock I have ever heard!" Michael exclaims, making Beth jump. "We are not interchangeable! I don't give a shit what you think, Liz, or Beth, or whoever the hell you are. They will never be like us!"  
  
The room falls silent after this outburst. Beth knows that her eyes are wide, because, for the first time, she understands that the resentment the Roswellians feel toward their duplicates is about more than just her. Because Michael's intense anger can not just be about her. From the history she was told, they were never that close. They trusted each other, but they were not best friends, by any means.  
  
However, Beth also knows that Michael will never tell her. So, she looks first at Alex, and then Kyle. She even glances at the sheriff, but he seems just as surprised by Michael's fury as Beth feels. Even Maria looks shocked.  
  
"What is this about?" she finally asks Tess quietly, because Isabel has her arms crossed and her chin is set mutinously. Michael is panting, trying his best to leash his anger, but he is finding it difficult. Finally, he storms across the room, throwing open the door to the balcony, as though fresh air might help.  
  
Tess grimaces, looking reluctant. She glances at Isabel. Max's sister sighs heavily and collapses into the sofa. She finally opens her mouth and says, "He tried to replace Max."  
  
Beth is confused. "Who did? Zan? I told you! He didn't know about me and Max."  
  
Isabel rolls her eyes. "While I still don't completely buy that Zan didn't suspect, I do believe that he didn't completely know. I'm not talking about him, though. I'm talking about Langley."  
  
Beth starts. "Langley?" She knows that the Roswellians met the New York aliens' guardian, of course, but what does he have to do with anything?  
  
"When Langley came to Roswell," Tess explains, "His only goal was to get back home. He didn't care that Max was gone. He wanted to go anyway, and he wanted us to take Zan with us. He wanted us to just accept Zan, as if there had never been a Max."  
  
"But how is that Zan's fault?" Beth asks. "You never even met him before yesterday. I mean, obviously he never tried to take Max's place himself."  
  
"Maybe not on purpose." Tess shrugs. "But, Liz, he did take Max's place. With you. Which is the one thing we absolutely know would kill Max."  
  
Beth looks at Isabel sharply. "You told me that Max wouldn't care!"  
  
Isabel is glaring at Tess, who looks like she wants to sink into the floor. "Tess doesn't know what she's talking about," Max's sister reassures her firmly. "She barely knew Max before he was taken."  
  
Tess is upset. "That's true," she admits quietly. "But I know how much he loved you, Liz. I was the one he rejected for you, after all." She looks at Kyle quickly, but he doesn't seem perturbed. He obviously knows Tess very well and just smiles reassuringly at her. This seems to give the small blonde strength to continue, because she adds, "And I also know that I didn't want Zan to replace Max either."  
  
Beth sighs. She understands that no report she receives of Max - and what he might or might not feel - will ever be as accurate as the one that she would be able to provide for herself, if she had her memory. She was the one who knew him best. She hopes that someday it will be true again.  
  
"You never told us any of this," Alex says, breaking into the silence that has fallen. He does not sound angry, or upset, just sad. "Why, Isabel?"  
  
"It was between the three of us," Isabel replies quietly. "We never even talked about it, after we told Langley to go screw himself." Beth's eyes widen. Isabel's language is unlike her. It, more than anything, indicates to Beth how much Langley's attempt to replace Max with Zan affected the Roswellians.  
  
"We didn't talk about it, because we didn't want to think about it," Tess adds. "The fact that Max needed to be replaced at all. We failed him. He was dead because we hadn't been strong enough to save him."  
  
"That wasn't your fault," the sheriff breaks in, sounding stern. "You were children. Tess, I've told you this a thousand times!"  
  
"I know," Tess says quietly. "But we can't help the way we feel. We were supposed to be a team - a unit. And we failed him when he needed us most."  
  
"No, I did," the sheriff insists. "It was because of me that the FBI knew about Max. If I'd just left him alone, none of this would have happened."  
  
"Dad..." Kyle sounds tired, as though this is an argument they have had many times before. "It wasn't your fault. You changed your mind. You did your best to protect him."  
  
"None of us blame you, Sheriff," Isabel adds. "Michael told you himself that Max trusted you."  
  
"Well, that didn't help him much, did it?" the sheriff demands.  
  
"Okay, would you all just stop?" Maria interjects. She has been listening quietly, but now she is crying. "None of you are to blame! There is only one person to blame, and that's Pierce. Do you think that Max wants you all to sit around feeling guilty?" She looks at Liz. "I'm almost glad you don't remember, Liz, because you would be the worst of the bunch if you did."  
  
Beth presses her lips together. She does not dare tell Maria that she already feels to blame, even without her memory.  
  
"Max is irreplaceable," Maria continues. "We all know that. But that doesn't make Zan bad. Langley was a complete bastard. We all know that, too." She looks at Isabel. "He left you guys high and dry. I mean, he took your only way back to your planet."  
  
"We didn't want to go," Tess reminds her, sounding a little tentative.  
  
"I know that, Tess, but that doesn't mean he had the right to steal it!" Maria exclaims. "The granolith belonged to you."  
  
"What is the granolith?" Beth asks. Because she knows that Zan, and Lonnie, and Rath have always wanted to know.  
  
"It was a spaceship," Tess replies. "Langley stole it and took off when we told him we wouldn't just accept Zan and go back with him."  
  
Beth feels disappointed, because she knows that Zan will be when he finds out. She thinks that he and his siblings always envisioned the granolith as being something more than a mere spaceship. They always spoke of it in soft tones, almost reverently. She has never known what they think it is, but she feels that it must be more than a return journey to a place they did not want to go anyway.  
  
Zan has never wanted to go back to Antar. She knows it, and she knows that the others feel the same way. Antar has always represented Langley's rejection of them. She never knew why their guardian left them, until she knew about Max and the Roswell aliens, but she knows that their guardian's desertion hurt Zan. It has affected his life far more than he would ever tell even her.  
  
She closes her eyes. It has suddenly occurred to her that this fact must make her rejection of him in favour of Max even more painful. Because it is not the first time it has happened to him.  
  
She cannot ask him to help find Max.  
  
She realizes it suddenly, and with the awareness comes a sense of relief; a sense that she if finally doing the right thing. She cannot be so cruel. Zan has been forced to deal with enough recently. She cannot ask this of him, too. She was selfish to even contemplate it.  
  
It is up to her to find Max. She knows that she can do it. They even know where to start, thanks to the sheriff. Max probably has moved on from where the sheriff traced the call, but he is out there, and because of it, they will find him.  
  
"Liz, what?"  
  
She blinks, focusing on Alex, who seems to be the only one aware of the determined expression she knows has crossed her face.  
  
"We can't ask Zan for help," Beth replies simply. "We just can't. We have to do this on our own."  
  
"But, Liz, how?" Isabel demands, sounding a little impatient.  
  
"Exactly how we tried last night," Beth tells her patiently.  
  
"Dreamwalk?" Tess says, sounding a little scornful, although Beth knows she does not mean to - it is just Tess's way. "Liz, it already didn't work."  
  
Liz meets the small blonde's eyes seriously. "I don't care what happened last night. I think I was distracted then." She looks back at Isabel. "With all that you told me about connections and stuff. It only makes sense that I was a little overwhelmed."  
  
Isabel seems unconvinced. "I don't know."  
  
"Can it hurt anything?" the sheriff asks. Beth smiles at him gratefully. "We're heading for Canada tomorrow morning anyway. It's worth another try, isn't it?"  
  
Isabel straightens her spine slightly. "I guess so," she replies. "I mean, I don't want to sit around and wait anyway."  
  
Beth sighs with relief. "Great."  
  
"We'll eat dinner, and then we'll give it a try," Isabel suggests. "He's probably not asleep yet."  
  
As the group begins to separate to prepare for dinner, Maria stays close to Beth. Finally, when everyone is out of ear-shot, she whispers, "Liz, what about Zan? Are you going to try to talk to him tonight?"  
  
Beth looks down, sighing again. "I guess not. I'll give him the night. If he wanted to talk to me, he would have come in...right?"  
  
Maria frowns. "I guess so. You know him, I don't."  
  
"I think he just needs some time," Beth tells her. She does not know quite how to describe what she is feeling about Zan at the moment. She feels sad, and guilty, but also a little relieved that he has taken the decision about whether to talk to him tonight out of her hands.  
  
She will call him in the morning, before they leave for Canada. By then, she will have figured out exactly what to say.  
  
Because the last thing she wants is to hurt him anymore than he already has been. If there is anyone on the Earth who does not deserve it, it is Zan. 


	14. Chapter 14

[b]Part 14 [/b]  
  
After the phone call to the sheriff, he tosses and turns for two consecutive nights. By the dawn of the third day, he knows that he will not rest easy until he goes to the city. But he also knows that he cannot risk it. He is used to sleepless nights, anyway. It was rare that Pierce allowed him to lose himself in the comfort of slumber. And, after the dreams of Liz disappeared, he hardly ever slept at all.  
  
He cannot see his friends, but the torture that they are so close, and, yet, still so far away, eats at him. It is much worse than anything Pierce put him through. Max begins to wish that he did not call the sheriff. If he did not know that they were in New York, so close to where he is holed up on the Canadian border, he would not feel this way.  
  
On the fourth day, he is weak. He wants to go. He almost convinces himself that as long as he doesn't approach them, as long as he just sees them from a distance, they will be safe. He can go. No one will ever know. He decides that he will set out early the next day. That night he falls asleep easily.  
  
For the first time in three years, Max dreams of Liz, and remembers it when he awakens.  
  
In his dream, everything Pierce said he did to her comes flooding back, haunting Max; suffocating him. He tries to rescue her, but with every step he takes toward where she lies on the gurney, she moves further away. Abruptly, she is lying at his feet, blood coursing from her nose and lips. He falls to his knees beside her small, battered body, and pulls her gently into his arms, something he was never able to do in the real world.  
  
After the bridge, he never saw her again. He only has Pierce's evil stories - along with his own vivid imagination - about what happened to her. But he has never been certain that any of it is true. That first night back in the White Room, when he regained consciousness, he knew the loss of her. It felt like something had been ripped out of his very soul. He could no longer feel her, could no longer sense the bright presence that was Liz burning in his heart. He was not even aware that she was there, from the day he healed her in the Crashdown, until, after the bridge, when she was gone.  
  
In the dream - even after three years - it is the same. She dies, he loses her all over again, and the grief will not go away. Max stares into her bruised face, and throws his face to the heavens. He is howling his sorrow, when he feels her shift in his arms. He jerks his head down, his heart racing when her eyes open. Her gaze is suddenly piercing his soul.  
  
"You're alive! Liz, you're alive." He bends his head to rain kisses over her face, prepares himself to heal her physical wounds. Even in his dream, he is already planning. They will heal the wounds of their soul together. They have each other again. They can live through anything, as long as they have each other.  
  
"I'm dead, Max." She sounds sad, then closes her eyes again.  
  
The scene changes, and Liz is before him, again alive. She is standing on the edge of the bridge where he last saw her, and she is screaming. She is screaming at him, and the words cut into his soul, like Pierce's scalpel cut into his body.  
  
"You did this to me! I am dead because of you! He killed me to torture you! You saved me, only to bring me to this. During the day you try to forget me, but I will never let you forget. This is your punishment. I'm back and, this time, I am going to haunt you forever. I died because of you!"  
  
He takes a step toward her, his arms outstretched pleadingly. "Liz, please..."  
  
"You did this," she says once more, venomously. She then turns and jumps off the bridge. He grabs for her, but he is too late. He stares over the side and sees the tumultuous river below.  
  
She is gone. Again.  
  
Max jerks awake, drenched in sweat. The Dream Liz's accusing words ring in his ears.  
  
The nightmare is enough to fight the instinct to go to New York. It is the only way to keep them safe. He will not allow Liz's fate to befall any of the rest of them.  
  
It is wrong to go. He is certain that Pierce and the Special Unit are searching for him. He needs to stay in hiding. The first thing they will expect is for him to head for his friends. He needs to keep away. He is sure that they are being watched, even now. They will be easy to find. Because of Maria, their whereabouts are presently well-known.  
  
Max now knows that the sheriff understated matters when he said that Maria had "made a nice little career for herself." She is a superstar, her album at the top of the charts. He buys it in the local mall on the fifth day. He thinks that listening to it will reinforce that they are all leading productive, happy lives; that he is right to stay away.  
  
He listens to one song on the C.D. player he borrows from the guy behind the desk in the motel where he is staying. It is entitled "Gone" and before it is even finished he is in the bathroom vomiting. The pain that Liz's best friend still feels echoes in every word. His guilt eats him up inside. They have lost Liz because of him. And the worst part is, he knows, from Maria's song, that they do not even blame him for it.  
  
They miss him. Even after all this time, they still want him back.  
  
They are doing well, they are successfully leading their lives, but the sheriff is right. They have not gotten over it. They would be glad to see him.  
  
But he knows that he cannot go. He will not put them in danger.  
  
On the fifth night, he again dreams of Liz. Now that he is doing the right thing, Liz comes to him softly.  
  
She is again standing on the edge of the bridge, but this time she is smiling at him.  
  
"Liz?" He is tentative, uncertain, and, so, he does not make a move toward her. Will she jump again? Can he save her this time?  
  
"I asked you once. I want to ask you again. Do you burn for me, Max?" She sounds pleased to see him, and it makes his heart sing.  
  
"Always," he replies quickly. "Forever."  
  
"You don't," she says. She doesn't sound angry, just matter-of-fact. Max frowns. "You don't, not really. If you did, you'd know."  
  
"Know what?" He wants to grab her, wants to pull her off the ledge. His heart is beating quickly. He will not be able to bear it if she jumps again.  
  
"I can't find my way back without you," Liz tells him, her mood altering slightly. She is sad again, and she turns, as though she means to go over the side. "To find me, you need them."  
  
"Liz, don't!" He makes a sudden rush for her, but he is too late. By the time he reaches the edge, she is gone again. He feels the lump that precedes grief enter his throat, but the tears never come. Because this time something is different.  
  
The river is calm.  
  
When he wakes up, he is not upset. Instead, he is pensive. He lies in bed, staring at the white ceiling for a long time.  
  
At nine, he is on a bus to New York. 


	15. Part 15

Part 15  
  
It begins as it always does.  
  
The windshield explodes behind them. She loses control of the car. They are in the woods and then they are on the bridge. She kisses him and then she jumps.  
  
It is only when she hits the water that she realizes she is alone. He has not come with her. He is still up there and they have captured him again. She did not save him. He is gone, taken, because she was not strong enough.  
  
She closes her eyes and lets the water close over her head.  
  
"Liz. LIZ!" She recognizes the voice, and the urgency of it makes her fight the river. The instant she does, the scene changes and she is back on the bridge.  
  
She realizes that it is Isabel who has pulled her out. "Liz, you need to focus. You're getting lost."  
  
She stares at Max's sister, uncertain what she means.  
  
Isabel elaborates. "This isn't your nightmare, Liz. You were letting it become yours, though. That's not why we're here."  
  
Looking around, she understands. They are back on the bridge, but this time they are not alone. Her eyes widen as she takes in the sight of herself standing on the railing across the way.  
  
Max is there. He is gesturing wildly, talking to that other her, obviously trying to convince her to get down off the ledge. Beth cannot hear him, but she can feel his desperation, even from so far away.  
  
This is his nightmare. He has let them in.  
  
Her heart starts to thunder in her chest. "Can I talk to him?" she whispers to Isabel.  
  
Isabel is frowning. She has tears in her dark eyes. "I don't know," she admits. "We're here, but I feel like he's still holding back somehow. He's opened himself up a bit, but I don't think we can affect things directly." She wipes her eyes firmly. Beth can see Isabel's determination. "I guess there's only one way to find out."  
  
Max's sister takes a step forward. Another. One more. It is all that Max's subconscious will allow. The next instant, the scene flickers, and Isabel is back standing beside Beth.  
  
"What good is this?" Beth demands. "If we can't talk to him, how is he ever going to know I'm alive?"  
  
Isabel has her arms crossed. She is beginning to look angry. "Why is he so stubborn?" she demands. "I am seriously going to kick his ass when I get my hands on him."  
  
Beth blinks at the outburst, recognizes it for the unreasonable sibling flash of rage she has come to expect in some interactions between Zan, and Lonnie, and Rath. It is the kind of anger that comes from love.  
  
"There must be something we can do?" Beth tells her, gentling her tone. They can not both be angry, after all. "I mean, he let us in this far."  
  
Isabel is breathing deeply, as though to get control of her temper. The strain of the past couple of days is becoming ever more evident in the tall blonde's demeanor. "You're right," she finally says. She appears to be thinking hard. "He's talking to you over there. Maybe you can influence her, if not him."  
  
"What do you mean?" Beth asks.  
  
"They're fighting," Isabel says. "Can't you hear them?"  
  
"No," Beth admits.  
  
Isabel seems perplexed by this. "She's blaming him for killing her."  
  
Beth starts. "What? It's not his fault!"  
  
Isabel sighs. "I know that, Liz. This is his dream though. And it's also typical." She closes her eyes briefly, sadly. "God. This is worse than I imagined. Not only has Pierce had him for five years, he's been torturing himself, too."  
  
"I don't understand," Beth says.  
  
"You might not remember this, but one of the things you and Max most had in common was an absolutely ridiculous tendency to feel guilty about things that you had no control over," Isabel tells her. "I should have known this was part of it. He really blames himself for your death. That's why he won't come home."  
  
"He thinks he doesn't deserve to come home," Beth whispers, understanding. She shivers. For some reason, this makes her think of Zan. She remembers the hopeless expression on his face when they spoke the morning after they first made love. For the first time she understands that it was not simply hope he was missing that day.  
  
He was resigned, accepting. He was not surprised that she had not opened up to him completely. Because he thought he did not deserve her.  
  
Isabel, and Michael, and Tess are wrong. The Original and the Duplicates are so alike, it is frightening to her. A small suspicion begins to worm its way into her thoughts. It is not yet a fully formed fear, nor does she have time for it, but she knows that she will call Zan the instant she is out of this dream.  
  
For now, though, it is Max she needs to help.  
  
"What do I do?" she asks Isabel.  
  
"It's not exactly you over there," Isabel tells her. "It's Max's version of who he thinks you were. Which just goes to show how screwed up he is right now. Because the Max I knew would have known that you never would have blamed him for what happened."  
  
"So I need to make him remember that," Beth guesses.  
  
Isabel shrugs. "It's worth a try." She takes Beth's hand. "We're going to need to work together to fight his will though. It's not going to be easy."  
  
Beth swallows, suddenly nervous. She squeezes the other woman's hand. "Okay."  
  
They both close their eyes. Beth almost instantly feels the wall that Max's mind has built around them. She pours all the love she feels for him against it - the love that she remembers in her heart, if not in her mind - and she can sense Isabel doing the same.  
  
She nearly falls to her knees when the wall crumbles abruptly. This fact, more than anything, reveals to Beth that Max is bending. His iron will is crumbling, too.  
  
He is ready to come back to her.  
  
She can now hear the conversation between him and that other her. It is not nearly as angry as she expected it to be.  
  
"I asked you once," the other Beth - she will call her Liz, because to Max, that is who she is - says, "I want to ask you again. Do you burn for me, Max?"  
  
"Always. Forever," Max replies. Beth feels a lump enter her throat.  
  
"You don't," Liz says. "You don't, not really. If you did, you'd know."  
  
Beth feels Isabel's hand clutch hers more firmly. Max's sister is trembling, as though she is using much more energy than Beth. It occurs to Beth that it is her presence in the dreamwalk that is making Max let them in, if even this much. If it had been Isabel alone, he never would have relented.  
  
"Know what?" Max asks. He is tense, as though he is about to make a grab for the Liz standing on the railing.  
  
"I can't find my way back without you," Liz tells him. "To find me, you need them."  
  
Dream Liz is telling him to go home. Again a sign that he is beginning to forgive himself. She briefly wonders at it. For the first time she wonders why he has chosen now to escape from Pierce. What happened to him after five years that finally made him run away from that torturous life?  
  
This is no time to question it though. She allows a small sense of relief. Something has changed here. Is it her presence in the dream? Even if he can't see her, can he feel her? Does he know that this is what she wants? That she wants him to come back to her?  
  
Beth hears Isabel gasp. She stares as Dream Liz turns suddenly, and jumps off the bridge.  
  
"Liz! Don't!" Max grabs for her, but he misses. Beth feels his grief crash through her. She cannot allow it. He mustunderstand that this is not his fault.  
  
Instinctively, she lets go of Isabel, closes her eyes, and when she opens them again she is standing next to Max at the railing. He is leaning over the edge, a horrified expression on his face. Beth can feel him struggling to go after Dream Liz, but his own guilt will not allow it. He is trapped on the bridge as invariably as she is trapped in a world without any memory of this man.  
  
They need each other to escape. They are meant to find each other, and he needs to know it.  
  
Beth places a gentle hand on Max's shoulder. He turns his head, surprised. His eye widen at the sight of her. He glances back over the ledge, then back at her. "Liz?" he whispers.  
  
"It's me," she replies simply.  
  
"The river..." he trails off helplessly, obviously not understanding.  
  
"What about it?" Beth asks. "The river doesn't matter anymore, Max. Come back to me."  
  
"Can I?"  
  
"If you want to, you can. I need you."  
  
She knows it is true, and that he will understand. That he will listen.  
  
He is breathing erratically. He looks down to where their hands are now joined. When he looks up, his gaze burns into her with an intensity that makes her entire body feel like it is about to burst into flames.  
  
"I'm coming."  
  
With that, the dream flickers, and he is gone.  
  
***  
  
After the dreamwalk, Beth knows that she will not sleep again, although the rest of the group finally retires to bed after midnight. The others are relieved that Max is coming to them, although she can see that Michael does not quite believe it, and Isabel is still uncertain. Beth knows that she is right though. There is no need to go in search of Max. She knows what happened in that dream. He understood that she was real. He is coming. Not only is he coming, but she knows exactly where to go to meet him. Because, of course, he cannot come to the hotel. But she knows where he will be. In fact, she has known for five years.  
  
She sits in a chair on the balcony, and waits for the sun to rise. She waits for Max to wake up in Canada and to remember exactly what he must do this day. She knows that he will not arrive until close to evening, and there are things to do before then.  
  
She must find Zan.  
  
Her worry about him has increased over the course of the night. She has known since the sheriff's arrival that Zan is up to something, but she still has not quite figured out what. After the dreamwalk, and the recognition of how similar Max and Zan really are, and after several hours of turning the possibilities over in her head, she is beginning to suspect that it is far worse than she ever imagined.  
  
Max stayed with the Special Unit to protect his friends, but also out of a sense of guilt. He felt like he deserved it. Zan possesses that same over- developed sense of responsibility. Zan feels that he should have known who Beth was all along. She knows he does. Zan will want to punish himself for it, just as he has punished himself for Langley's desertion for all these years.  
  
Zan knows now that the reason that Beth has never fully given herself to him is because of her prior connection to Max. She can piece together the conclusions he has likely reached. Zan was able to heal her without a connection because he used the connection she has to Max. They did not establish an alien bond when they made love, because she is already bonded to Max. She knows how Zan thinks, and she knows that he will have realized all these things and that he has been deliberately lying to himself for years.  
  
Zan also knows that she will not pick him. He will understand that she wishes that she could, but that she cannot deny what her heart is telling her is meant to be. She and Max belong together. They will heal each other in a way that Zan and Beth have never been able to do.  
  
Finally, Zan knows that the main reason that Max is staying away is still the threat that Pierce and the Special Unit represent. Zan wants her to be happy. Zan will want to take away that threat, so that she can be happy.  
  
And, because of all of this, he is going to take Max's place. Just not with her, because that role is one she has never allowed him, even after three years. Which only makes it easier for him to take the place no one will mind giving him.  
  
She does not understand why it has taken her so long to realize what Zan intends to do. She needs to find him. She needs to stop him. Because she cannot possibly live with the thought that he might endure the same torture that Max has. If he thinks that this is freeing her to be with Max, he is wrong. He must understand that neither she, nor Max, will ever be able to accept this sacrifice. Either the guilt will torture them both, or they will have to save him, and they will all end up in even more trouble.  
  
He is making a mistake.  
  
She cannot wait until morning. She needs to talk to him now.  
  
She calls Lonnie's cell. Zan's sister answers quickly. Beth can tell that she has not been asleep. Lonnie senses it too, then. This night is dangerous for the person they both love. He is going to do something stupid on this night, if they cannot figure out a way to stop him.  
  
"Is Zan there?" she asks, without preamble. Because, there is no time for niceties.  
  
Lonnie does not mind. "No," she replies quietly. "I don't think he's coming home, Beth."  
  
Beth feels her heart fall. "What? Lonnie..." She can hear Zan's sister sniffing. She feels her eyes widen. Is Lonnie crying? Her heart starts to thump irregularly. "Tell me," she orders.  
  
"Ava...Ava followed him this morning. She saw him leaving with them, from the hotel. She tried to save him. She mindwarped them, but he made her stop. He told her that he had to go."  
  
"Go where?" Beth demands. She knows, but she wants Lonnie to say it. She wants Lonnie to admit that they are letting him do it. Because, of course they are. In this, the duplicates are different from the originals. They have always known that Zan is their leader, and they have always accepted his decisions. It is what they were raised to do. It was partly why they finally accepted her, even though she knows that they grew to love her, too.  
  
And, so, Lonnie has no shame in admitting what they have let him do. "He gave himself up, Beth. He let those bastards take him."  
  
"Lonnie, I'm coming over there," Beth tells her. "I'm coming over right now."  
  
"No!" Lonnie exclaims. "Beth, you can't. Don't you get it? Don't you get what he's done? They've seen them. If they see us, they'll understand. They'll understand that we're all different, that Max isn't the only one. You have to stay there. We can't see you again. We're leaving town in the morning, at least until they go home."  
  
Beth can hear the vitriol in Lonnie's voice. She has come to hate the originals. Beth cannot blame her. She cannot blame anyone for anything. But it does not mean that she can just accept this either. She has never allowed Zan to make her decisions, and she is not going to start now.  
  
He is not going to give up his life for her. She will not allow it.  
  
She tries again. "Lonnie..."  
  
But Zan's sister will have none of it. "Stay there, Beth! Don't make what he's done for nothing."  
  
Beth frowns. She senses that there is more to any of this than Lonnie is letting her know. Because, in spite of everything, she cannot believe that Lonnie, and Rath, and Ava would just allow Zan to march to his doom. They might accept his decisions, but they still feel. They would have fought him. They love him. There must be more. She must know what Lonnie knows.  
  
"Did you dreamwalk him?" she demands. Because she knows already that Lonnie has. This is not just about what Zan said to Ava. Zan's sister would never have just accepted Ava's word on what Zan wanted. Lonnie has spoken to him herself.  
  
The long silence tells Beth what she wants to know. "Lonnie, tell me."  
  
Lonnie sobs. "Beth, I can't. I promised him. I can't tell you."  
  
"Lonnie!"  
  
"I'm sorry, Beth. Please. Don't ask me. You'll know soon enough anyway."  
  
"Lonnie, please!" Beth says desperately. "We can't just let this happen!"  
  
"You'll understand," Lonnie replies. "Beth, trust me, you will. He wants to do it."  
  
"NO!"  
  
"I'll talk to you soon," Lonnie says, ignoring her protests. "Trust me on that. Once you're with Max, leave. Go somewhere safe. You need to leave. You have to promise me you will. Once you know, you'll understand why it's so important that you do this."  
  
"Lonnie!" Beth almost screams.  
  
But Zan's sister is totally ignoring her now. Because she knows that Beth will do as she asks. That without all the information, Beth has no choice. She understands that by acting to save Zan without knowing exactly why he is doing what he is doing, she might make things worse.  
  
Zan knows her well. He knew exactly what to make Lonnie tell her so that she would not go after him.  
  
Damn him!  
  
Beth is now sobbing, as she pleads with Zan's sister to tell her the truth. "Lonnie, please! Please, don't make me do this!"  
  
Lonnie is a rock though. This is her final gift to her brother, and she will not break. She says gently, "We will find you. We love you, you know. We really do."  
  
"Lonnie, I'm coming over there!"  
  
"We'll be gone when you do," Lonnie replies. "Don't. Please, just don't."  
  
And, with that, Lonnie hangs up. 


	16. Chapter 16

Part 16  
  
"It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known."  
  
Charles Dickens - A Tale of Two Cities  
  
***  
  
Zan walks out into the sun, the agent firmly grasping his upper arm. He is shoved into a dark car at the curb. There is another agent behind the wheel, and he peels away without even glancing into the back-seat.  
  
A third agent is seated next to Zan. Zan meets his cold blue eyes. He feels a shiver run down his spine and guesses that this man is the architect of Max's misery. This is the man who left Beth for dead five years before; the man who considers the most important person in Zan's life insignificant in the grand scheme of his sick obsession, except as another tool with which to torment his prisoner.  
  
This is Pierce and he is the man Zan will kill today.  
  
But not yet. Because the car stops just as quickly as it started. The agent driving curses.  
  
Pierce leans forward, staring out the front windshield. "What the hell have you done?" he snaps.  
  
"She just came out of nowhere!" the other agent replies, sounding stunned. Within seconds, both agents in the front seat are out of the car.  
  
Zan frowns. He sees nothing. It does not take him long to understand what has happened, though. He closes his eyes briefly, dropping his head back against the seat.  
  
He did not want to have to explain. Not yet. This would be so much easier if he did not have to explain.  
  
Pierce glares at him before he opens the door to leave the vehicle. "Stay here. If you move so much as a muscle, I will go back there, and I will kill them all. Don't test me again, Max."  
  
Zan shrugs. "I gave myself up, didn't I?"  
  
This seems to satisfy Pierce, because he leaves the car. In the next instant, the driver's door opens again and Ava slides into the seat.  
  
"No worries, Zan. I'm getting you out of here." She has her hand on the gear-shift.  
  
"No," Zan says firmly. "I'm staying. Ava, go home."  
  
She turns her head, glaring at him. "Zan, it's them! I'm not just letting you go off with them!"  
  
"Ava, go home." He sees tears fill her large blue eyes. He gentles his tone. "Aves, you need to go home."  
  
"Zan, I don't understand any of this! Why? Why is this happening?"  
  
"Aves, you know why."  
  
"Because of Beth?" she asks, sounding weary.  
  
Zan nods. "It has to be this way, babe. She doesn't belong with us."  
  
"Zan, I can't do it. I can't just let you go," she wails. "Why? Why do you have to love her? Why couldn't it be me?"  
  
He reaches out and gently turns her chin so that she meets his eyes. "I wish it was."  
  
He realizes that, in a small way, it is true, even though he is mostly saying it to make her feel better. He wishes that things could be different. He wishes that his destiny had not been written years ago on another planet. He wishes that he was the king, and that he could have Beth to himself.  
  
He wishes that he loved Ava, and not Beth, and that he did not know that he would do anything to make the one he loves happy.  
  
Because if it was Ava, he could live. But, because it isn't, this is what has to be.  
  
"Ava, you need to go home. Tell Lonnie to come to me tonight. I need her to help me to say good-bye to Beth."  
  
Ava presses her lips together, looks away. "Zan, I can't do it. I can't leave you here. Langley told us. He told us what they would do to us if they ever found us."  
  
"Ava, you can and you will. You're strong." Her chin raises mutinously. "Ava, don't make me have to do it." He knows that if he makes it an absolute order that she do as he asks, she will, but he does not want to play the king card. Not now. Not when they both know he is not really the king.  
  
She swallows. "Zan, why?" she whispers. "This isn't just about Beth, is it? It's about him. Max."  
  
Zan decides that if she really needs to know, he will tell her. "You know how you sort of had that connection to Tess, when you met her?" He knows that it is true, because he saw the expression on her face when she met her original.  
  
"Yeah?" Ava acknowledges. Her eyes widen. "Can you feel him?"  
  
"Yeah," Zan replies. "Even more than you can. Because of Beth. He's suffered enough, Aves. He deserves to have his life back."  
  
"But it's not fair!" Ava exclaims. "Zan, you deserve a life, too!"  
  
"That's not what we're here for, Aves," Zan reminds her.  
  
"I know," Ava replies in a small voice.  
  
"Now, be a good girl, and go back to Lonnie. I need to see her."  
  
"Zan, she's not going to like this. Neither is Rath."  
  
"No, but they'll get it. Just like you get it, sweet thing." He uses the term of endearment, one he has not called her in a long while. In fact, he realizes, ashamed, that he has not called her by it since Beth came into their lives.  
  
"You'll come back someday, though, right?" Ava asks desperately. She's already shifting to leave the car. He has won. Ava's ingrained programming to do as she is told is conquering her will to save him.  
  
"You know it," Zan replies. He hopes that she will forgive him for lying. Someday, he knows she will. Someday, hopefully, she will love someone so much, she will understand why he is doing what he is doing. It is partly the reason he is doing this after all. So they will all be safe and free to finally live their lives out on this planet. "You know I will."  
  
"Okay." She nods her head. "Okay, Zan. I love you."  
  
"I love you too, Aves. Don't forget about Lonnie. And don't drop the warp until you're well away from here. They can't see you."  
  
She finally leaves and, several minutes later, Pierce and the other agents return to the car. They are all shaking their heads, as if they have just woken up. Zan hopes that Ava has made it so that they will not remember leaving the car at all. The agent driving pulls out again, and when Pierce speaks, Zan knows that she has.  
  
"I hope you've learned your lesson, Max." Zan does not respond, although he feels his blood boil at the sight of the agent's smug smirk. "I'm glad you came peacefully, before we had to resort to measures that would have proven unpleasant to your friends."  
  
Zan grunts.  
  
Pierce tut tuts, shaking his head. "So sullen. And here I was being nice." He reaches down in front of him, pulling a briefcase onto his lap. Zan tries not to appear curious as he opens it, because he suspects that Pierce expects Max to know what the black briefcase means. Pierce picks up the needle that is revealed, glancing at Zan meaningfully.  
  
Zan frowns, uncertain how to play this. "You don't need that," he finally says. "I just wanted to make sure they were okay. I won't leave again."  
  
Pierce stares at him for a long moment, before returning the syringe to the briefcase and shutting it with a snap. "Why did you think I hadn't? We've always been honest with each other, Max. I told you I'd leave them alone, as long as you stayed cooperative. When have I ever betrayed your trust?"  
  
Zan stares at Pierce, his eyes wide. This man is crazy. Pierce seems to understand Zan's expression because, for the first time the mask slips and Zan can see anger burning in the agent's eyes. His hatred is naked, and Zan knows that he is doing the right thing. This man cannot be allowed to live. He will never leave Max Evans alone. Ever.  
  
Because, to Pierce, what he has done to Max Evans over the past five years, represents how insane he really is. Zan understands that Max and Pierce have played the game that Pierce is only doing his job, but it is about much more than that.  
  
Agent Pierce is the real monster in this car, they both know it, and Zan is making him acknowledge it by staring at him. He drops his eyes quickly.  
  
"Why now, Max? Why did you betray me? After I stopped them from medicating you. Everything I've done has been to make you more comfortable. Even though you've given me nothing but grief for five years."  
  
Zan shrugs. "I'll tell you when we get back."  
  
Pierce's anger is again shielded. Now he seems interested. "Has something happened?"  
  
Zan shrugs again, looks at the two agents in the front, then back at Pierce. He raises his eyebrows.  
  
"So we're playing that game again, are we?" Pierce asks, beginning to sound amused. "You'll only tell me?" He shakes his head. "You are a smart one. But, the problem is, Max, I don't think you have anything left to tell me at all. I think you ran because you knew that I was just about through with you."  
  
Zan meets his eyes. "You don't know where I've been while I've been gone."  
  
He does not know exactly how long it has been since Max's escape, but he expects that it dates from around the time Beth's nightmares returned. He is hoping that Pierce will accept the implication that Max has not spent the last week with his friends - that, rather, they were his last stop after spending time elsewhere. That maybe he had been doing something not quite of this Earth.  
  
"Maybe that's why I left," he repeats. "To make it worth your while to keep me alive."  
  
Pierce narrows his eyes. "That's stupid, Max. Why do you want to live? You've wanted to die for five years."  
  
This time Zan knows exactly what to say. Because he knows exactly why Max Evans is still alive after all.  
  
"If I wanted to be dead, I'd be dead," he replies shortly.  
  
Max Evans did not want to die. Zan knows this. He knows that Max lived on in order to submerse himself in his guilt. Max did not feel that he deserved the peace that death would bring. Zan knows that this is why Max thinks he lived.  
  
Zan knows differently.  
  
Max lived on because it was the best way to keep his friends safe. By keeping Pierce occupied, focused on him alone, he was saving them.  
  
But now everything has changed. Because, now, Max's death is what will protect them.  
  
Zan just hopes that Pierce does not suspect that this Max has every intention of taking Pierce with him when he goes.  
  
***  
  
He is in a padded cell with white walls, and white ceilings. White, white, white.  
  
He knows that they are still in the city. Pierce plans to keep him here overnight, and then move him somewhere else in the morning. He has overheard the other agents talking. The facility here is too busy, and does not have the right questioning "tools."  
  
For some reason, Pierce does not seem to fear him running again. Because, after all, he has given himself up. Or maybe Pierce just senses that something is different this time, that Max is not going anywhere.  
  
While he awaits the final confrontation with Pierce, Zan has been thinking about Max; about why his original has chosen now to escape. He knows that the decision is directly linked to Beth; that somehow Zan's original now knows that she is alive. Why? How? What has broken through the barrier to Max and Beth's connection; the barrier that was caused by Beth's memory loss and her commitment to Zan? What has re-established their bond?  
  
Zan is not a stupid man, in spite of his still limited education, and eventually the truth hits him. He has been reflecting on the many lessons Langley taught about connections - about their strengths and their limitations. He feels the breath leave his body when he remembers one thing that had, before now, not crossed his mind as a possibilty. He simply can not believe that it has taken him so long to understand. There is only one answer. He absolutely should have known. But, because he has never established a connection to Beth himself - because Max was there first - he has had to use his mind to figure it out, rather than his senses to know instantly.  
  
Finally, he understands exactly why he is doing what he is doing - why his instinct to take Max's place here has been so great. This is about more than just making Beth happy, about more than taking Max's place in the White Room.  
  
"You are the replacements, the duplicates, the back-ups. You have no destiny unless their destiny is compromised. Only then will you take their place."  
  
Langley's words come back to him again. He is the back-up. The replacement. Max Evans has been damaged in the White Room and Zan has fulfilled his destiny for him. He has done his duty.  
  
And, now, to safeguard the result, he will die.  
  
He wishes that he could speak to Max, just once, just to be sure that what he leaves behind will be accepted by his original. But, finally, he realizes that he does not need to meet Max. Because he knows what he would do, if he were in Max's situation. He knows what he did do.  
  
He kept Max's most precious love safe and secure for three years. He knows that Max will do the same.  
  
The ease with which he falls asleep that night reinforces that he is doing the right thing. He is not scared, nor is he uncertain. This is his destiny, his path, and he is embracing it, just as he knows that Max Evans will embrace his when he meets it.  
  
When Lonnie comes to him later that night, he tells her everything. She weeps, but she promises that she will keep Beth away, that she will allow what is meant to be, to be.  
  
"But, Zan, are you sure?" Lonnie demands, before leaving him. "If he's damaged...how can he protect them?"  
  
"This will be what heals him, Lon. This is what he needs. He needs a future to shape, so that he can forget the past."  
  
In the dream, Lonnie takes both his hands and meets his eyes. "Zan, you know that if Beth knew, she'd stay with you. She'd never go back to him, if she knew."  
  
Zan sighs. "Maybe I know it, but I don't want her like that, Lonnie." He looks away from his sister's penetrating gaze. "Plus, he's the one she needs. He's the one who can heal her."  
  
"It's not fair," Lonnie says quietly.  
  
"But it is what is," Zan replies.  
  
His sister does not say good-bye. He knows that she cannot do it, and he does not ask it of her. He knows that she will be all right. Lonnie is strong. She will do as he asks, because they have always understood each other well, he and his sister. She knows that he will not be able to live without Beth - that he cannot live knowing that she is with another.  
  
In the end, this is not so much about destiny after all. It is about what is. He loves Beth. She does not love him in the same way, and he can accept it, but he cannot live with it. She may have chosen Max over him, but she would feel it forever. The guilt would make her miserable. He does not want that for her. Because he wants his love to actually mean something, he is going to give her the gift she never could have taken for herself.  
  
He is giving her freedom.  
  
He realizes now that, in spite of all reflections to the contrary, he is not being driven to do what he will do. This is entirely his choice. Lonnie grasps this even more quickly than he does, and it is why she accepts his decision. It is also why she will not blame Beth, and it why Lonnie will be there for her beloved when she needs her.  
  
They will stay a family, and they will be safe when he is gone.  
  
"Get up, Max."  
  
Zan finds himself waking up on the floor, having been knocked there by Pierce. "Good morning to you too," he mutters after the agent's retreating form.  
  
Pierce stops in his tracks. Zan grimaces. A mistake? Has Max never challenged his captor? Zan cannot believe it.  
  
But why would Max have challenged the punishment he felt he deserved? Of course, he has not, and Zan has made an error. He is finding it more difficult to impersonate his original than he thought he would.  
  
"My, my. Aren't we feisty?" Pierce says. He is amused. Zan clenches his jaw. He is barely refraining from putting his plan into motion right now.  
  
This man deserves to die.  
  
But, not yet. Not here. Not where Pierce might be saved if all does not go smoothly. Zan knows that they will soon be back on the road - that this facility is not their final destination. He heard the agents talking, knows that they want more sophisticated "questioning" tools before they press Max for information about where he has been. They need privacy for what they plan to do to him, and Zan realized from the moment they arrived here that this facility does not provide it.  
  
As he is pushed into the back of a car, Zan knows that he cannot afford to play this out much longer though. Pierce is becoming suspicious. He can feel the agent's eyes on him, curious, assessing. But he wants to be as far from New York as possible before moving ahead. He feels that everyone will be safer that way. He wants the Special Unit away from his family and from the originals, so that it does not cross their mind that they may have played a role in what he intends to do to Pierce.  
  
But that is not the only reason. He is not quite ready to die. Not yet. It is not yet time.  
  
He wants to know that Max has found Beth. He wants to know that it has happened before he dies.  
  
He does not question why he is sure that he will know when they find each other. He does not question anything anymore.  
  
There is no longer time to question. He is aware that the rest of his life can be measured in hours. He is not afraid. Not of that, anyway.  
  
His only fear is that they may not find each other. He fears that Beth might be left alone.  
  
It is not a true fear though. He knows what fate intends. It could not be so cruel again. He refuses to believe that what he is doing - what feels so right - could be for nothing.  
  
Hours later, when they are driving through the flat fields of Ohio, a sense of relief and completion washes over him, and he knows that he is right.  
  
For the first time, he feels a true connection to Beth, as her connection to Max flares back to life. It is through his bond to his original that he, for a moment, understands what he will miss. For a moment he experiences what exists between them. For a moment he mourns what might have been his.  
  
And, then, he smiles.  
  
"Stop the car." He addresses to the driver, who glances in the rear-view mirror, surprised.  
  
Pierce turns his head, eyeing him languidly. Zan barely refrains from doing it right then. Pierce's relaxed attitude more than demonstrates how little he understands what he will soon be dealing with. "You're not giving the orders here, Max."  
  
For a moment, Zan wishes he really was Max, and not just because of Beth. For his original's sake, he wishes that Max had the chance to do what has to be done. Because, now that Max knows that Beth is alive - now that, in his own mind, he no longer has to be punished - this privilege should be his.  
  
"I have to go to the bathroom," Zan replies sullenly.  
  
Pierce rolls his eyes. "Fine. Stop the car."  
  
Zan leaves the car, then simply stands on the side of the deserted highway - they have been taking back roads - staring off over the field.  
  
"Get back here, Max."  
  
"I need to talk to you," Zan says. He does not look back.  
  
"Now is not the time. Get back in the car or I'll make you regret it."  
  
Zan glances over his shoulder. "You won't do anything to me until I tell you where I've been for the last week. I want to tell you now, and then you can just end this once and for all. We both know I'm not going to live anyway."  
  
Pierce comes. Zan is not surprised that the agent is so careless. Even after Max's escape, he still feels in complete control of this situation. Zan has seen it in his eyes, and now he sees it in the tolerant expression as Pierce joins him.  
  
"What is it?" Pierce demands, impatient.  
  
"I found out who I am. You've been wrong about me," Zan replies quietly.  
  
"Tell me," Pierce insists, almost panting with anticipation.  
  
Zan takes a step closer to the monster, leans forward, places his hands on Pierce's shoulders and whispers into his ear. "I don't heal, you sick bastard."  
  
Before any reply can be formulated, Zan places his hand on Pierce's chest. He burns a hole right through the place where Pierce's heart should have been.  
  
Moments later, Zan is shot down by the other agents. He is aware of the younger of the two staring down at him as he closes his eyes.  
  
"I bleed," he murmurs.  
  
The connection is strong now. In the moment before death, he feels his child for the first and last time, and he knows that he does not bleed in vain. 


	17. Chapter 17

Part 17  
  
Beth does not know what to do, after Lonnie hangs up. She paces the suite's living room area, feeling like a caged animal. How can Zan do this? How can he love her this much? She does not deserve it, and it angers her even more because of it.  
  
How will she live with the guilt of this? How will Max? Because she knows that he will feel just as responsible as she does.  
  
How can Zan do this and not even leave her the option of trying to fix it?  
  
She knows that anger is the wrong response. Guilt is too. He would not want that. It goes against everything he is trying to do for her...and for Max. But how can he expect anything less? Does he not know her at all?  
  
Lonnie says that it will all make sense in time. But Beth wants it to make sense now. She has lived the last five years in a world of secrets, in a world where she never quite understood anything. And, now, just when it is all starting to make sense, the rug has been pulled out from under her again.  
  
She cannot live with this. It is just impossible. He clearly never knew her at all, if he thinks she can, no matter what she learns in time.  
  
He never knew you because you never let him.  
  
She raises her hands, pressing them against her temples to shut out the voice of her own conscience. Tears stream from her clenched eyes, as she struggles not to scream her frustration. The last thing she wants is to awaken the others. Because if she does not understand Zan's sacrifice, she feels that none of them will understand why she is upset. They will accept what he has done. It will make them happy, because Max will be safe. She cannot bear the sight of them trying to hide their joy, because they will recognize it as inappropriate.  
  
They will hail Zan as a hero. She cannot, because her fear for him is practically strangling her. She does not care that Lonnie says she will understand. She will never understand. She cannot accept that he is sacrificing himself like this. There has to be another way!  
  
She needs air. Is it too early to go out? Glancing out the window, she sees that the first grey shades of dawn are beginning to gather.  
  
Beth pauses in her pacing. Somewhere, miles away, Max will wake up soon. He will know that she lives - and he will come for her.  
  
He will be able to come because of the sacrifice Zan has made. Zan has given her this gift, and she does not know how she can bear it. But she does know that she owes it to him to accept it. At least for now.  
  
Max will help her. Max will help her to figure out a way to save Zan. Because he will not be able to bear it either. Especially because he, more than anyone, will know exactly what Zan has done to himself. Max has lived it for five years.  
  
Max will help her. But first she must see him. And she will not see him here. Since she cannot face the others right now, and since she cannot go to Lonnie, Rath, or Ava, she will go and wait for Max, where she knows he will find her.  
  
"Liz, where are you going?"  
  
Her hand is already on the doorknob, but the soft voice behind her makes her jump and whirl.  
  
It is Kyle's father. He comes out of the bedroom closest to the outer door of the suite, and she can tell that he has heard her because he has not been sleeping either.  
  
"I need some air," she replies, turning again.  
  
"Liz, what's wrong?"  
  
She closes her eyes. "Nothing," she insists. She cannot talk about it. Not now.  
  
He obviously does not believe her though, because he emerges fully from the bedroom, shutting the door quietly behind him. Beth remembers inanely that Tess and Kyle are sleeping there as well.  
  
"Let's go talk," the sheriff says, gesturing towards the balcony.  
  
"I can't," Beth insists. "I need to go."  
  
"Are you going back to them?" Valenti asks gently.  
  
"No," Beth replies, sounding more bitter than she means to. "I can't do that either." She pauses, eyeing the sheriff for a moment. His sad eyes pierce her for a moment, and she sighs. She remembers how this man has spent the last five years of his life blaming himself for her death. She can see now that all he wants to do is to help her. And, so, she tells him, "I'm going to wait for Max."  
  
"You don't seem very happy about it," the sheriff tells her. "And can't the others come with you?"  
  
Beth glances at the closed door leading to the room in which Kyle and Tess sleep. "Can we go somewhere?" she finally asks. "I mean, I'm just not ready to tell them what's going on."  
  
"Don't you trust them?" Valenti asks, not sounding angry, only concerned.  
  
"I do," Beth replies firmly. "It's just that it's complicated. They're not exactly very understanding of Zan. I can't blame them, but I also can't deal with it right now."  
  
"Okay," Valenti agrees. "Just give me few minutes to get dressed. I'll meet you down in the lobby. We'll eat breakfast, because I don't think I've seen you eat anything since I've been here." He adds the last sternly, and it makes her smile slightly, in spite of herself. She does not really remember her father, nor any father, but she assumes that this sense of tolerant amusement at his protectiveness might be close to what it feels like.  
  
She broods as she descends in the elevator. She remembers that Zan never had a father. That his father-figure compared him to someone else for his entire life. She wonders how much of Zan's sacrifice is wrapped up in Langley's warped interpretation of what Zan's existence meant - that he was only ever intended to be a second for Max. She does not know what to think about it. She does now want to think about it.  
  
She is in the lobby, still thinking about it - because wanting and doing are two different things entirely - when the elevator doors open again and Sheriff Valenti joins her. He motions towards the hotel's restaurant, which is just opening for breakfast.  
  
"I'm not hungry," Beth admits several minutes later, when they are seated. She looks at the waitress. "I'll just have coffee."  
  
"Me neither," the sheriff tells her. "But we should eat anyway."  
  
Beth shrugs. "I guess I'll have some toast then."  
  
The waitress leaves and Beth begins to play with her silverware. Up in the room it had felt like a good idea to share some of this burden, but now, with the sheriff's knowing blue eyes on her, she feels uncomfortable again. Her thoughts are in turmoil. How can she even begin to formulate any sort of explanation that will make sense, when she does not understand anything that is happening herself?  
  
The sheriff seems aware of her hesitation, because he opens the door for her. "You said last night, when I first told you that Zan had taken off, that you thought he might be about to do something stupid." When Beth looks at him in surprise, he raises an eyebrow. "This [I]is[/I] about him, isn't it?"  
  
Beth looks down. "Zan has given himself up to the FBI." She feels her throat tighten, clears it so that she can finish. "He's taking Max's place."  
  
She looks up at the sheriff. He has closed his eyes, and has fallen back against his chair, obviously upset. "How do you know this?"  
  
"I talked to Lonnie." Beth places her elbows on the table, dropping her face into her hands. She fills him in quickly on everything Zan's sister told her. Then she says, "I am so angry at him, sheriff. I know it's wrong - that he's doing this for me, so I can be with Max - but I can't even deal with it. It's just too much. How can he do this? How can I possibly live with this?"  
  
There is a long pause. She looks up at the sheriff. He is watching her pensively. Finally he says, "Maybe it's not about you at all, Liz."  
  
"But he's doing it so Max will be safe," Beth argues. "So that Max and I can be together. I know it's not possible to love two people at the same time. I know that what I feel for Max - I don't even remember him and I know . And it's not what I feel for Zan. I don't love him that way, sheriff, but I do love him. I've been with him for three years. How can I know that it's Max that I'm supposed to be with, and, yet, I ended up with Zan and never even remembered Max at all. I still don't remember him! How did this happen? And how can this not be about me? Zan is doing this so I don't have to feel guilty for being with Max. And I just cannot live with it!"  
  
"Are you sure that's why he's doing it?" the sheriff asks gently.  
  
"What other reason could there be?" Beth demands.  
  
She is angry again. She clutches the cloth napkin on the table, trying not to lose control of herself.  
  
Why could he not have come to her? How can he not know that he is torturing her by running away like this? How cold does he think she is, that he thinks she can live with this?  
  
He does not think you are cold. He knows that you would have been torn, that you could not have handled breaking his heart, that it would have stood between you and Max. And so he is taking the choice away from you, so that you never had to do it. And, maybe, just maybe this whole thing is not all about you, like the sheriff says. Maybe, just maybe, it is also about Zan and what he needed to do.  
  
The small voice is back. Strangely, it is not really speaking in words, but she interprets its meaning as such. She frowns. She wonders at it. It does not feel like her conscience at all, this understanding, as it comes to her. Because her conscience is presently tortured with guilt. It does not have the capacity for reason at the moment. But if it is not her, then what is it?  
  
Who is it? Is it Zan? Is he trying to make her accept this? Has he somehow managed a connection to her now, at the end?  
  
The irony of it brings tears to her eyes.  
  
The sheriff is watching her. She knows that she is about to start crying, but he does not seem to mind. Finally he says, "Who was Zan, Liz? Tell me about him."  
  
Beth stares at him. "You want me to tell you about Zan? Why?"  
  
"Because I think you need to talk about him and I think that you're right that the others aren't quite ready to hear you do that." He sighs. "They are good people, Liz, which I think you know, but you don't know how much they have missed both of you. It's going to take them a while to accept how much time they've lost with both of you. Zan and the other duplicates are easy to blame for it, even though I'm sure they really do get that it wasn't any of their fault."  
  
"I don't think Zan would agree with you," Beth tells him. "I'm pretty sure he's spent the last forty-eight hours beating himself up over the fact that he didn't realize who I was. I know he just tried not to understand, though. He is the kindest person I have ever known. He would never have lied to me, if he had figured it out."  
  
"I'm sure he wouldn't have," the sheriff agrees. "I only met him for a few minutes, but he seemed like a very responsible young man."  
  
"He was," Beth says. She then proceeds to tell the sheriff all about Zan - about how they met, about how he had changed for her, about who he was. She finishes by saying, "He looked after me. He was so good to me, sheriff. Which is maybe why I can't accept him doing this. He deserves to find happiness. He deserves to find someone who will love him back the way I never could."  
  
"We can't make ourselves love someone else, Liz," the sheriff says. "You can't beat yourself up over this. You didn't make him do this. You need to accept it, or what he has done will have been for nothing. You need to respect the love he had for you, by accepting it."  
  
"I wish it was that simple," Beth says. "There's got to be something we can do!"  
  
"There might be," the sheriff agrees. "But you need to think about it, really hard. If you do try and save him, you are going directly against what he wants."  
  
Beth narrows her eyes. "You're one to talk!" she exclaims. "You were going to try and find Max, even though he asked you not to!"  
  
The sheriff nods. "That's true, I was. But Max was not thinking rationally. He did not have all the facts. And I could tell from our conversation that he was not doing what he really wanted to do."  
  
"Are you saying you think that Zan really wants to die?" Beth demands, horrified. Because this is even worse! How can she ever accept that love for her drove him to suicide? What if the sheriff is right, and this is not about sacrificing himself so that she can be with Max, but rather is about the fact that he just cannot live with the idea?  
  
"That's not what I'm saying at all," the sheriff says, beginning to sound exasperated. "You yourself said that Lonnie told you that Zan said you'd understand why he's done what he's done eventually. Do you think you'd ever understand him having killed himself?"  
  
"Well, no," Beth admits.  
  
"Do you trust Zan?"  
  
"Yes," Beth replies. "I trust him."  
  
"Then I think you owe it to him to believe that he knows what he's doing and that it will all make sense in the end. You owe it to yourself to finish what you've started, which is to find Max. It's what Zan wants and it's what you want. Can you do that, Liz? Can you stop worrying about your own guilt for even one day, so that what he's done won't have been for nothing? Hasn't there been enough guilt?"  
  
"I don't know," she whispers. She meets his eyes. "You still feel guilty about what happened to me and Max."  
  
"I do," the sheriff acknowledges. "But that's different, Liz. That's my guilt. You don't have to feel guilty about something that you didn't make happen. You didn't tell Zan to give himself up. You also didn't make him love you. And, even if you did, I don't think what's happened here has anything to do with any of that. So any guilt on your side is just self- indulgent."  
  
Beth blinks at the harshness of his words, but then reflects on what the sheriff has said. "Isabel told me that Max and I were both like that, before," Beth finally says. "She said that we always blamed ourselves for things we couldn't control. Like I know that one of the reasons that Max never escaped before now was because he blamed himself for my death and he thought he deserved to be punished."  
  
"I believe that could be true," the sheriff tells her. "And it's something that both you and Max are going to have to get over, I think."  
  
"I don't know if I can," Beth whispers. "I mean, how can you change who you are inside?"  
  
"You told me Zan changed."  
  
"Well, on the outside, yes," Beth says. "But he was always kind inside, from the first moment I met him."  
  
"Maybe he was," the sheriff says, "But he changed who he was for you. Don't you think that you can try and do the same for him? Because you already know he has not done this to make you miserable. He has done it because he wants you to be happy."  
  
Beth stares at him, uncertain what to say. Because what he has said has hit home and, yet, she feels guilty even thinking about not feeling guilty. It is never-ending circle and she fears that she is not strong enough to escape it.  
  
She believes the sheriff. That Zan would not want her to be unhappy. She knows this, of course. And, yet, she cannot control how she feels.  
  
She remembers what Lonnie said - that soon she would understand.  
  
She wishes that soon was now. Because, until she understands, she will continue to try and guess. And until she can stop that, the guilt will not go away. 


	18. Chapter 18

Part 18  
  
It takes too many hours to get to New York. He endures it. What are a few hours when compared to the years he has spent thinking she is dead? What are a few hours when compared to the years he will no longer spend alone?  
  
He is not nervous, nor is he afraid that he has misunderstood what he knew when he woke up this morning. He sits quietly on the bus, staring straight ahead for most of the trip. He does not look out the window, because his entire focus is on what lies before him.  
  
He will be in the city by late afternoon. And, there, the real reason he has survived all these years will be waiting for him.  
  
He has been wrong all this time. He did not live to be punished. He lived for this day.  
  
She asked him to burn for her, and he has done so for five years, not knowing what it even meant. Now he does. She wanted him to hold onto a small candle of hope, in his heart, that they would see each other again. He was not even aware, until his dream last night, that he knew what hope even felt like anymore.  
  
Now he does. The flame never did quite die, after all.  
  
Liz is alive.  
  
She is alive, she needs him, and he will not let anything stand in the way. Not the Special Unit, which he thinks will be waiting for him too. Not the years they have been separated. Not the fact that for some reason he still does not understand, their connection is not what it once was.  
  
He is not worried. It will all work out. It has to work out. Fate has brought her back to him, first in a dream, soon in reality, and he will not let anything stand in the way. Not guilt, not fear, not doubt. None of it matters. All he cares about is Liz. He knows she is waiting for him and he will not fail her again.  
  
She is alive and it is all his mind can wrap itself around at the moment. Why, how, all of it will be answered eventually.  
  
It is only when the bus is on the outskirts of the city that he frowns slightly. He has remembered why he has stayed away until now, but it is only in this moment that he wonders what has changed. It is still not safe for anyone that he come out into the open. And, yet, now, he does not care. Should he not care more, now that he knows that even Liz will be affected by his return? That she will be in danger because of him?  
  
But he somehow knows that she will not be. Something has changed in the world today. He feels free, and he realizes that it is not just about Liz. He does not know what it is, but he knows that everything is going to be all right. His heart feels lighter than it has in years - since before he ever knew that something called the Special Unit existed.  
  
The Special Unit will not be waiting for him. He does not understand why, but he knows that it is true.  
  
The only explanation is that Pierce is dead, or soon will be. Because as long as Max's nemesis lives, he will not rest until he lays his hands on Max again.  
  
Max does not attempt to find an answer for why this must be so, nor for how it came about. The answers will come. He has no more time for thought anyway. The bus is pulling into the station, and he feels his heart start to pound fervently.  
  
He cannot yet feel her, but he is sure she is near. She is waiting for him, and at last, at last, they will be together.  
  
There is no more need for thought. It will all be explained when he comes face to face with Liz. Today will be a day of answers. It will be a day of resolutions.  
  
It will be a day to move on from the past, into a glorious future with the woman he has always loved; the woman he has mourned for five years; the woman he has survived to see again.  
  
He leaves the bus, enters the station, and looks around. It is close to the dinner hour, the time when commuters return to their homes, so the station is busy, but is not afraid that he will miss her. He is no longer the one who burns. She is the flame and he is drawn to her as a moth is to the real thing. He finds her easily.  
  
She is seated on a bench in a quiet area of the station, her back straight, her hands clenched tightly in her lap. She is not staring into the crowd, searching, as one might expect. In fact, she has her eyes closed.  
  
Because, after all, she does not need to see what she knows with her heart. She knows he is coming. He is meant to find her here. Fate has led them to this moment.  
  
This does not mean that he does not allow himself to feel relief at the sight of her. He realizes that, in spite of his newly returned faith, he was preparing himself for disappointment. He was preparing himself that perhaps this was all a trick of his mind - that his damaged psyche had finally been driven stark, raving mad.  
  
He allows himself a moment to drink in the vision that is Liz. Alive. Liz, alive. He feels his fingers start to tingle at the thought of touching her. Alive. Warm. Breathing.  
  
Liz, alive.  
  
After acknowledging that this young woman is indeed Liz - older, but still Liz - he takes in the changes. Her hair is very long. It flows over her shoulders, almost to her waist. It is the most obvious physical change. He notes something in her face too. A wariness is there, even though her expression is presently in repose.  
  
He aches to see her eyes. They are still closed, although he can tell she is not asleep. She is simply waiting, but he is briefly shy. For the first time he wonders where she has been, what she has been doing.  
  
It has been five years. What has she lived for these five years? He remembers his game of "what-if."  
  
"What-if" she is out there, alive, and not alone?  
  
His eyes darts quickly to her hands. They are still clasped, so he cannot see her fingers, to check for a ring. A ring, of course, might not be there anyway. No ring would not mean that she has necessarily been alone. She is only twenty-one. Too young for marriage, most would think.  
  
He fully intends to put a ring on her finger as soon as possible, if that is what she wants. He does not care about their supposed youth. He feels like he has lived two million lifetimes without her in the past five years. He will live as few days without her permanently bound to him as possible.  
  
If it is what she wants. If she is alone.  
  
She must be alone. Because, if she is not, why now? Why has she called him to her now? He has understood that he escaped because he somehow knew that he was finally meant to find her alive, but why now?  
  
There is only one way to find out.  
  
Max moves forward. He wants to sit next to her, but he does not. He will not touch her until he is sure. He will not touch her until he is certain that it is what she wants.  
  
He lowers himself carefully onto the bench across from her. He watches her tense. Her eyes are still closed, but he knows that she is aware of him.  
  
What is she thinking in that instant, before she opens her eyes? He desperately wants to know, and he senses that he will, as soon as their gazes meet.  
  
Before, with the connection, he suspects he would have. But the connection is muted, not what it was. He can feel her now, being so close to her, but the flame in his heart that is Liz is banked.  
  
What has happened to her?  
  
He is not afraid to find out, nor is he nervous. They were meant to find each other. It cannot be bad.  
  
He is on fire with anticipation for her to see him.  
  
When her beloved dark eyes finally open, he is not disappointed.  
  
In that split second, he knows what he has always known anyway.  
  
She has burned for him too. 


	19. Chapter 19

Part 19  
  
After her breakfast with the sheriff, Beth does not want to return to the suite. She is still not ready for the questions that will come, nor the silences that will follow. Kyle's father insists that she cannot go to meet Max alone, and Beth knows that he will not be swayed, so she agrees to wait for him. After all, someone has to go back up to the room to explain. She cannot just disappear on them again. It would be too cruel, even though she knows she will see them later. Hopefully, with Max.  
  
No, not hopefully. Certainly. She knows he is coming. She can almost feel her heart lightening as the hours pass. She can feel the miles disappearing between them, and she knows that soon she will finally understand what it is between her and the mysterious man who haunts her dreams.  
  
Because he is a man now. He was a boy when she knew him, but now he is not. And she is aware that even if she still had her memory, she would not really know him at all anymore. He has been through hell in the past five years, and even if she remembered him from anything other than her dreams, he will be different.  
  
He will be different, but he will be Max. She does not remember what that means, but she knows that it means everything.  
  
She also knows that he will understand her need to save Zan in a way that no one up in that suite ever can. She knows this, and she is counting on it.  
  
He will help her. And, once Zan is safe, they can figure out exactly where that leaves all of them. Because, while she intellectually understands the sheriff's argument that giving himself up was Zan's decision to make, she still cannot accept it, and she needs one last chance to try and change his mind.  
  
What this means for her and Max, she does not know. She still does not know how Max will deal with the fact that, while he was being tortured by a madman for five years, she was sure that she loved his double for three of them. And, yet, still she knows that he will help her.  
  
She remembers what Isabel said the night before.  
  
"Liz, if he's alive, trust me. He will not care. He loves you."  
  
He will care. She knows he will. Isabel is right in a way though. She just left out the most important part. The dream she visited last night reinforced everything she somehow already knew. Something she has always known.  
  
He will care, but he will love her anyway.  
  
Because she senses that this is what their relationship was always about. It is what their relationship will be about. Anyway.  
  
She found out he was an alien. She loved him anyway.  
  
She cannot even remember him, and she loves him anyway.  
  
She has been with another man. She somehow knows that he will still love her anyway.  
  
Zan has given himself up to the FBI to save her from having to choose between him and Max. He has tried to make the decision for her, so that she will not have to live with the guilt of it. But he can not take her guilt away. He has simply replaced it with another kind - a more terrible kind.  
  
The first kind she could have endured, because she knows that there was never any choice to make anyway. It has always been Max. In her dreams, in her life, even with Zan.  
  
Zan cannot take the choice from her, nor the guilt of it. She will not allow it.  
  
She will not allow him to die for her. She crosses her arms mutinously, and starts to tap her foot impatiently. She and Max will save him because Zan is not allowed to make this decision. He is not allowed to die for her. Not that too. Not after all that he's already done for her.  
  
The sheriff's earlier words come drifting through her mind, like a reprimand. Maybe it's not about you at all, Liz.  
  
But he cannot be right. Who else could it possibly be about? Because the sheriff was right about his dissection of Lonnie's cryptic warning - about how she would soon understand why Zan is doing what he is doing. Since she would never understand Zan deliberately killing himself because he can not be with her, it cannot be the reason he is doing this. It is just not his style either. She knows that he is hurt and in pain, but he is not a coward. He is a survivor, and always has been.  
  
This is not about the fact that he knows she will pick Max. She knows that he even understands it. He has more than proven over the past two days that he has always suspected that, just as he had always been waiting for her, she has spent the last three years with him waiting for someone else. He was willing to take what she offered, and she now understands that he was always ready to have to give her up. Why else would he have taken her to Maria's concert, if he was not? He knew, somewhere inside, what he was doing when he took her there. He was giving her back her life, even if he never fully recognized it himself until after it was done.  
  
No, this is not about Zan's pain. And so it has to be about hers - the guilt he thinks she will feel over deserting him for Max. It has to be. There is no other explanation. And it is why she must stop him.  
  
He has no right to take away her guilt.  
  
She and Max are meant for each other. The guilt of not fighting it, even when it hurts others, is a part of the price they pay for knowing it. They have both already given their lives for each other once, leaving their friends and family in pain for five years. The guilt of loving each other more than anything or anyone else is their cross to bear. Because joy and completion of the magnitude she senses they brought - and will bring - to each other must be balanced. Because no love, no matter how perfect and meant to be, can survive untested. It is coming through the fire to the other side that truly defines "connection."  
  
They are guilty and they love each other anyway.  
  
Beth jumps to her feet when the sheriff finally rejoins her. She is impatient, although she knows that it is likely still many hours until Max arrives. She does not care. She wants to go to the meeting place now, so that she does not miss him. She cannot risk missing him.  
  
She cannot risk missing this chance to reclaim control of her life. Because she knows that until she is reunited with Max - until the past is healed - there will be no moving forward. There will be no moving forward for any of them. Especially Zan.  
  
She sighs slightly in affectionate exasperation when she sees that Kyle's father is followed closely by Maria. There is a flash of recognition at the feeling. She deduces that this is not the first time that Maria has confronted her in spite of entreaties to the contrary.  
  
Maria holds her hands up defensively. "Don't say it! I just came down to tell you that we understand. It makes sense that you go do this on your own."  
  
Beth blinks. "How did you know I was going to say anything?"  
  
"Lizzie, c'mon! It's me," Maria grins, but Beth glimpses tears in her blue eyes before her oldest friend reaches out and pulls her into a hug. "Even Isabel gets it. She's not happy about it, but she gets it. It's not safe for any of us to go traipsing around the city until we know for sure that the dupes are gone, and that the Special Unit has skipped town." She pulls back. "Are you okay?"  
  
"No," Beth replies honestly.  
  
"Zan's going to be fine," Maria insists. "I mean, you're right. The only person who can possibly save him from his own stupidity is Max. He's the only one who might potentially know where he's been taken. It's going to work out, Liz. It just has to." She stares at Beth intently. "But, Liz, you guys can't do this on your own. You need to meet Max, and then we're going to meet up with you both to fix this."  
  
"Maria..."  
  
Her friend interrupts. "No ifs, ands or buts about it," she says firmly. She leans forward, and continues softly into Beth's ear. "The tour is headed to Boston. I have to go with it, first because of my contract, but second because we need to throw those bastards off our trail. We need to act normal. Tess, Kyle, Alex and Isabel are staying here. Michael will come with me, but Isabel will call once the plan is set, and we'll meet you wherever."  
  
Beth shakes her head slightly. "Maria..."  
  
"Liz, we've done this before," Maria reminds her. "We're a team. All of us. We're going to help."  
  
She sighs, smiling slightly. The warm glow of affection this woman has engendered since the moment they met again washes over Beth. "Okay. We'll call."  
  
When she and the sheriff leave the hotel moments later, her intention is still firm that she will do so. She will call. These people want to help her. They are not judgmental of Zan after all, nor do they want him dead to protect Max. They want to help. And, because she knows what it feels like to be helpless, she will let them.  
  
She is no longer alone. It feels good.  
  
An hour later, she knows that she will not call. Because an hour later, Lonnie's hinted understanding finally comes, and there is no longer any need to call.  
  
An hour later she knows why Zan has done what he has done, and she knows that she cannot save him.  
  
In the end, the sheriff is right. What Zan has done is not about her at all. But it is not about Zan either.  
  
***  
  
Once you're with Max, leave. Go somewhere safe. You need to leave.  
  
A shiver runs down Beth's spine as she remembers Lonnie's warning. She is sitting on a bench in the bus station where she first arrived in New York. The sheriff is in the restaurant nearby, buying them some lunch.  
  
She does not know how she knows that of all the places where Max might arrive in the city, this is the place, but she does. She has recognized that her life runs in parallels.  
  
This is where she first met Zan and so she knows that it will also be where she will first meet Max again. This is where she first recognized Zan, whom she was really recognizing as Max, and so she knows that this is also where Max must come to reclaim the place that rightfully belongs to him.  
  
She is no longer thinking about this fact though. It is what is. Rather, she is staring at the ticket counter across the way. She is watching a young woman she recognizes buy a ticket.  
  
It turns out to be two tickets. Ava hands them to Beth as she plops down on the seat next to her. "Here. Maine. Thought it might be nice this time of year."  
  
Beth stares down at the two tickets, then back at her friend. "What are you doing here? Where are Lonnie and Rath?"  
  
Ava shrugs. "I'll meet up with 'em later. I need to talk to ya."  
  
"You're going to Maine?" Beth asks. She frowns. "I thought you of all people would want to look for Zan. I don't think he's in Maine, Ava."  
  
"I'm not going to Maine," Ava replies patiently, although Beth already knows what she's going to say. Ava knows it too, but she is willing to play the game. "You're going to Maine. You and Max."  
  
"No. I'm not," Beth replies evenly. "After Max gets back, we're going to find Zan."  
  
Ava smiles sadly. "I told Lonnie you wouldn't just accept it. That's why I came. You need to know."  
  
Beth feels her heart start to beat more quickly. "Are you going to tell me what I'm supposed to understand about this whole situation?" She hears her voice rising, but she cannot stop it. "Are you going to try and pretend that you understand this, Ava? Because I know you don't either. We can't just let him do this!"  
  
She feels Ava's blue eyes steady on her face. Zan's "sister" waits for Beth to get a hold of herself. She takes deep breaths, knowing that she is scared to hear it, which is why she is getting angry. She does not want to hear it. Because she realizes that Lonnie was right. What she is about to hear is going to change everything. And if she lets it, then Zan is as good as dead.  
  
She knows this, and yet she calms down and she lets Ava speak again. When she does, the blonde says something Beth does not expect. "Have you thought about the feds, Beth? I mean, do you know what they do to aliens when they catch 'em?"  
  
"Do you?" Beth whispers, her heart thundering. Why is Ava torturing her like this? Is she finally exacting her revenge because Zan loves Beth and not her?  
  
But Ava's expression is innocent. It always has been, and it still is.  
  
"I know," Ava says quietly. "Langley told us about lots of stuff they did to him. And Zan...he told Lonnie."  
  
Beth stares. "What do you mean?"  
  
"In the dreamwalk," Ava elaborates. "He told her about what they did to Max."  
  
"Are they doing it to him?" Beth demands, her fear for Zan increasing again, although she does not know how that is possible.  
  
"No," Ava replies. "He won't let 'em. He's going down long before any of that can happen." She looks away briefly. "He lied to me. He told me he was coming back, but once Lonnie told me what he told her, I know he ain't. He ain't ever coming back, Beth, and you need to accept it."  
  
Beth is confused, and she is starting to feel panicked again. This information is jumbled, and she can make no sense of it. "Ava, why are you bringing up what the FBI did to Max? What does that have to do with anything? And how does Zan even know?"  
  
"Through the connection," Ava explains. "Through you. He knows because you know. You and Max...you're the real deal. And because you are, Zan feels it too. He knows everything that happened to Max."  
  
Beth is shocked. "Everything?" She feels sick. She has tried not to think about what has happened to Max. There just has not been time, and she knows that there will be many years ahead to help him move past it. But first they must be together.  
  
What she cannot understand though is how Zan has given himself up like this, even though he knew exactly what he was getting himself into. What is driving him? She can no longer believe that it is just about her. This is just too much.  
  
Ava reaches out and takes her hand, obviously struggling not to cry. "One of the first things...they just wanted to make sure that there wouldn't be any more like him."  
  
Beth shakes her head. She pretends not to understand, but she fears that she is beginning to all too well. "They don't know about any of you. They don't know about Isabel, or Michael, or Tess."  
  
"That ain't it," Ava says, now impatient. "Any more like Max. They knew how he felt about you, Beth. They used you to torture him. In more ways than one."  
  
And suddenly, abruptly, Beth understands. "Are you talking about children? Is that what you mean?"  
  
Ava nods. "He can't have 'em. They made sure of it."  
  
Beth lowers her head, tears filling her eyes. Her heart is crying out to him. Max! What have they done to you? How have you borne it? She does not want to think about what any of this means, but she knows that soon she will be face to face with it. Soon he will be here, and she will be strong for him.  
  
He needs her. And, finally, she thinks she understands why Zan has done what he has done. It was not for her, it was not for him. It was for Max. His original, his king.  
  
His other self.  
  
Can she accept this sacrifice for Max's sake? Is this supposed to be what she understands? But she has already thought of this. Plus Zan must know that Max will not accept such a sacrifice on his behalf anyway. After all, they are very much the same. No, this cannot be the truth for which she is so desperately searching.  
  
Ava is waiting for her to put the pieces together and, finally, when the only conclusion presents itself, she does.  
  
"Max can't have children," she says. She closes her eyes, swallowing. "Zan is his replacement." She meets Ava's eyes, bringing her hand to her abdomen.  
  
Ava nods, then says gently, "It's true. And it's why you need to get out of here. You need to protect it."  
  
Beth does not know what to say. Her emotions are in turmoil. She is shocked. She is bewildered. She is dismayed. She is afraid.  
  
And, yet, her heart does not know any of this. Her heart has started to beat again, having grown already to include the small life she now knows is on its way.  
  
"Do you understand now?" Ava asks. "Will you let him go?"  
  
"Is...He knows?" Beth whispers, tears streaming down her face.  
  
"Of course. He told Lonnie."  
  
They sit in silence for several long minutes. Beth stares blankly ahead. She notes inanely that the sheriff is standing across the way, watching them, a pair of sandwiches in his hands. He does not approach.  
  
The silence is not a matter of Beth thinking of a way out of this mess. Because she can no longer consider it one. It is not a mess. It is a small miracle born out of tragedy and despair, and she knows that Zan thinks so too. She now understands why Zan has done what he has done and she knows that there is no way to save him. He has taken the only path open to him and she cannot stop him. Max cannot stop him. No one can stop him.  
  
And, yet, it still takes every single shred of strength she possesses to whisper, "God help me, I have to. I have to let him go." 


	20. Chapter 20

Part 20  
  
They stare at each other for what feels like forever. Time freezes in those first moments and, for that eternity, they are the only two people in the world. Because, really, for him, there has never been anyone else who matters anyway.  
  
This is Liz, and she is alive, and he becomes aware that her dark eyes are shining with tears. He knows in that instant that she is still his and that the last five years have been worth every single second of torture to see her look at him that way again.  
  
He sits immobile across from her. It is not where he wants to be, but he feels powerless to move. He has come for her, but now it is up to her to cross this last hurdle. He has used up the last of his strength to get here. He has escaped from hell, because, somewhere deep inside, he knew it was time.  
  
But, finally, he begins to wonder why it has taken five years. How could she have been shut off from him for so long? If he had known she was alive, he would have moved heaven and earth to get to her long before now.  
  
"I thought you were dead," he says. He needs her to know this, so that she does not think that he has deliberately stayed away. Not from her. Never from her.  
  
"I know." She smiles sadly. "I'm sorry."  
  
"I don't understand," he tells her simply. "Where have you been?" He glances at her still clenched hands. "Liz, why can't I feel you?"  
  
Because he cannot. She is sitting right across from him, he can sense her presence on the edge of his consciousness, but they are not connected.  
  
"Because I'm not Liz," she replies. Her voice trembles slightly. "Max, I don't remember you."  
  
"What?" He frowns. "What do you mean?"  
  
He knows that she is lying. Why is she lying to him? Because she must remember. If she did not, she would not be looking at him the way she is. She knows how it is between them. He can see it with his own two eyes. He can feel it in his heart, even if he cannot feel it in hers.  
  
He should be able to feel it in hers. What is wrong here?  
  
"Five years ago..." She trails off, and reaches up a shaking hand to push a long piece of dark hair behind her ear. He watches her hungrily, his hands itching to reach out and grab her. He feels something building between them. It is a steadily increasing tension, one that will not be ignored for long. He can barely concentrate on what she is saying, but he makes himself focus.  
  
"Five years ago we jumped off a bridge," she continues. "You were captured and..." She swallows visibly. "I was lost." She smiles through her tears. "I don't remember anything."  
  
It hits him abruptly that she means that she literally cannot remember him. He sees that beneath the flame in her eyes, there is something darker. There is an emptiness there, and it is lack of memory. She truly does not know who he is.  
  
And, yet, she found him anyway. She was not the only one who was lost, after all. She does not remember him, but she found him, in spite of all the odds.  
  
There can only be one explanation. He feels a rush of relief. The connection is not broken. It still exists, but it is blocked by her injured mind. He knows it is not permanent though. He can heal her.  
  
She has not called him back only to save him. It is for her too. He is meant to help bring back her true self. He is the only one who can do it, because he is the only one who knows who she truly is. Just as she is the only one who has ever really known him.  
  
"Liz." He falls to his knees in front of her. She gazes at him steadily, unafraid. He reaches up and gently cradles her face between his hands. They have yet to break their locked gazes. Since the moment she opened hers, their eyes have not looked away from each other.  
  
"Max," she whispers. She lowers her head and kisses him and they both gasp as, so simply, the connection flares to life between them. She instantly opens herself completely, trusting that he will bring her back as fully as she has done for him.  
  
He makes himself brush aside the rush of images that greets him, although some do penetrate his consciousness. He resists analyzing their meaning.  
  
He does not allow himself to concentrate on the sweetness of her lips. He will not reflect on how his heart is hammering in his chest, begging him to lose himself in her. Because this connection must be about so much more than how much he physically desires her.  
  
Instead, for the first time in five and a half years, he connects with living tissue, instinctively knowing how she is injured, and what he must do to heal her. It does not feel like it has been five years since he was last truly free to use his powers. It is the most natural thing in the world to find the shadowed corners of her brain and, once he has discovered the injured areas, to bring them back to the light.  
  
This is his gift, and she is his life. He will not fail her.  
  
And, when a new set of flashes begin to push their way into his consciousness - scenes that he recognizes from before Pierce, from before the bridge; scenes he senses she now remembers too - he knows that he has succeeded.  
  
It is only then that he allows himself to relax. But he does not stop kissing her. There is more to this healing than the physical. He is not just healing her, but himself as well. With every brush of her lips, he feels his soul releasing the pain and agony of the past five years. Because, when he is with Liz, there is no White Room. There is no Pierce. There are no five years without her.  
  
There is only peace.  
  
Until he becomes aware of the fact that they are not alone.  
  
He is not certain of exactly when he becomes cognizant of the fact that it is no longer just the two of them in the connection. Perhaps it is when he starts to really see the memories that are not Liz, but are instead who she has been for the past five years. Perhaps it is when she starts to pull away, whispering that she must explain; that there are things they need to talk about now, before he sees and does not understand. Perhaps it is when his heart processes the understanding that she has indeed been lost since they leaped from the bridge, but she has not been alone.  
  
In the end, it does not matter when he realizes the truth of it. It changes everything and, yet, not for the worse. He never imagined that he could welcome anyone into what he shares with Liz, but, almost instantly he accepts it.  
  
Of course, he is momentarily shocked; there is a slight pang of regret that it will never be just the two of them again. But then his heart lightens and the one fear of disappointing her that he has held in his innermost heart, because of the one gift he knows that he will never be able to give her, evaporates and he knows what it means to find true purpose for the first time in his life.  
  
She has not been alone, and she has been sometimes happy, but it does not mean that she has ever stopped being his. Because he has been with her for the past five years. In her heart, as she has been with him, but physically too. Because that was him in those flashes.  
  
He has always hated the word destiny, but he knows that he will never been able to run from his. Fate has not always been kind to him, but it has landed him back in Liz's arms again. He is not going to allow jealousy or anger to interfere with that. They have both been through too much to permit such petty emotions to get in the way. If he ever wants to be happy, then he is just going to have to believe that all things happen for the good.  
  
They will continue to be tested, but the love he has always felt for her will bring them through to the other side.  
  
"I can explain," Liz says quietly. Now that the connection is no longer blocked, he can sense her fear. He aches to reassure her. He does not quite understand all that he has seen - does not yet know the hows or the whens or the whys - but he is not angry.  
  
He knows that she is his. He also senses that the life she carries within her is meant to be his as well. Not fathered by him, but his nonetheless. His child. And, yet, there is a story here that he must allow her to tell, if only to dispel her unease that he will not understand.  
  
But explanations must wait. Because, as he is sitting back on his heels waiting for her to unburden herself, a burning pain pierces his left shoulder. He grimaces, surprised. Then he grabs his stomach, bending at the waist as the same pain, only more intense, stabs him there.  
  
"Max!" Liz exclaims. She grabs him by the shoulders. "What's wrong?"  
  
But he cannot hear her. His eyes are rolling up into his head, and for a strange moment, he is staring up at a blue sky.  
  
A face stares down at him, terror written in every line.  
  
"I bleed," he mutters, not at all afraid when the face above him is obscured by the gun pointing down at him.  
  
Max jerks as he feels the third bullet enter his body.  
  
And, yet, the entire time, he is fully aware that none of this is happening to him. This is another him. He is living this moment with that other self, who - when Max leaves him in this lonely place - will no longer exist.  
  
Max regrets it, but he knows that he must not stay. What is happening here means that he does not have to.  
  
What is happening here means that he cannot stay. He can never go back to the selfish indulgence of blaming himself for all that has gone wrong in the lives of his loved ones. He has more important things to worry about now. The White Room can no longer be allowed to haunt him. He cannot allow that what has happened on this deserted highway ends up being for nothing.  
  
As he leaves, he senses that his other self receives his acceptance, and that he is grateful. Max hopes that he understands fully just how grateful Max is back.  
  
He shakes his head firmly, once more becoming fully aware of Liz, although she has been with him the whole time. She is white-faced, but when she sees that he is again focused on her, she drops to the floor beside him and throws her arms around his neck.  
  
He holds her tightly, but he is not afraid. He knows that whatever that was - whatever horrible nightmare momentarily claimed him - it is over.  
  
For a time there were two, but now there is one. He is the only Max left and he will not allow the gift of it to go to waste.  
  
They are no longer alone. He glances over Liz's shoulder at Sheriff Valenti, who is hovering behind the bench. He does not say anything, but he is obviously concerned.  
  
"Max. It's good to see you, son," the sheriff says when Max has finally climbed to his feet, pulling Liz up with him. She is still trembling.  
  
"Thank you, Sheriff," he replies. "You, too." He glances down at Liz, who is staring up at him, her dark eyes pained. "But we can't stay."  
  
It is the painful truth. What he has learned in the past few minutes has made it so that he knows that he and Liz have one chance to protect the future. And, to do so, they cannot remain in New York. He feels a pang that he will not be able to see Isabel, and Michael, and the others, but they will follow eventually.  
  
For now, Liz - and the precious life growing within her - must be his only concern. 


	21. Chapter 21

[b]Part 21[/b]  
  
When they reach Portland, it is the middle of the night. They check into a crummy motel near the bus station. In spite of the fact that she is weary and there is presently little to smile about, when Liz pushes her way into their room, she does so, slightly. Since Max healed her, memories of her life before the bridge have been returning fast and furious, triggered by the smallest thing. And some of them make her smile.  
  
"What?" Max asks. He is tuned into her constantly, now that the connection has been reopened, just as she is to him. He has not seen her smile, but he has [I]felt[/I] it. Liz's heart contracts at how tired he looks. They did not talk much on the bus, but they did not sleep either. Liz could not, her mind full of all that has happened in the past few hours.  
  
It was too soon to talk, but it was also too soon to sleep. She knows that Max felt the same way.  
  
She thinks he also shares her fear that if she lets herself fall asleep - or even talk - she might wake up and it will all have been a dream. That they are not together and that the one good thing that has happened on this day is merely a figment of both of their imaginations.  
  
"I was just thinking about that crappy motel Michael and Maria checked into on the way to Marathon," Liz replies now. She sits down next to him on the bed. "That place was awful."  
  
"This isn't much better," Max says. She looks at him. He is watching her closely. "It must be strange...having all your memories back."  
  
Liz shrugs. "It is. But, it's not. I can't really explain it." Not even to herself. She remembers things arbitrarily now, and it is like she cannot believe that she once could not recall them. "The worst part is trying to reconcile who I've been with who I was and who I am now. I mean, I've been 'Beth' for five years. She's still [I]me[/I], but she's not. I don't know if I can figure out what it means to be 'Liz' anymore."  
  
"I'm sorry," Max says. "I wish..." He trails off, but Liz hears a thousand different dreams in the silence that follows.  
  
"So do I," Liz whispers. She leans into him, and he brings his arm around her. "This is so weird, Max."  
  
He sighs. "I know. You can talk about it, you know. I'm not going to get upset."  
  
She believes him. The most amazing thing about the experience of being healed by him a second time is that, because she knew what to expect, she was able to focus on it more. And, while it was happening, she practically became him. She now knows for certain that Isabel was right. Max accepts everything that happened while he was away. She wonders how on Earth he can do it - how she can be so lucky? How can one person be so understanding?  
  
Even after the connection there is so much to say, she does not know where to start. But, then, in some ways, she does not even want to start. She wishes they could go back to before any of this ever happened, when they were still young and it was uncomplicated. Or as uncomplicated as it could be considering one of them was not of this Earth.  
  
Another memory filters through her mind, bittersweet and now marked with regret.  
  
[I] Let's just keep running, you and me, away from here, away from everything. I see everything so clearly now. We'll go someplace where no one knows us. As long as we're together, nothing else matters. [/I]  
  
She wonders how things would have been different had they run away then, as teenagers. She shakes her head firmly. It is no good wishing for what can never be.  
  
And, yet, she realizes that it is exactly what they have now done. Run away. It is still as true now as it was back then. Neither of them wants to admit that anything else matters when they are together. But it does not change that the world insists on getting in. They must discuss where they are to go from here.  
  
She starts carefully. "It's been so long, but to me, it almost feels like no time has passed. I'm like two people. I'm Beth, who has lived five years dreaming about someone she didn't even remember. And then I'm Liz, who jumped off a bridge with you, and it feels like that was yesterday."  
  
"I want to know Beth too," Max tells her.  
  
"I know you do," Liz replies. "But I don't know if I can hold onto her. So much of who she was is wrapped up in things that can never be again."  
  
There is a long moment of silence. "You're talking about him," Max finally says quietly.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"I connected with him, you know," Max reveals abruptly, making Liz blink.  
  
"You did?"  
  
There is another silence. "Liz, I don't quite no how to tell you this..." He trails off again, his pain for her obvious. She sighs at the unfairness of it. With all he has endured over the past five years, the thought that he is forced to feel sorry for her saddens her. She also knows that it is not what Zan would want.  
  
"I know he's dead," she tells him. She shifts, looking up at Max. His golden eyes are shadowed, but she can feel his sense of helplessness. He does not know what to say in this situation. Who would? It is beyond any normal circumstance that any normal person should ever have to deal with.  
  
[I]What's so great about normal?[/I]  
  
She smiles sadly. She realizes that, still, in spite of everything, she can not wish for normal. She just cannot do it.  
  
Not if it means never having felt the way she does about the man sitting beside her on this lumpy bed in this crummy motel room.  
  
Not if it means that the life growing within her would not exist. Because she loves it already and knows that everything that has happened is so that he or she can come into the world. She does not know why this is meant to be, but Lonnie - and Zan - were right that, in time, she would understand the sacrifice Zan made. Because now she does.  
  
It makes her feel guilty that she feels like it was all worth it, just to bring her and Max to this moment. But she knows now that this is their cross to bear to be together. They will always feel guilty. Yet, she will never love him - or the baby - any less. She could more easily rip out her own heart.  
  
Why she loves Max is reinforced by his next words. His next words are just so [I]him[/I] and she quite simply loves everything about him.  
  
He is still the same. Curious in spite of himself. Willing to deal with and talk about the things he might not like and might not understand, because he knows they are important. She remembers how he always used to consider himself careful. But he was not. Not really. When it came right down to it, Max always did what had to be done, searching for the truth of who he really was as ardently as Michael, but in his own more considered way.  
  
"Can you tell me about him?" Max asks gently. "If it's too hard, I understand, but I don't even get who he was."  
  
Liz knew the question would come eventually. After all, Max knows nothing of the dupes, nor of Langley, or the granolith. He is even more in the dark about the past five years than she is. And, yet, she is still unprepared for it. She knew it would come, because he is Max, but she does not quite know what to tell him.  
  
How can she tell him that Zan was his replacement, his placeholder, and, in the end, his saviour? How can she tell him how much Zan meant to her; that, although he was never quite right in her heart, for a long time, in her mind, he was the [I]one[/I]? That he [I]was[/I] Max?  
  
How can she tell Max that she is now carrying his duplicate's child and there will forever be a reminder that, for a time, she forgot him?  
  
How can she tell him that, although she knows it is wrong, she believes that, in the end, it was all worth it? That their separation, his torture, her loss of herself and, yes, even Zan's death, were worth it?  
  
But, she knows Max, and she knows he will understand. He will always understand. Just as Zan did. Because, although they are different - and the way she feels about them is different - in so many ways, they are the same.  
  
"I can tell you whatever you want to know," she says. She reaches up, placing her hands on both sides of his face. "But I need you to know one thing before we get into any of it."  
  
"Okay," Max says, sounding afraid, but also determined.  
  
"I need you to understand what I think I'm beginning to get. The reason why it all happened is because you are the one, Max. You are the one person in this world that I need in my life. I think it's part of the reason that my memory wouldn't come back. Because I couldn't have survived the thought of what had happened to you if it did. So my mind protected me for all these years. It made me forget you so that I could go on. Survive. But then it all just got confused when I met Zan." She pauses, feeling tears fill her eyes, because she knows that what she is about to say is going to hurt him. "But all of that...It doesn't negate the fact that I loved him. Not how I love you, but I did."  
  
He lowers his head, so that their foreheads are touching. She feels minutely better, but her heart is still thundering in her chest, because he does not say anything for the longest time. She can almost sense the wheels turning in his head as he processes what she has said, and as he formulates a reply.  
  
Finally he says, "I want you to feel like you can mourn him." She closes her eyes. He is so good. How can he possibly be so good, after all that has happened to him? How can what Pierce did to him not have wiped this out of him? But, she understands that it his goodness, and his ability to accept the failings of others, that makes him Max. And it is what has helped him survive through hell.  
  
"And I want you to know something too, Liz," he continues softly. "Your child..." She feels her eyes widen. He knows! How can he possibly know? She barely knows! "I hope it can be our child."  
  
She starts to cry in earnest then. She senses that he knows that there will be no more talking this night, as he gently removes her jacket and shoes, and then lies down with her, pulling her into his arms.  
  
This is how, after she decided on the bus that she will do anything to make Max forget the hell he has lived through in the past five years, he ends up comforting [I]her[/I] while she cries herself to sleep. 


	22. Chapter 22

Part 22  
  
He does not want to sleep. He does not want to leave consciousness, for fear that when he wakes, all this will prove to be a figment of his imagination. He does not want to leave her again, even if only in slumber. She needs him. She has been strong long enough. He must be her strength now. He must stay awake.  
  
But exhaustion eventually wins out over will, and the soft sound of Liz's breathing finally lulls him to sleep close to dawn.  
  
"Max."  
  
He is back on the bridge, looking over the ledge at the water below. It is calm and he knows that Liz will still be there when he wakes up.  
  
He turns his head, taking in Isabel, who is standing next to him. She smiles at him, her joy obvious. "She found you," she says, obviously relieved. She reaches out and hugs him, and he knows that this is truly his sister, that she has dreamwalked him, and that, for the first time in five years, he has let her. There is no more need to save them by staying away - at least not on the dream plain.  
  
Thanks to Zan, the danger from which he has been protecting them is no longer a threat. Pierce is dead - Max knows this from the connection he established with his duplicate as he died; he knows that Zan did not leave this world alone and, so, finally, they will all be safe.  
  
And, yet, he knows that he and Liz must still keep their distance, at least until the baby is born, just to be sure. They cannot risk coming out into the open anytime soon, in case the Special Unit is keeping an eye open for any strange goings on. They think Max is dead, but they will still watch his family to be sure. But it does not mean that their friends and family can not come to them eventually, when Pierce's minions finally give up. He is excited at the prospect, but he is also glad to have this time alone with Liz. In the meantime, though, it is good to see Izzy.  
  
He hugs his sister tightly, then steps back and looks at her. She is still as lovely as ever, but her eyes reflect the strain the last few years have caused. She has grieved for him, and knowing he is alive has not quite yet registered.  
  
"It's good to see you, Iz," he tells her.  
  
"Where are you?" Isabel asks. "We're worried, Max."  
  
He grimaces. "I better not tell you just yet. There are things you don't know. We need to make sure that you won't be followed. And you can't all come at once."  
  
"We understand that," Isabel replies. "It's just hard, that's all."  
  
"I know."  
  
"I'm sorry, Max," Isabel says, tears filling her dark eyes. "I'm sorry I gave up on you."  
  
"It's what I wanted you to do, Iz," Max says. "There was no way for you to help me. It was best that you stayed safe."  
  
"We would have found you if you'd just let us, Max," Isabel argues. "It wasn't right, what you did."  
  
"I know that now," Max replies. "But you have to understand..." He trails off, not wanting to hurt her more by revealing the more selfish reason he stayed with Pierce. He was thinking of them, but he is forced to acknowledge that it was not the only reason he did not let them find him.  
  
"You thought Liz was dead," Isabel says. "We do understand, Max. We get it. But I hope you get that it wasn't your fault."  
  
He doesn't respond, but says, "I am sorry, Isabel. I know you suffered."  
  
"Not like you did," she replies. She hugs him again. "I'm just glad that you're back."  
  
"Me too."  
  
And he is. He is glad to be back among the living. He is glad that he has a purpose, at last. He will live to love Liz and he will be a father to the child she carries. He will protect them and he will love them and he will thank whatever God there might be for giving him a second chance at both.  
  
"Not that they belong to you. He died for them. You weren't even brave enough to do that."  
  
Max whirls. The dream shifts and he feels Isabel lose control of it. She slips away, disappearing as abruptly as she came.  
  
Because this no longer a dream. It has become a nightmare.  
  
It is Pierce and he is walking towards Max, a smirk on his face. "I can see that you're as verbose as ever, Max. Thought I was dead, did you?"  
  
"You are dead," Max replies, his heart thundering in his chest. He knows, even in a nightmare, that this is true.  
  
But this knowledge does not stop Nightmare Pierce from moving forward. "As long as you remember me, I will live," Pierce replies. "And I won't ever let you forget. Oh, no."  
  
"You're dead!" Max exclaims, more firmly, determined that he will not let the monster win in this way. He will not haunt him from beyond the grave.  
  
"I will never be dead, Max. Never." Pierce replies. He reaches out and places gentle hands on Max's shoulders. "You will never leave this bridge. This bridge will forever bind us together." He leans forward and whispers into Max's ear, as he has done so many times before. "And, when you finally jump...when you just can't take it anymore...then I will come for your child."  
  
Max stares at him in horror. The next thing he knows, he is falling through the air, towards the calm water below. He sees Pierce staring down at him from the bridge as he hits the water, which closes instantly over his head.  
  
He jerks awake. He can feel Liz's breath on his ear, as she whispers, "It's all right. You're safe. Max, wake up." And, as simply as that, he feels another shift. She becomes his protector, his strength.  
  
"What happened?" he asks, reaching up and rubbing at his eyes. He can feel his heart thundering in his chest, but he does not remember why.  
  
"I think you were having a nightmare," Liz explains. "You were shaking in your sleep and it woke me up." They are facing each other on the pillows and her hand reaches out and gently pushes his hair away from his eyes so that he cannot hide from her.  
  
He meets her gaze. He feels embarrassed that he has so quickly shown weakness. "Sorry. I'm sure it was nothing." So much for being the strong one, he reflects, annoyed at himself. He is aware that he is psychologically screwed up beyond even his own comprehension, thanks to Pierce, but he does not want Liz to know. She has enough grief to cope with. He knows that he will eventually recover anyway. After all, being with Liz is the only cure he needs.  
  
"You don't have to apologize," Liz replies. He watches her bite her lip and he knows that she is wondering how far she should pursue this. "You didn't yell," she finally says abruptly. It is a strange thing to say, so he does not respond. He waits for her to continue. "Most people, when they're living nightmares, they cry out."  
  
He closes his eyes, finding the gentle probing in her expression. He knows that she is not talking about the present nightmare from which she just woke him. She is talking about his entire time with Pierce.  
  
Because, she is right. After Pierce captured him the second time, through it all, he never cried out. Not once. It was the one control he had over the situation in which he found himself and he also refused to give Pierce the satisfaction. He would not let Pierce in, even that much. Pierce would never truly own him, would never know him. Max refused to allow it and vocalizing the effectiveness of the agent's torture would have started Max down the path where it might have become a reality.  
  
But Pierce was not the only reason he did not cry out. There was only one person whose presence might have saved him an ounce of torture anyway and, while he was with Pierce, he had thought her dead. There was no Liz to turn to, to call for, and so there had been no point in yelling out at all.  
  
Now she is here and he is aware that she wants to know something of what he lived through. But he does not think that he can tell her. He cannot put it into words. It is too near still, too fresh. The fact that she is really able to listen is still almost incomprehensible. He still has not completely grasped that she is alive. And if he reveals exactly how much Pierce's insanity messed him up, he will be admitting that he let the bastard get to him.  
  
Her hands are tracing his face now, and he opens his eyes again. She leans into him and kisses him gently on the lips. "You don't have to tell me," she says. "I already know, Max. Just like you know about me, I know about you." Much to his chagrin, tears fill her dark eyes. "I'm so sorry."  
  
Everything shifts again and she is the one who needs comforting. Max understands suddenly that this is how it will be. They will heal each other in stages, taking turns, slowly repairing the damage that the past five years have wrought. It is how it should be. They will be the stronger for it.  
  
He does not always have to be the strong one. They will be strong together.  
  
"For what?" Max demands. He cups her face with his hands, brushing her tears away with his thumbs. "Liz, there's nothing to be sorry about. I'm just so glad that you're alive. I don't care what happened while I was gone. I mean, I care that you had to go through so much alone, but I'm glad that it wasn't always that way."  
  
"That's not what I mean," Liz replies. She moves so that her face is pressed to his shoulder. "It was my fault," she whispers. "It was my job to get you away from there and I didn't. And that's why everything that happened after that happened. I forgot you because I couldn't deal with it. I left Roswell and I left you in the hands of that psychopath. But that's not even the worst part. It all happened to you because of me. If you hadn't healed me that day in the Crashdown, Pierce never would have even known that you existed."  
  
Her tears are cold against his neck and a shiver descends his spine. He can feel the weight of her guilt through their connection. He knows that she needs absolution, but he also knows that she is aware that he does not blame her for anything. The words he will tell her will not be enough. Not if she is not ready to forgive herself.  
  
But he tries anyway.  
  
"It's not true," Max says firmly. "You know it's not true, Liz. There was nothing you could have done about it. You couldn't stop me from healing you, any more than you could stop what Pierce did to me. He was the evil one, not you. He is the only one to blame." He pulls back, making her look at him. "Don't you get it? It was because of you that I survived it. And I'm not just talking about Pierce. I'm talking about being who I am. Knowing that you loved me, which never could have happened without the shooting...It was the only thing that made me glad to be who I am. I would never change any of it. Ever. What happened with Pierce...If it was the price I had to pay to be with you, then I would gladly pay it ten times over."  
  
"Max, I know you mean it, but you don't understand..." She trails off, sighing. "God, how do I tell you this? I don't know how to tell you."  
  
"Liz, you can tell me anything."  
  
"I know I can." She smiles sadly. "And I know you're going to say that you don't care about any of it. That's not the problem."  
  
"Then what is it?" He runs his hands down her arms in reassurance. He can feel that she needs to unburden herself, and that she needs to do it orally. He will know soon enough, through the connection, but she wants to tell him herself.  
  
She needs it, just as he needs not to tell her what happened to him in the White Room. He is not ready. Not yet, anyway.  
  
"The worst part of everything," Liz whispers, "is that, before I went to sleep, I realized that I thought it was all worth it. That losing my memory, losing you, even Zan's death...It was all worth it."  
  
"Because of the baby?" he asks carefully. He knows that they are treading on very fragile ground here - that any misstep on his part might result in her never being able to accept that it was all worth it. Because he realizes that he believes it was too.  
  
He also believes that it was, quite simply, meant to be.  
  
He remembers once upon a time, when Tess told him about his destiny. That he was meant to be with her. He knows now that he was right to reject that idea. He knew he was fated to be with Liz. He still knows it. He didn't believe in destiny then, and he still doesn't believe that your path can be completely decided for you. But he does now understand that destiny and fate are forever entwined. Fate shapes destiny. He sees now that he was destined to have a child on this planet. He was given a second chance at life to do so. It was decreed in the book Tess showed him, but fate has made it all come out a little bit different.  
  
The child will not be with Tess. It will be Liz's child, which is all he could have ever hoped for.  
  
The child will be his, but also not, because he is not its real father. In his heart, and in its DNA, he is, but he was not part of the creation. He knows that, because of Pierce, he never could have been. Because Pierce was his fate, just as much as Liz was. To be with Liz, he had to endure Pierce, and it was worth it.  
  
But Pierce also meant that he would never father a child. And, so, destiny stepped in again.  
  
The fact that Zan found Liz - that in spite of the great odds against it, he found her and he was the only one to whom she ever opened up during her five lost years - is proof enough that destiny can not be denied. This child is meant to be, at any cost, and it was always fated to be Liz's, because he chose her on the day he healed her in the Crashdown. After that day, this child never could have been anyone else's.  
  
But because he chose Liz, Pierce found him, and he could not be the real father. And, yet, he knows that they are meant to raise the baby together.  
  
Until Liz understands this, she will never be able to get beyond her guilt. He can not feel guilty any longer. He felt Zan die, but before that, he felt Zan's love for this child. He felt that Zan knew that he, Max, would protect Liz, but also the baby, raising it as his own. He felt Zan give him his blessing to do so. Because Zan understood destiny too. He could have been angry about it, but he was not. In those few instants before his life was snuffed out to protect his child - after he had rid the world of the greatest threat to them all - Max felt Zan's acceptance of the role he had to play.  
  
For Zan, it was worth it. Because for three years he had known joy with Liz. It had been more than he had ever been fated to know. Because fate had made Liz, Max's and Max, Liz's. Fate had caused the shooting in the Crashdown that day, but destiny still wanted a part of it.  
  
Max is tired of running. He will accept his destiny, just as Zan did, and he will be grateful that fate has been kind enough to mold destiny in a way that he can be happy to live his life.  
  
Fate brought him Liz. Destiny brought him this child. He cannot feel guilty about any of it. Not anymore.  
  
But Liz can. And she does not deserve it. Zan would not have wanted it. And, although she knows this intellectually, until she understands the great magnitude of how this child came to be, she will never truly be able to accept it.  
  
She is crying softly against his chest. He knows that he must find the words to make her understand that some things cannot be controlled. The irony of the fact that he now understands this, after all the years he tried to control everything by staying with Pierce, is not lost on him.  
  
"Liz, I told you I connected with Zan."  
  
She stiffens against him. He strokes her back soothingly.  
  
"He knew about the baby," Max says quietly. "He chose to do what he did to save his child. Our child."  
  
There is a long silence. Liz finally says, "I know. Lonnie told me he knew."  
  
Max sighs helplessly. He was sure that knowing that Zan had died to protect his child would make her see that she could not have stopped him. That Zan had been a hero because he had actually made his own destiny. And, because he had done so, he had allowed Max and Liz to live out the love they were fated to share.  
  
"Max."  
  
He looks at her, barely able to mask his frustration. He cannot bear to live with the thought that she is going to carry this guilt forever.  
  
"You can't fix everything, you know."  
  
He blinks. "What?"  
  
"I know you want to fix this - that you don't want me to feel any of this. But you can't stop it. It's what is." She looks down, then says quietly, "I won't ever stop feeling it, but it doesn't mean I can't live with it."  
  
"Liz, I want you to be happy," Max tells her.  
  
"I am happy," Liz replies. "Just being with you makes me happy. But it doesn't erase everything. We have to stop running away. And I'm not talking about physically. I mean inside. We have to start accepting that regret and sadness will always be a part of living. Nothing is ever perfect." She lays her cheek against his chest, sighing. "But being with you is so close, it will sometimes make it really hard for us to remember it. Which has to be enough."  
  
They lie there quietly for a long time, each absorbing the truth that they will never quite escape the guilt of all that has happened. Max realizes that Liz is right, though. It is wrong to try and run from it. Doing so defiles all the suffering that has come before. It does not mean that it was not worth it, but it also does not mean that they should not remember how high a price they paid - that Zan paid - to bring them to the point where they have a chance to live a happy life.  
  
"We have to be able to talk about it," Liz finally whispers. "If we hide from it, pretending that everything's okay, then it will eat us up from the inside." She moves so that she is looking at him directly again. "We have to be able to talk about it, Max."  
  
He knows that she is no longer talking about her guilt and pain. He looks away for a moment, then lets out a long breath. He feels the wall that surrounds Pierce come tumbling down, knowing that she is right.  
  
It is in that moment that he remembers his nightmare. He remembers losing Isabel again, and he remembers Pierce taking over the dream, threatening his child - threatening his future happiness.  
  
He will not let Pierce win.  
  
And, so, he tells her. He tells her everything. Slowly, at first, but gradually picking up speed until the words are tumbling out. He relives every horrible moment of those five years, and it takes much longer than he ever imagined it would. They were long, those years, but the physical torture was nothing compared to the horror that he had been responsible for Liz's death.  
  
He tells her this too and she weeps. He does not cry through any of it. It is only in the stillness after he finishes that he feels a lump enter his throat. Her gentle hands stroke his hair and it brings the final wall down.  
  
It is then, after it is all out in the open, that he cries. 


	23. Chapter 23

[b]Part 23[/b]  
  
One day, months later, Liz opens the door of the small apartment she shares with Max to find Maria and Isabel standing there. She stares at them in astonishment for a long moment, then steps aside, allowing them entrance.  
  
"God," Isabel breathes, her eyes running over Liz. "Look at you!" She then scans the room anxiously. "Where is he?"  
  
"He went for a run," Liz replies. She is still in shock. But overwhelming that feeling is a sense of acute pleasure. She knows that she has missed her friends, but it is not until she lays eyes on them again that she realizes just how much.  
  
"How are you?" Maria demands, before reaching out and pulling Liz into a fierce hug. "I know we weren't supposed to come, but Isabel and I just couldn't let it go." She glances at Isabel. "We had to see for ourselves that you were both okay."  
  
"We're okay," Liz reassures them, before moving to hug Isabel. Max's sister is still staring at Liz's middle, her eyes slightly glazed.  
  
"Isabel, stop looking at her like you've never seen a pregnant woman before," Maria finally snaps. She rolls her eyes at Liz.  
  
"It's okay," Liz says softly. "I know it's kind of weird."  
  
"I'm sorry," Isabel insists, after shaking her head firmly. She stares at Liz, hard. "But, Liz, you need to tell me. And you need to be honest. Are you guys really ready for this? On top of everything?"  
  
Liz takes a step back, sighing. She knows that Isabel needs convincing, but she does not quite know where to start. Because, in the end, it is not ridiculous for Isabel to believe that the last thing she and Max need right now is the responsibility for another life.  
  
They do not understand that it is waiting for this child which is helping them to rebuild the lives that were lost for so long.  
  
They stay in Portland for three months. They spend the time exorcising their demons, being in silent accord that, before they make any decisions about what is to come, they need to confront and accept the past. They know that they can not forget it, but they also do not want it haunting them into the future.  
  
Later, when they look back on Portland, it is not always fondly. It is a difficult time, but it is also a necessary time. Liz mourns Zan there, while Max struggles to eliminate Pierce from his dreams. Eventually they learn that the mourning will not end and the nightmares will endure. But, after Portland, they know that together they can survive both.  
  
Portland is not all dark. Every night they talk into the small hours. They yearn to know each other again, only to discover that neither has really changed. They are older, but they are also the same. They have both lived apart from real life during their separation. Liz's amnesia was a sort of captivity, while Max never grew up, and so never became who he is meant to be. Because of it, in many ways, they are the same Max and Liz - the Max and Liz who jumped off a bridge and lived to tell of it. It is five years later, they are five years older, but they are still the same.  
  
But, they also realize that they are no longer sixteen years old. Even though, most days, they both wish they were, they understand that they must grow up fast. They understand that they were both released from their respective prisons for a reason. That reason is not only each other, but also the small being that grows more real every day. They both believe this.  
  
One night, finally, there is no more time for tears. There is no more time for nightmares. Liz wakes in the darkness, her head cradled on Max's chest. She senses that he is also awake. His breathing is erratic, and for a moment she thinks that he has had another nightmare. She is moving to comfort him, when she feels it again. She gasps slightly, and then tears fill her eyes.  
  
"Did you feel that?" she whispers, knowing that he did. It is why he is awake. He has been connected to this child since the very beginning. Now, finally, she too senses the small life moving in her womb. And, finally, it is entirely real.  
  
"Yes," he replies quietly. "God, Liz. It's just...I mean..."  
  
"Amazing," she breathes. She places a hand on her rounded stomach. The pregnancy is only three and a half months along but, because she is small, her middle has not been entirely flat for weeks. She feels the flutter against her hand, and she swallows against the lump in her throat.  
  
She reaches out and takes Max's hand, bringing it against her. His touch is gentle, but she can feel him trembling.  
  
"Are you okay?" she whispers. He has been so wonderful, and is as excited about the baby as she is. She knows this through the connection, but sometimes she worries. After all, in the end, this is not his child and he must feel it at times.  
  
"I'm fine," Max says. "I just...We can't stay here anymore, Liz. We need to get on with our lives."  
  
She knows that he is not just talking about Portland. He is talking about the state of stasis in which they exist. They have both lived through hell, but they are Max and Liz, and they love each other. It is what they know. It is all they need to know. But now it is time to understand how this fundamental fact will shape their future.  
  
"We need to make a life for this baby," Max whispers. He kisses her then. The connection springs to life and she feels just how much he loves this child. He considers the baby a gift - one he never expected, one he never dared hope for, even before the dark days with Pierce.  
  
That night, before falling asleep in each others arms as usual, they make love for the first time. And, in so doing, they take the next step into the future they are fated - destined - to share with each other. But also with their child.  
  
"Okay, we're alone," Maria says. She has pulled Liz into the tiny bathroom. "Now, tell me the truth. How are things, really?"  
  
Liz maneuvers her bulk in the tiny space to seat herself on the toilet seat. "Don't you think Max knows we're talking about him?" she asks wryly. Her husband has returned from his run and is now in the living room with his sister.  
  
"Well, duh," Maria snaps. "But I'm not rude enough to do it in front of him. I am, however, rude enough to demand some answers. Emails and phone calls are all well and good, Liz, but I need some face time."  
  
Liz smiles slightly. "I'm so glad you're here, Maria."  
  
Maria eyes her for a moment. "Even though you told us not to come?"  
  
"I'm glad you came," Liz repeats.  
  
Maria reaches forward and hugs Liz again. "I'm glad you're you, Liz." Liz hears the tears in her best friend's voice and she hugs her back, hard.  
  
"I know that was hard for you," she says quietly. "Me not knowing you."  
  
"Not as hard as it was for you. And I wouldn't have cared if you had stayed that way. You were back. It was enough. But this is better," Maria replies. She pulls back, wiping at her eyes. "God! I'm tired of crying. Liz, seeing you is a good thing. Why am I always crying?"  
  
"Crying's healthy," Liz says. "Everyone's been through a lot."  
  
"Not as much as you two have," Maria argues. "And you're both so strong. I don't know how you can be doing this." She gestures down at Liz's burgeoning belly. "I mean, on top of everything else. What were you two thinking?" She pauses, grimacing. "Well, I know what you were thinking. But, are you sure this is a good idea? How can you bring a baby into this mess?"  
  
Liz swallows, then brings her hand to rest gently on her stomach. She and Max have not told their friends the truth about the baby. They have not discussed it, nor has Max asked her not to, but they have not told anyone.  
  
Of course, Lonnie, and Ava, and Rath all know. Liz is aware that it is not really fair that the others do not, because there is no question that Zan's siblings will play a part in this child's life. The others need to be apprised of the truth of the situation.  
  
No, there is no question that Zan's brother and sisters will play a part, Liz reflects, still grateful that this is so.  
  
And, so, because they will know soon enough anyway, she says, "Maria, there's something I need to tell you..."  
  
It is early morning and so, when Max answers the door, he is drinking coffee. It is the shattering of the cup against the hard wood floor that brings Liz racing out of their bedroom. The sound has made Liz's heart enter her throat. For one horrible instant she envisions the Special Unit invading their new sanctuary, but when she hears the voice, she feels tears fill her eyes instead.  
  
"I came because Lonnie and Rath...they thought it might be too hard for you," Ava says after she is seated at the small kitchen table. She is looking at Max. "I'm sorry I scared ya. But it had to be me. We heard that you haven't seen Isabel or Michael yet."  
  
"It's okay," Max says calmly. Too calmly. Liz sits beside him. She takes his hand under the table. She knows that it is hard for him to see Ava too. After all, he and Tess were not exactly on the best of terms the last time he saw her. Max does not really know Tess at all, just remembers how she tried to trick him into loving her. But she is still a part of who he is, and he does want to see her eventually. Liz is sure that he did not expect that he would see her, but as Ava first.  
  
"We asked them to stay away," Liz continues, squeezing Max's hand. "Just until we're settled. To make sure that we're off the Special Unit's radar."  
  
"Figured as much," Ava says. She pauses, glancing down at the table-top. "Listen, we just wanted to let you know...we're not going to interfere or nothin'."  
  
Liz glances at Max. He nods slightly, which prompts her to ask gently, "What do you mean? We've talked about it and we both want you to be a part of the baby's life."  
  
Ava swallows, looking up. Liz watches her eyes run over Max's face, then become glued to the table again. "We want to, but..."  
  
"I know it's hard," Max says quietly. "I know it's hard for you to look at me. I know what he did for me, Ava. I hope you all know that I'm not trying to take his place. I don't want Liz - or this baby - to forget about him."  
  
Ava raises her head and meets his eyes. "Thanks. It means a lot." Then she blurts, "It was hard for him. Knowing that he was just taking your place. But he accepted it," she adds hastily.  
  
"It wasn't totally like that, Ava," Liz says. "I loved Zan, too."  
  
"I know," Ava replies. "I wasn't saying nothing." She is getting upset, so her careful grammar is suffering. Liz feels a pang of affection for her friend. This can not be allowed to happen. They can not just let Ava, and Rath, and Lonnie walk away. Ava continues, "It don't matter none anyway. He's gone. We need to move on. It's dangerous for us to all be around the kid. We know that."  
  
"We'll figure something out," Max insists firmly. "Because of what Zan did, we have the freedom to do that."  
  
"Because of what Zan did, we can't risk it," Ava replies softly. "But we want you to know that we trust you to love this baby. Zan trusted you, so we do too. And we'll always keep our eyes and ears open, to make sure that everything's okay."  
  
Liz swallows, trying to get rid of the lump in her throat. "Ava, this isn't what we want. It's not right."  
  
"It's not," Max agrees. "This baby needs all of us. Including you three. Everything that has happened, has happened for a reason. We can't afford to screw this up now." He frowns. "We can't let you bow out."  
  
Ava is staring at Max, as though she has seen a ghost. "Man, you really are like him, aren't you?" she finally mutters, but she sounds slightly amused. Liz can tell that Ava is moving past the hardest stages of grief, into the period when memories of the missed love one become bittersweet, instead of painful.  
  
"I'm not him," Max reminds her. "But I know what he would have wanted. And you three disappearing from our baby's life is not it."  
  
Ava stays for the rest of the day and, by the end of it, they have convinced her. She leaves, agreeing to return with Lonnie and Rath in time for the birth.  
  
Liz is happy, knowing that all the pieces of the large puzzle that will comprise her beloved baby's future are falling into place. 


	24. Chapter 24

Part 24 - Conclusion

The corn is high. Max wonders why he notices when he pulls the car to the side of the deserted highway. He does though, and he mentions it to Liz. She nods, not finding the comment strange.

They all sit quietly for several long moments. Finally Max turns his head and regards his son, who is staring out the window. "Are you sure this is it?"

"Yup," Sam replies. He is twelve now, and has a tendency to communicate with as few words as possible.

"What do you want to do, Sweetie?" Liz asks.

"I just want to sit for a minute," Sam says.

"Okay," Max replies.

"Max, what are you thinking?" Isabel demands quietly. She has spent the last five minutes hugging him, so it is the first thing she has said to him since he returned from his run. It is now only the two of them. Maria has pulled Liz into the bathroom for a private talk. Max suspects that it is partly to give him time alone with his sister, but he also suspects that Maria is asking Liz pretty much the same question.

They knew the questions would come of course. He just did not expect Isabel to be quite so direct. He has forgotten what it is like to talk to his sister.

He is still adjusting to the fact that Isabel is here at all. He and Liz have been so wrapped up in themselves for so many months, it is strange to be talking to anyone other than his wife.

His wife. Liz is his wife. He savours the words as they run through his mind. He will never tire of saying them, nor thinking them, nor living them.

"What do you mean?" he asks, refocusing on his sister.

Isabel's hands are clenched in her lap. "Max, I know it's not yours," she whispers urgently, glancing towards the bathroom. She hesitates slightly, then asks tentatively, "You do know that, right?"

Max eyes her for a long moment. "Of course I know, Iz," he replies mildly. He is not angry, maybe a little annoyed that she might think that Liz would not have told him, but mostly curious. Because, how does Isabel know?

"You know about Zan?" She wants reassurance. He can sense her concern for him. He has forgotten what it feels like. It has been so long since he has allowed anyone to worry about him. Too long. It feels nice.

"I know," Max assures her. "What I want to know is how you know," he continues. "That the baby isn't mine, I mean." He pauses, then adds firmly, "Technically, of course. In every way that counts, he is."

Isabel grimaces slightly. "I've been talking to Lonnie. Through dreamwalks. She told me."

"Your duplicate?" Max asks, surprised. "Why? Liz told me you guys wanted nothing to do with them."

Isabel meets his eyes. "Because her brother trusted her enough to tell her what he was doing before he did it," she says. It is harsh, and the arrow hits home, but Max does not flinch. He knows that Isabel needs to unleash some of her anger, some of her frustration that he did not allow her to find him.

He is prepared for it, but it does not mean that he knows what to say to her. He cannot change what he has done, but he can make sure not to lie to her now. It is all he is capable of doing.

"I'm sorry, Iz." Because he is. It is not a lie. But he also knows that he would not change anything.

No regrets. He and Liz have made the pact, and he will not break it. Not even for Isabel.

"Were you going to tell us?" Isabel asks. She no longer sounds angry, just tired.

"Yes," Max says.

"Were you going to tell me yourself that you can't have kids?"

Max shrugs. "I thought you'd eventually figure out that part on your own."

"How long have you known, Max?" she whispers. "How long did he torture you with it?"

"A couple of years," Max replies. It is not difficult for him to talk about it. While the radiation was happening, it did not really concern him. It did not hurt particularly, at least in comparison to other things Pierce did to him, and he knew that he was never going to have children anyway. Pierce thought that ensuring that he was the last of his kind was the ultimate punishment, but he never really understood Max. He did not understand that, with Liz dead, children were an impossibility for Max anyway. "The only reason I was upset about it at all was once I knew that Liz was alive," he adds. "And now that doesn't even matter. It's not a big deal, Iz."

"Max, it is," Isabel retorts. "I know that it is."

"No, you don't, Isabel," Max tells her. "The child Liz is carrying is mine. He trusted me to believe that, and I do." He takes her hand in his. It makes her look at him, and he says seriously, "And you have to believe it too. All of you do."

"Max..."

"Isabel, this baby is important. He is important for so many reasons, but the main one is that I need him. Liz and I both need him. Can you understand that, without knowing he's coming, we might not be able to find our way out of the dark?"

Tears gleam in Isabel's dark eyes. "Oh, Max."

He pulls her toward him gently. As he hugs her, his hand cups the back of her neck in the way it always has. It is amazing how, even after five years, his body remembers how he has always comforted his sister. It has always been so, after all. Since the day they came out of the pods, he has been her protector. But now it is time for her to understand that they must both protect someone else.

"Can you understand, Isabel?" he asks again. "Because, if you can't, then we're going to have a problem."

She pulls back, nodding. "I understand, Max." She smiles tremulously. "He's yours." She pauses, then adds firmly, "He's all of ours."

After several long minutes, Sam opens the car door. Max and Liz exchange a glance. Max reaches out and squeezes his wife's hand before they follow him.

A lone car is passing, so Max is forced to wait a minute before joining his wife and son. When he makes it to the far side of the vehicle, Sam is crouching. The boy picks up a handful of gravel, then lets it run through his fingers. The sun glints off his dark hair, revealing the reddish highlights he has inherited from his mother. Liz wants him to cut it, but Max knows why he wears it longer. He is at an age where he is embarrassed by his ears. He will outgrow it.

They both know that he will not outgrow wanting to know who he really is. It is why they are here today. Sam asked if they could come on their way to Colorado, where they are meeting everyone else for an early Thanksgiving. They do not wonder how he knew where to direct them. There are some things that they do not try to explain.

"No flash," he says, sounding disappointed. "There's nothing here."

Max lowers himself beside his son. "Close your eyes," he says softly. "He's here."

Max knows this is true. He can feel him. Zan lives in the boy beside him, but he also lives here, where he made his sacrifice. It is what drew Sam to this deserted highway in the first place.

Zan is everywhere here, in the spot where he gave up his life so that Max could live his. Where he died so that this child could be safe.

The baby comes late in the fall.

The day before, Liz is walking in the park, marveling at the trees and their beautiful, coloured leaves. She is surprised that she does not miss the city. She loved New York, but New York belongs to Zan. She is glad that she and Max live in a small town. It is right. They grew up together in a small town, and now they will grow old together in a small town. They will make this their home and they will keep their child safe here.

She and Max are alone for the first time in days. Everyone has arrived for the birth, including her parents and Max's. It has not been easy and, finally, today, she has demanded that Max take her away for a while.

Liz's parents are overwhelmed by it all. They never quite accepted that their daughter was gone, but are now adjusting with difficulty to the fact that she is alive, pregnant, and married to an alien. They love her, of course, but they are over-protective and fearful. Liz knows that if her mother asks her one more time how she is feeling, she will lose her mind.

Max's parents have proven slightly less difficult, but not by much. Isabel told them the truth years ago, and they are overjoyed to have their son back. They, however, still complain that they cannot move to Max and Liz's small town in Canada. It is not that they do not understand that nothing in Roswell can change - that Max and Liz are safe so long as they stay off the FBI's radar - but they are disappointed. Liz suspects that, deep down, the Evans cannot allow themselves to grasp exactly what their son has been through, nor what Zan sacrificed so that he could escape it. Liz knows that Max thinks it is better that this is so. He does not want his parents to be hurt any more than they already have.

While Max and Liz feel that it is safest to continue to live mostly in isolation, at least for the first years of the baby's life, when the question of everyone visiting arose, really, there was no choice. How could they turn any of them away? They all want to support Max and Liz, and, after everything they have all been through, there was no way to say no. They did not want to say no.

Their child will need all of them. With every passing day of her pregnancy, Liz knows this with more certainty. They must all play a role in the raising of this child. It is vital that he be ready. For what, she does not know. It does not frighten her. After everything, she can no longer be frightened by the future. What will be, will be.

But it does not mean that they cannot prepare themselves for what will be. And, so, she welcomes those she loves with open arms, and knows that they will do the same for her child.

"Feeling better?" Max asks. They pause under an oak tree, and he pulls her into his arms, dropping a kiss on the top of her head. He has to lean in to do it, because of the size of her belly.

"Much," she whispers, turning so that his arms are wrapped around her and she can lean against him. She closes her eyes, reaching for the connection they share with their child. She can sense that he is doing the same and knows it for a certainty when they both say at the same time, "Tomorrow."

When he is born, Isabel and Lonnie deliver him together. They are close now, the original and her duplicate. Michael and Rath tolerate each other. Ava and Tess, in spite of their identical features, do not have much in common. But Lonnie and Isabel are best friends. They bond over many things, including their loyalty to their brothers, but mostly through their love and devotion to Liz and Max's child.

Liz and Max call him Sam. There is some discussion that he should be named for Zan, but it is not serious, particularly after Rath says, "Zan would be pissed."

"You think?" Max asks. He does not sound surprised.

Rath stares at him for a long moment, then replies, "You should know. Wouldn't you be?"

"Yeah," Max says quietly.

"Why?" Ava interjects. "I mean, it's nice, isn't it?"

"Sam is his own person," Max tells her. "He should have his own name." Rath nods his head in agreement.

Later, they are lying in their bed, their baby asleep between them. Everyone is finally gone again - at least for a little while - and Liz asks Max to elaborate.

"Zan's entire life was wrapped up in being a duplicate," Max explains quietly. "He wouldn't want that for his son. The pressure of being the second anything. Even the second Zan."

And, so, Sam becomes his own person and they all watch him grow with awe and wonder.

"Why did it happen?" Sam finally asks.

They are again driving west. He has been quiet for a while. They have not asked him what he is feeling because they know that he will tell them when he is ready. Besides, when he is upset, their connection to him is strong. It has always been so, since the day of his birth. He is not upset. He is thoughtful.

Max hears Liz release a small breath. He lets her answer, because they have discussed what they will say when this time comes. "Because he loved you, Sweetie. He knew that we would love you, too. And he wanted you to be safe."

They both know still that it is not the only reason. They have both known it since the day they knew he was coming.

But it is the main reason. And, for now, because they know it together, it is the only reason that matters.

The End


End file.
